There is a light that never goes out ~ The Smiths
My mind wanders to some strange places when I am alone.
I also just realized, with one swooping manly-man-big-brother gesture from BBP that I have been alone a fuck of a lot longer than I have been single.
I have this grand desire to eliminate the words ‘you don’t understand’ from my vocabulary, or just from all conversations ever again. Unless it’s followed by ‘explain it to me, I’m listening’.
Alone doesn’t just mean physically sequestered from others. Being misunderstood in a room full of people (or even just with that one) is almost worse.
Welcome to my weird. This was my internal dialog yesterday…
And lo, the Angels of the Lord were napping, or playing euchre or watching old episodes of Dead Like Me or anything other than paying attention.
You know that panicked siren sound when a submarine is submerging in the movies kinda an AHHHHOOOOOHGAH noise? Or more likely the sound of a heart monitor when someone flat-lines.
And up on high there was a great AAHHHHOOOOOHGAH and a long shrill beep and the Angels sat up and took notice.
“Shit guys, what is that awful noise?”
There was much shrugging of shoulders and ruffling of wings.
“I think its coming from Her.” One of them said.
“Nay nay, her light doesn’t go out.” Argued another.
“No seriously, it think its Her”.
Another Angel of the Lord (not one of hers) walked by and said “Holy shit that is an awful racket. What did you do? Who did you break?”
Her four jumped to attention.
She WAS broken. She was curled up by the fireplace crying, rocking back and forth, repeating over and over “I don’t think I can do *this again.” (*this being love, herself or anyone else)
She was quite literally made out of love. With the gentle encouragement of said Angels, she had come forward as herself over and over. And over and over she had been shunned and neglected. Downright abandoned. Stripped every bit of happy and hope away from her, down to her last reserves she didn’t even know she had.
“Seriously guys, what us gonna do?” one of them said with more than a little panic in his voice. If you have ever heard an Angel panic, just no, not pretty, the shrillness shatters glass.
The other, other Angel of the Lord chimed in “Just show her the map and send in the boy. She’s smart she’ll figure it out”.
“But, but Mercury Retrograde and….ahhhh fuck it. He’s right. Let’s do the thing.”
I’m not saying God has a plan. I think God isn’t what we all think him to be, starting with the moniker ‘him’.
That being said, there are times when I have felt a firm hand push me this way or that, or sometimes swat my ass to get me moving.
Instead I believe that life can be, at times, a scavenger hunt of sorts. Go to there, solve the riddle and move onto the next thing with the knowledge you have gleaned from where you were before. Sometimes shit ends up making sense when you look back. I based a whole blog on this.
I believe in karma markers. I believe in points we are meant to hit and depending on the choices we make, the map evolves and changes with us. Or sometimes we keep repeating the same shit until we get it right.
The map looked a lot like this.
She had sworn off dating younger men after the Ninja Clown/Black Wedding debacle. They turn 32, want babies and they leave. It hurts.
Then there was Young ‘Un One Point Oh. Brilliant beginning with a bad middle and a shitty ending. He still somehow managed to re-whet her appetite.
Then there was Him. He who looked at her like she was made out of magic and made her float, it was because of Him that she knew she could never settle again. Brilliant beginning with a bad middle and a shitty end. He didn’t understand.
Then on the anniversary of Young ‘Un One Point Oh, Young ‘Un Two Point Oh appeared and lied about his age. Said he was 26, no 24, no really 22. Seriously…22?
This is possible? Apparently so.
Except he upped and r-u-n-n-o-f-t with no warning or reason given*. Right out of the gate. No beginning and no end, just poof.
(she didn’t hear it at the time but *there was a resounding “MOVE bitch get out the way” –Ludacris)
So she rocked back and forth banging her head against the wall trying to find the why.
Asking grown men why a 22 year old did the thing.
They didn’t know.
And the 2 mens she was trying to get answers from love her, so no help there.
Then there was the rather shitty fight with BBP (see above). Which prompted an impromptu visit to the Market to find out if he was still mad, which led to asking his 22 year old apprentice why another one did what he did. “You are terrifying Sarah”.
“So I’ve heard.”
“You should meet my friend, he is on his way”.
She met the friend. The next day she tasted him and realized she had been starving. She listened to him talk, he said things that made her think she had been writing memories she hadn’t made yet. This wicked, blissful sense of déjà vu. This is where she was supposed to be.
All of this just happened to coincide with her rather loud AAAAAHHHHHOOOOOOHGAH plea with the Universe to give her back her swagger, magic and juju. And a declaration that she did, indeed want her equal.
Ask and ye shall receive.
There is a school of thought that dictates we are always capable of getting what we want. Hold the vision trust the process.
The flaw is that we, as humans, get impatient before it can manifest.
Our desire is there, like a sprouted seed about to burst out of the ground, but when we begin to doubt, the seed stays dormant.
With some divine intervention, I pushed through.
There is a light.
And it looks and feels a lot like the sun.
So endeth the lesson and begins the living.