Dick Pics, Tinder and Mercury Retrograde

August 27, 2017

What are three things I hate Alex?

Sarah for the win, or lose. So hard to tell right now.

I did one of those Facebook meme generator things where Morgan Freeman narrates your life in a 2 sentence imaginary back and forth.

It went something like…

Sarah thought she didn’t have to follow the rules
Sarah was wrong, she most certainly did have to follow the rules.

God grant me some artistic license, the dignity to admit when I’m wrong, and the wisdom to listen to imaginary Morgan Freeman.


I fucked up.

2 times.

And now I’m alone on a Friday night watching the last season of 30 Rock, which I have never seen before so that in itself isn’t bad.

I forgot the rules.

I inadvertently snubbed my nose at my patron planet, Father Mercury.

10 more days until the end of retrograde and smack dab in the middle I have

  1. Drove 7 hours into another country just to have my battery conk out outta nowhere
  2. Had my computer reboot and eat some things I was working on
  3. Had a massive fight with roomie
  4. Decided to move all of the furniture and buy new stuff
  5. Tried dating not one, but 2 new guys

See above where I’m home alone on a Friday night. To be fair one of them is a bouncer so his presence was not expected, but the conversation has gone from frequent to rare. He’s just not that into me and I know it, just like I know starting anything new during retrograde is a bad idea.

It’s been 2 weeks and the bruises have just began to fade from the black side of purple to a pinkish hue. He was a biter, he liked to hear me squeal. Left orchids on the insides of my thighs. Had a highschool-esque date where we sat in a park and fooled around exactly enough to get arrested if we’d been caught. But we weren’t. He has put forth little to no effort since then.

Strike one.

And what about the second?

On our rather lovely date the subject of dick pics came up and he did the thing I had been warned about.

I mentioned that have received over 100 of the things and I only ever asked for 3.

All he heard was that I asked for 3. Not that opening a message and seeing someone’s dick is akin to a flasher on the subway, and invasion, a visual assault that occurs in the wee hours of the morning ruining my coffee and cigarette and porch time and sometimes my day.

I get it, he wanted to know how he stacked up. The problem is I said “don’t”.

And there is was, the little Snapchat ghost icon in the corner of my phone

I looked. I got irritated. I said I didn’t like unwrapping my presents before Christmas.

Dicks are not photogenic, women are not visually stimulated ya da yada.
How many times do I have to say this?

One more time for the kids in the back apparently.

I cussed him out and he’s gone ghost too.

Quelle surprise.

I don’t know why I bother and now I can’t remember why I care.

I started writing this Friday. Mister Dick Pic and I had a date planned for tonight and no word since yesterday when I asked what he wanted to eat.

It takes 5 minutes to text.

Effort invested will be effort returned.

So that’s a hard no from me.




You Might Also Like

error: Content is protected !!