unable to even

Fight or Flight Club

November 2, 2016

“Are you mad at me?”

My hands were shaking so badly while I was texting even autocorrect had a hard time trying to figure out the fuck I was trying to say.
Bitch whatchoo tryna type here? Arm your mad hatter?
Backspace, try again.

<send>

My stomach rolled. Hard. And kept on rollin’.

“Slightly annoyed.” He replied. In less than a minute, bless his heart.

The ground underneath me dropped away. I felt that vertigo sense of falling, like in a bad dream. I didn’t wake up for 2 days. Just kept trippin and falling and trippin again.

Over what?

A misinterpreted (albeit bratty and ill-timed) text from me and a perfectly reasonable negative reaction from him.

“Slightly annoyed” should have had the same impact on my psyche as a big truck rumbling down my street, barely noticeable, tiny tremor, slight rattle of windows or wine glasses then gone as quickly as it came. And instead I turned it into the 1906 San Francisco earthquake 7.8…aftershocks for two days.

I try to pretend I don’t have triggers or issues or baggage, but I do.

It took me 6 months to get the cats to the vet to get fixed because of the ghosts of 3 dead pets and a maimed kitten named Calculon, she came back all sorts of fucked up. I had a bad run of about a decade where I would walk into a vet clinic with a beloved pet just to get their ashes back a week later and a huge bill.

The cats are fine.

I am scared to go into work because a large portion of the girls hate me, openly. Talk about me behind my back and on occasion get up in my face. I don’t do conflict well. 17 years stripping and I have had 3 fights with women. Walked away from 3 dozen.

I am afraid of women. We are vicious creatures. I should know, I too have been vicious, I don’t like myself when I see red, I feel like I am channelling some demon from the bowels of hell. I feel that disconnected out of body, ‘oh my god what did I just say?’ feeling. It haunts me.

I got bullied bad in school and it continues. Beta bitches love to go for my throat, always have. I am learning to care less but it’s hard. I have an ingrained response to feel sick and shitty and they smell fear. It’s a badly lit catch 22 and I have platform stilettos on, my center of gravity is already off.

I have been on this trip the last few weeks upon ye olde blog. Clearing out some psychic garbage, unpacking baggage to try and figure it all out.

I was mid panic over the fight that wasn’t a fight and I came upon this meme.

 

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Well fuck. There it is.

I have been conditioned that to be loved I must follow this rule…Behave the way I want you to or I will lock you out in the cold. Shut you out and ignore you until you begin to question your own existence.

It’s a slamming down of a phone, the rolling of eyes, the sharp exhale. The same way animals predict earthquakes before they happen.

Slightly annoyed + gaps between messages=hell opening up to swallow me whole.

I have MASSIVE abandonment issues. They are crippling. If I feel like someone is mad at me the world might as well end. Started in childhood with withdrawn affection for bad behavior and instead of running from similar situations, I swear I have been seeking it out my whole life. Familiarity breeds comfort but this isn’t okay. My ex hubby played this game like he was going for gold in the emotional manipulation Olympics. And I stayed.

The strong woman who lives in my chest screamed ‘dump the motherfucker already’ or alternately “fuck those bitches” depending, the wise woman in my mind sits in lotus pose and says ‘everything is temporary, it’s okay’. But I can’t hear over either of them over this little girl that takes over. She just wants to be loved.

I could read the words ‘slightly annoyed’ and the slightly annoyed tone that peppered the messages following.
Strong me said ‘explain to him not to do that.’
Wise me said ‘whatev’s’ …
but that little girl trumped them both with a keening wail that sounded like sobbing but really meant ‘please don’t leave’.

I can handle all the big stuff. I have been through a lot. I don’t get rape or car accident or break up triggers anymore.

It’s the little things. The limbo that exists between being wanted and cast aside, not knowing when I can come back in the house.

Basically much ado about nothing.

Everything is fine now. We are back to normal with some extra attentiveness on top. I got a double good morning text today.

This is nothing but some necessary catharsis.

I said a few posts ago that I have never had a good relationship before.
I’m not sure if I know how, but I want to try.

I have some scar tissue that needs dealt with, I see that with glaring clarity now that the dust has settled. I have some baggage to unpack and sort through.

I am not the things that have been done to me.

I’m just me.

images

 

 

 

 

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  • Matthew Eayre November 3, 2016 at 8:33 am

    “Will you ever really believe that I love you? That I don’t want anyone else? That I am yours?”
    She asked me, and I said, I hope so.
    Rejection doesn’t seem like a big deal to most people, they say that you can just accept it and move on, but when it gets buried in your hidden rooms there’s nothing worse.
    Love me, and don’t ever stop telling me, don’t hesitate when I ask, don’t forget that I am watching for micro-expressions, I’m watching to see if you are being the slightest bit unsure. Because everyone leaves. Bob said “everyone hurts you, ya just gotta find the ones who are worth the pain” and I’ve always been terrified that I’m not worth it.
    “Will you ever stop waiting for that ‘but’? It’s not coming, I love you always and forever”
    She tells me, and tells me, and…
    I’m trying.

    • sexloveandgrace November 3, 2016 at 11:20 am

      luckily i landed in a safe place to explore this mess.
      he didn’t withdraw affection, just had a reasonable reaction and stayed with me through my unreasonable.
      i feel like i left therapy a little too soon, sadly i couldn’t afford it anymore.
      before i left she asked me if i really needed her, pointed out that i was really good at trouble shooting and logic.
      this is true for the last 20 years or so, but i have put myself in so many fucked up situations because of the 20 years that came before that.
      there is where i need professional help digging in the dirt.

  • Matthew Eayre November 3, 2016 at 1:47 pm

    I feel like I might need professional help, but I think the ocean will help too.

    • sexloveandgrace November 3, 2016 at 2:32 pm

      a lot of this has to do with forgiving yourself for the things that happened to you and realizing getting treated like shit was not your fault. normal healthy human beings don’t go around breaking people.
      i am only responsible for how i deal with my own issues and i chose to not perpetuate the damage that has been done to me.

  • Matthew Eayre November 3, 2016 at 3:04 pm

    My logical mind agrees completely with that. My heart endorses it.
    There is a piece of me fighting, screaming at me that I deserve to hurt. That it was all my fault, and I deserve more. That is the piece I am trying to love, trying to wrap that lonely little bastard up in love and acceptance, hoping that the fight can cease.
    I need to stop being what I have been, to become what I am meant to be.

    • sexloveandgrace November 3, 2016 at 3:49 pm

      how about, you and i decide right now to absolve each other. i forgive you, you forgive me. we forgive those who trespassed against us and we get on the the business of living life as good, whole, loving adults.

  • Matthew Eayre November 3, 2016 at 4:26 pm

    Sister dear,
    I forgive you for all that you have done, and all that has been done to you.
    I absolve you, in the name of love and all that has ever truly been holy.
    You are clean and new, born again into a life of serving your heart.
    Hold yourself up to the heart of the universe, see how She adores you.

    • sexloveandgrace November 3, 2016 at 5:18 pm

      Dear Brother
      With everything that is divine and universal in me, I now act as the voice of all the stardust in my veins and yours.
      You are forgiven, for every dark thought and deed, for every evil that has passed through your life and left you doubting that you are anything less than magnificent.
      You are loving, loved and love walking around in human form.
      Now go forth from this moment and live loud and proud.
      There are no curses, just this moment we have right now. Enjoy all of them to come, they belong to you.
      Amen and shit :p

  • Matthew Eayre November 3, 2016 at 6:02 pm

    So let it be writ, and done, forever and ever,
    Amen.
    💜
    (& shit)

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