Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been…hang on lemme check…10 days since I have written a word. The good word, any word at all that wasn’t a list of shit to pick up at IKEA or Home Depot.
I am still not fully settled. But roommate is sleeping and thou shalt not use the drill nor the hammer till both of us have some coffee.
I’ve realized that I am my mother’s daughter.
Not the dirty nasty bits, those are mine and mine alone. But I cannot function in a house of chaos.
I like things where I like them goddammit.
And where I like them is not in boxes and bags willy-nilly/errrwhere, mmmm kay?
For someone who drifts and wanders as often as I do, one would think I would have this all down to some kind of science. And I do. I know how it goes, I just plug away and try not to stop moving, not to waste my movements, there is an order to things.
My OCD kicked in, and my PMDD, as things went sideways and my brain turned to mush.
That was fun, a bout of crippling turbo-charged PMS right at the end.
I went on Tinder too, the Friday before the Friday we moved.
As if I didn’t have enough on my plate.
I have no idea what is wrong with me.
In my defense I didn’t understand how it worked exactly. But like I do with all things, I went overboard. Talked to too many people, got confused and overwhelmed. Ended up blocking almost everyone. It was boy chaos on top of life chaos.
And no fucking manners anywhere to be found.
I see your dick pic and raise you a dick video. At least his bathroom looked clean.
I love sex, lord knows I do.
I don’t want a relationship per say, lord knows I don’t…but can we maybe grab a coffee before you demand I meet you at a hotel room? Did you think you were on Backpages?
The shit show culminated in one less than glorious date that I bailed in the middle of, but a little too far past the stranger-danger portion of the evening. What happens when the person who follows you to your car and gropes you in a parking lot is the person you agreed to meet? Who do you call for help?
The Giant, but his girlfriend was on her way over, so no sanctuary for me. He did make me smile though. Bless him.
I regressed these past few weeks. I’ve had this nagging feeling like I’m back in public school and I don’t understand the lessons and everyone is whispering behind their hands about me and I have no idea what I’m doing wrong. My solution seems to be to pile more wrong on top.
I am stopping now.
I don’t know where my big girl panties are exactly, but I found my big girl voice and a few others things I thought were lost.
I also found someone who speaks to me nicely. Calls me sweetcheeks and asks before he touches my bum.