I probably just made this up, but I adamantly believe in Cosmic Do-Overs.
I get granted them on a regular basis.
I am wondering if it’s just me or if we all do and it’s like seeing blue cars, I just notice them more…and my gratitude for them makes more appear.
Imagine if you will, an opportunity to put an old wrong to right falls in your lap. What do you do?
Fucking Fix It. Tilt your face up to the sky and say thank you for this gift from the gods.
This is a big deal.
Probably why this happens to me often.
I noticed it years ago.
I met my naughter. My step daughter. I saw so much of me in her, this exuberant bright amazing creature running into everything full tilt. She had a shitty fucking childhood, misunderstood and mistreated. I got to swoop in and make her life better, as much as I could in the time given. Just love her in all of her weird glory and said things like ‘you matter’ and ‘I love you no matter what’. Shit I always wanted to hear. She knows I mean it.
A few years go by, I start writing, being open about being me. Send in my pixie girl Ciara. Finds me on the vast ocean of the internet and says “I think I am you when you were younger.” After further phone calls and messages we both decided she is decidedly so. I get to live my 20’s over again. How fucking amazing is that?
And the mens. I know all y’all come here to read about the mens.
Wolfling comes and goes and every time he comes back I am better equipped to deal. Call him a brat. His brattyness is fucking formidable, but I used to be that way, pushing people away trying to feel worth something. I also tell him things like “you matter”.
There are others. Others I dated in the time called ‘before’ when I was a fucking asshole.
I get to say sorry and it feels so good to be forgiven.
Help them out in the now.
Now is blessed, the rest remembered.
I like forgiving too. Feels amazing. Everyone should try it. Like right now. Leave the past where it belongs and just be okay.
Say Young Un the first one more time Sarah.
Don’t mind if I do.
You knew it was coming, he is the flavor of the month. We keep talking, these good deep talks, he asks me advice and I him. He is a good friend and a lovely muse.
Two things happened.
I found a young Scorpio.
Let’s call him hot neighbour.
Ya, that hot neighbour.
“Ode to hot neighbour” was completely apropos.
He walked into my house with and literally said ‘this place is magic’.
This is the password. Other passwords include ‘sanctuary’ and ‘home’ and also, ‘oh my god I love this place’.
These words get you through the coats and into Narnia.
He told me I was magic too. He is not wrong.
He brought pie and wine.
The next morning I had a lightbulb go off whilst eating breakfast at my girls and what to my wondering Instagram should appear, Young Un the first.
My illumination was this.
When I met Young Un the first he was nursing some pretty serious wounds from the one that came before. All Scorpios do this. They meet one, fall in love and get really torn up over it. I am afraid that the subsequent women for the (foreseeable future) end up wearing a mask that looks like her face. Yes, it hurts, especially when you are the polar opposite of that girl and they can’t see it due to shell shock. Just like any soldier come back from battle, its Not their fault, it’s a glitch in their programming. Navigate accordingly, know there is landmines still scattered around from a war you had nothing to do with, and don’t you fucking dare plant more.
In the time called before I would get hurt by this. Made me feel decidedly not ‘enough’. Mind you I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t much of anything except whiny and clingy and angry. Yucks me out to think back on that girl. Just gonna go ahead and cross myself and gypsy spit a hex that she doesn’t rise from the dead.
I like fixing things. Its my job. Undo damage from others. Shield people from hurt. Because I know what it feels like and it sucks. I don’t want to interfere with someone’s ‘becoming’, I just like being a soft, safe space.
So I says to the guy…”all my Scorpios end up calling me or treating me like sanctuary, you were the first one to say it out loud. I am wondering, had you met me before her (known that all women weren’t like that) would it have made a difference?”
(I beamed, I cannot explain how ENOUGH it is to be thought of this way)
“All of my Scorpios have been carrying one big hurt. I know it sounds kinda strange, but I want to arm him against it/her. Does that make sense?”
He said “Yes, Please do”.
I needed to hear this.
I disappear into my own head on a regular basis and I can talk myself into just about anything.
Its my reality and I can move around in it as I please.
I see this as the opportunity to time travel and spread kindness.
Maybe one day everyone will see that it is so much easier to help forge armor in the beginning, rather than try to repair someone who is broken.
I now have two jobs.
Arm the innocent and tend to the wounded.
I couldn’t figure out why hot neighbor was here, then this happened.
My mission, should I chose to accept it, is to give him a concrete example of what a good woman is capable of being.
Empathetic, kind, and the maker of dinner after a long day.