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2 Alberts, some Angry Gods and Britney bitch

April 8, 2017

Sat at a franchise wing place playing that TV bar trivia thing, and we had 15 questions straight on Greek mythology.

I think I got 12. Missed one about Pegasus.

I got Echo and Narcissus right. She faded away because she loved him too much and nothing was left of her but her voice. I know how she feels.

I know the 12 Herculean tasks. Completed a few.

Sometimes I forget who gets his liver eaten daily by vultures and who has the rolling rock.

I got that one right. Prometheus and Sisyphus respectfully.

One must imagine Sisyphus happy. Albert Camus

Oh Albert, all due respect, NO HE FUCKING ISN’T.

I should know. Neither am I.

I just looked up why Sisyphus was punished. He was a fucking asshole. Killed a lot of people, chained Hades so no one could die, stole a river nymph and tricked Persephone into a pardon. He was a fucking douche bag of a king and husband.

Even at my worst.

No not even at my worst.

My Gods are the old ones. I have said this before. The ones that displayed human emotions joy, pain, revenge.

What did I do? Why have you forsaken me?

Not even at my worst.

Yet Like Sisyphus I am bound to hell. (Sad Cat Diaries)

I was bawling all the way home.

I will bawl again before this is over. Wait for it…there it is.

In my habit of doing things over and over even when they make me cry, my new ear worm is Kaleo All the Pretty Girls. It’s on repeat. It’s not getting easier, especially the end…

I’ll wait, I’ll wait, I’ll wait for you. Over and over and over.

Not funny, none of this is funny.

But for now, a little dark humor.

What do Camus, Einstein and Britney Spears have in common.

Me at the moment.

Einstein said Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Part of the crying is me realizing I might be kinda insane. No matter what I try it turns out the same. And yet tenacious me keeps trying.

Camus is asking me to decide if I am content with picking different rocks that all have the same roll.

Half the time I barely get them started up the hill lately before they roll away on me.

Bullets/boulders dodged perhaps?

I am not happy.

So, how do I get out of this loop?

Persephone pardoned Sisyphus. But she herself was bound to hell through the winter. Sounds familiar too. Can we imagine her happy? I think so. Prolonged summer days made all the sweeter by months locked away. She is both the patron god of spring and all things pretty and the queen of hell. If the goddess slipper fits, don’t mind if I do.

Speaking of hell…

Went to buy a used car alone. Mercury/Hermes/Daddy has already entered shadow phase, but I love my job and wanna keep it so. Herculean task unavoidable and accomplished. Got turned down for credit, the name on my credit score is that of my first ex common law husband. Beattie. The fuck you say?

Hit me baby one more time.

He was a drunk. And not a fun one.

He did hit me, I left after the one more time.

So that’s Britney out the way.

Which begs the question what of my old ones? The men I dated in the time called before. They were not godlike at all. And to be completely honest I wouldn’t spare a drop of piss if I found any of them on fire. I don’t feel bad about, I am sure they feel the same.

I didn’t love them. I didn’t know how.

Maybe that’s my sin. Thinking I know anything about love.

I am getting better, or I thought I was. Do the insane have bouts of lucidity where they realize their nuts or is it just one long boat ride along the river of Denial…hmmm.

“The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart.” Again Albert I gotta disagree here.

My heart hurts and this is becoming its natural state of being.
How long can a bruised thing last before it rots?

Maybe I am Ariadne alone on an island waiting on Dionysus.

Sail on by, sail on by for now
They play naked in the water
You know it’s hard, heaven knows I’ve tried
But it just keeps getting harder.

Summer is so close I can almost taste it, the sun will hang in the sky like a golden apple and I’ll play naked in the water and pretend winter isn’t coming.

 

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