“Well love is in the cards for you. Great time to meet new people or rekindle with someone a former flame perhaps.
Your cards came up all about love and relationships the Empress, the World and the Emperor were the cards all in regular order …I am not sure what you were looking for an answer too but if it involves love you are all set even just in relationship sense.”
I asked my girl to pull a card for me.
She was getting ready for sleep, said she would do it in the morning.
I was still awake when her message came through. 7am, my entire body aching, thrumming and vibrating from a different conversation that ended moments before.
One of those defining moments, when you are in the thick of it and there is a moment of clarity. A voice from inside telling you you will never be the same again.
In the space of 9 hours, using only words, my world changed.
I have said before in this blog that I do not believe that love is ownership.
But what if it could be?
Not ownership but belonging.
I know everything you have ever done, I love you and I want you with me.
Terrifying and spectacular.
He wants to know everything. He wants to crack open my bones and taste the marrow. I want to slice him open and touch everything inside him. Visceral beyond anything I have ever seen, heard or felt.
Always in that euphoria that is the beginning the man always says ‘I want to know everything’. They lie.
They want you to reiterate the story they have written of you already. Tell them their truth, not yours.
I start to tell a story, eyes light up at the mention of someone or something from the time called before and their eyes go dark, moody, brooding and jealous. I see the storm coming, so I edit, shut up and that piece of me is lost for the foreseeable future. I am locked in the storm cellar. Tucked back into the filing cabinet under “things I cannot say” subsection things I cannot BE.
I am the sum of those things.
I used to mistake that jealousy for love.
It is some genetically imprinted, misguided holdover from when there were wars for land. The men that came before all had the mindset of taking. Mine Mine Mine. Raping, pillaging and salting the earth of their imaginary enemies. Honey, if you salt the earth, nothing grows there.
I have had this weird and wonderful life. I have stories for days. Some of the things I have done defy logic and reason, but they are me. They are the pieces of who I am. And he wants to know them all.
I felt like I had been locked up in a prison of what was acceptable and he opened the door. The freedom of movement here is almost more than I can bear.
This one. Oh this one.
Him: I have empires trapped in my chest
Me: I am the empress
The most successful conqueror in recorded history was Ghenhis Khan.
He took the generals of the armies he had defeated and made them his own.
Keep your religion, keep your past. Give me your knowledge and experience.
If you want to be mine, just fight with me.
Us against the world.