Death to Angst

September 12, 2015


I killed my angst.

Always hated that bitch. She hated me too, she hates everything.

Okay, well, I didn’t kill her. Logic did. T’was I who sent Logic into the fray.

Fucking Angst, born of Panic and Worry. Sliding into the light, covered in afterbirth, so slimy I could never quite get a good enough grip to choke her out. She would slip away laughing, just to be born again of some new paranoia.

Angst popped her head out simpering, mewling whining, cajoling in that pathetic high pitched voice of hers…”he’s going to leeeeeeeeeeeave us”.

Logic stepped in, wearing the shining armour of truth and slayed the twit with two words.

“I know”.

Logic flashed that diamond bright smile, confident and infallible, and Angst just keeled over and died. It was a bit of a letdown. She was lèse–majesté after all. Committing treason against the sovereignty of me. And as an interloper, never really belonged here. I expected at least a gnashing of teeth, an attempt to bite and claw, to survive. But Angst was never really real to begin with, just a by-product of a misused imagination. I buried her deep, in a lead lined casket, just in case.

Everything is temporary dear hearts.

You will now be divided into two teams.
Team A, the ones who hear that statement and freak the fuck out, and clutch their baggage tightly to their chest, heaving and screaming NOOOOOOOO.
Then there are the rest of us, Team B, who breathe a sigh of relief and wrap that thought around us like a security blanket. All the good, all the bad, this too shall pass. It’s alright, we are molten and moving. Everything evolves and adapts, and we with it.

Here is what is going to happen, why it’s okay if he leaves, (and he did). Everyone does at some point or another. Forever is a myth spawned by sparkly vampires.

By murdering Angst, I have freed myself to enjoy the time I do have with him. All that is left here now is Gratitude, Surprise and Awe. Gratitude for when he is here, Surprise that he actually wants to be with me, and Awe that I get to touch and be touched by such a beautiful creature. It’s exhilarating, this constant state of not quite believing my luck.

The shock of it all with fade in time and metamorphosize into a sense of Belonging which brings Comfort. And it will be better than anything I can possibly imagine.


I wrote this a long time ago.

I may have posted it as part of another thing, if so…I can’t find it. I looked.

3 migrations of this website, sometimes things get lost.

Lockdown in my documents means nothing is ever really lost.

Everything morphs and changes, getting closer or farther by time and physical distance, but it’s never really gone.

Events are remembered, tinted by our own perception, I like my crayons rose-coloured.

Even if it was previously posted, I’m changing the ending.

The person I wrote this about left a year ago. Resurfaced, then I found this.

I needed to be reminded. Dwelling in the past, I would be angry. Worrying about the future gives birth to new angst. Neither of those things serve me in anyway.

I hope it wasn’t as simple as “I wonder what Sarah is doing, she was really nice to me.”
*Checks bridge for scorch marks, takes a few tentative steps…waves hello, I wave back.

Maybe I hope it was exactly that simple. My bridges are bomb proof, I built them that way.

It’s comforting to be thought of as comforting.

Hello Kitty is my power animal. I wave back then sit silently, listening to what anyone has to say.
Just don’t try to bring old baggage across with you. There is a weight restriction and a trap door.

I have no idea what will happen when he gets across.

All I know is that he called me Sanctuary once.

I still am.








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  • Deborah September 12, 2015 at 1:48 pm

    You are beautiful and exquisite and so refreshingly real. I get it- I understand. I showed your other post to my husband who said, “I don’t understand.” That would be anguish, not angst, but I’m sure you know this- I only wish that you didn’t. Peace and love to you- and once again, thank you for sharing.

    • sexloveandgrace September 12, 2015 at 2:25 pm

      there is nothing more comforting than to hear the words ‘me too’ when you spill your guts in any way.
      you said before that you were not fair kind or lovely.
      i absolutely disagree, taking your time to comment is lovely and kind.

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