The Lion’s Gate opened early this year. 19 days early to be exact. There’s that number again. Black 19.
Seems there was too much spiritual awakening to be contained. So be it. I am up now. Second coffee.
The breach occurred on the new moon in Leo a few days ago. It was all about giving up fantasies.
Apparently I neglected to do so.
I once wrote “the moment you think you are cursed, you are.”
I are.
The good news is, I think it’s my own doing, so I can undo it too.
Once upon a time I dated a guy for a year. We split in the middle for a bit. But 6 weeks later he moseyed back into my inbox and we picked back up like nothing had happened. We spoke practically every day. He claimed me as his, I thought he was mine. Made some promises about fishing and movies. We had good dinners and phenomenal sex. I met his sister and loved his dogs. I didn’t see him much, I was kinda in a relationship with a ghost in my phone, but I deemed him worth it and waited. It was still more attention than I was used to.
I wasn’t just blind, I was willfully blind (AHS)
Until I got a delayed message from the universe in the form of an actual message from his actual girlfriend.
And it seems that I although I was (one of) his. He was never mine. They were together before, during, after and still apparently.
I didn’t engage, I just blocked her.
We will just put this on a list of things I didn’t need to know.
The bubble of any future possibility is broken though, so that’s a small kindness.
I refuse go to war for something I cannot possibly win, and don’t want now.
This isn’t my fight, hasn’t been for some time.
I don’t think it ever was.
I keep thinking I am doomed to repeat the same patterns, but maybe not.
I spent 7 years married in another fantasyland, wherein I thought I belonged there.
I didn’t, and fighting didn’t make it so, it just made me miserable.
Now my girls think I should educate this woman. Tell her what I know.
Nah.
She knows enough.
And now, thanks to her, so do I.
Ex hubby’s mistress used to flood my inboxes with fuzzy, sneaky sleeping selfies, screenshots and the like. It’s tacky and rude. And it hurt me.
I don’t know this woman. I have no quarrel with her. Like I said, I knew something was rotten in Denmark and I stayed. That’s on me.
In fact, my entire life is on me.
My decisions, my behavior, my reactions. That’s kinda how I got here.
So, permit me this small trip to fantasyland once again, wherein I actually did speak to this woman.
Here is what I would have said.
Oh honey.
I don’t know you, but I have been you.
Paranoid enough to go through my man’s phone. Angry enough by what I found to message strange women.
It’s not a good place to be. Trying to get some control over your life by sending texts to some girl.
Sorry, but you picked the wrong one.
I don’t negotiate with tiny blonde terrorists who seem to know their man is cheating and continue to call him ‘my boyfriend’.
I can tell you that this behavior of yours is unbecoming, not sexy and pretty fucking rude.
I am not left wondering why he wandered, and again, I don’t know you from Eve.
I can tell you that if you actually love your dude, you have to love him as is, and according to your messages he seems to be a bit of a man whore.
You gotta love that too.
There is no changing people.
Trust me, I’ve tried.
I can only control my reactions and here they are…
Go back where you came from.
Stay out of my inbox with your problems.
Maybe get a little therapy, try to have a nice life and stay the fuck outta mine.
Lucky for me, I have built a solid life of my own.
I don’t need ownership nor attention from any man to be happy.
It isn’t in me to cause pain to anyone.
I have had enough drama for this life and the next.