When something monumental happens there is always the clear cut moment of Before and After the thing.
#metoo started like an earthquake in the ocean and hit like a tsunami.
The landscape has changed.
And the waves keep coming.
I am here to help you navigate.
I am simultaneously working on two articles that on the surface do not seem related. But they are.
This one, and another inspired by the pontification of “I wonder whose arms I was fall into if I was drunk in a room full of everyone I have ever loved”.
I would run to the ones who make me feel safe.
When I am drunk I want to feel safe.
Fuck, ALL the time I want to feel safe.
So I gravitate to men who make me feel that way, I stay in places where I feel safe.
I understand completely that very few men, good, bad or in the middle have any idea what that feels like. To be on constant alert of your surroundings, ‘if I can just get to the store, or to the street light, if I tip the cabby maybe he’ll stay while I get in my door.’ Getting cornered in laundromats in your sweats wondering what you did to deserve this and how the fuck you’re gonna get out of it.
It might feel kinda like you do now with all of these women suddenly finding their power and voices.
But please, for arguments sake, just believe me.
Actually, that is exactly what I want to say. I could stop the article right here.
Just. Believe. Me.
Now, to be clear I am not speaking to the Low men. There is no point and no hope. Misogyny is bred in their bones and marrow, women will always be disposable chattel. Engaging with them is like trying to smell the number 9. Ain’t gonna happen.
I cannot sit down with my rapist and have any kind of dialog. He believes I did him wrong and has promised to kill me on sight. I believe him.
In fact, please recognize that in speaking to almost any woman on the planet, somewhere in the rolodex of her brain there is at LEAST one man she refers to as her rapist or her abuser. Be honored she is even speaking to you at all because for all intents and purposes, you could be the next one who violates her.
They are the BIG BAD and I am not a douchebag whisperer.
This is also not for the High men. The chivalrous ones, the allies or the good guys. They already get it and we are grateful. They are the islands of hope in this sea of shit.
This is for the ones in the middle.
The ones who have been squirming and holding up protest signs that say “not all men” or “I’m a good guy.” Tell you right now, if you have to argue in the midst of this, you are NOT a good guy. You’re a middleman at best. The ones who have done nothing wrong are sitting in quiet confidence saying nothing and letting the women have a turn.
Could stop the article here too and just say “Shut up buttercup, the women are talking now.”
But I won’t.
Among these middlemen are 50 shades of grey. The grabbers, the gropers, the stalkers, the ones who tell me to smile, like I owe them a smile, the ones who send dick pics before they even say hi. The ones who stand a little too close when my body language is screaming ‘stay the fuck out of my bubble’. The ones who pressured me into doing something because, “you got me hard”, the ones who fucked me when I was too drunk to say no and all I wanted to do was sleep, but I didn’t say no and I was flirting at one point in the night so it must be okay right? WRONG
Methinks these misters doth protest too much. I don’t know what you did but you did something, own it and ferfucksakes don’t do it again.
When you are protesting, whining and cajoling you become deaf to what we are saying. So stop. Listen. Hear our stories, weigh your past behavior against the things that scare and hurt us and for fuck sakes don’t do it again.
I sat down with my son when he was becoming sexually active and said very plainly, only yes means yes. And if she says stop in the middle, STAAAAAHP. Cover her up, put your pants on and ask her what she needs you to do, then do the thing.
Considering the majority of women have been raped, abused, assaulted and harassed, you never know what is going to trigger us (for me it’s a locked door) so stop if we say stop.
Just fucking listen.
I am sure some men are wondering “well how the fuck am I gonna ask a woman out now”.
Ask her out. Say ‘hey, I find you interesting would you like to go out for coffee or dinner sometime?’
Rocket science this is not.
But if she says “No”. just say “Okay” and go about your day. No need to react. She isn’t a bitch or a cunt or a lesbian because she doesn’t want to go out with you.
In fact, if you hear another man speaking to a woman that way, STOP him.
The last guy called me a cunt, got a split lip. And I fucked the one who defended me, see how that works?
It’s not a guarantee that you will be rewarded for your heroics in such a way. Nothing in life is a guarantee, but it ups your chances exponetially.
I will tell you a secret, I love dating, I love having sex with men. NOT ALL MEN THOUGH.
Please recognize that just like you have your own life, body, wishes and wants SO DO I.
Being the owner of a vagina does not make me incapable of making my own choices. And I choose the ones I feel safe with. End of discussion.
The rules are simple.
1- Ask first before you do anything USE YOUR WORDS
2- Listen to the answer given
3- Respect the answer given
4- If you see a girl in trouble, ask her if she needs help, listen to the answer and then help her if she says yes.
5- We don’t want to see your dick until we ask to see it.
No woman owes any man anything. Not a reaction, a smile or a date or a blowjob. So stop acting like it.