…26 If Satan drives out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then can his kingdom stand? 27 And if I drive out demons by Beelzebub, by whom do your sons drive them out? So then, they will be your judges. 28 But if I drive out demons by the Spirit of God, then the kingdom of God has come upon you. Matthew 12:26-28
Stop dividing yourself between what you did and who you are.
Did a bad thing? Okay.
Still doing it? No. Good job darlin’.
He said: I was afraid to see you after 22 years. I know the things that I have done in that time apart and I somehow assumed you did too, but you don’t, do you?
I replied: Nope, I don’t, but it doesn’t matter, I’d love you anyways. You are what I remember. We’ve all done some sketchy stupid shit, myself included. There is no judgement here.
Funny enough he brought me handmade scrabble tiles that spell out L.O.V.E.
We only let love in this house.
We’ve both changed exponentially, but the things that made us friends stayed the same.
“Never apologize for how you had to survive.”
But everyone does. Just makes you human and humble. That’s okay.
We’re all trying to navigate the 4 lane highway between do no harm and take no shit.
But then emotions get in the way and we covet things/people we ought not to. Life happens and we get hungry.
Or we run into the selfish soul suckers and we find ourselves fighting them on their turf and terms and then the shame sets in.
What did I just do?
Doesn’t matter, the question is ‘what do you do now.’
Just get back on the highway, or climb in and let me drive for a while.
I’ll pick you up gladly, but leave the past in the rear view. Don’t tow it behind.
I have music, cigarettes and enough gas to get us far away from here.
People love to tell me the things they have done, their deep dark dirtiest of secrets.
And I listen.
I don’t ask why.
Why is a useless question.
You did what you had to do/wanted to do and no amount of worry/guilt or shame is going to change that.
If someone starts drowning in the past I throw a life preserver labeled…“But did you die?”
Yes? Cool, I am communing with the dead, how can I help you?
No? Let it fucking go.
I scrolled back through my Instagram and I was struck by how much things have changed.
I know I’ll do it again in a year and think the same thing. I chuckled at myself. I remember being sad because I didn’t get what I wanted.
Then I pulled myself out of the muck and mire of ‘what was supposed to be’ and setting my feet down on the firm ground of ‘what is’.
I was stuck in detours and rest stops that were actually really dirty and dangerous in retrospect.
Get back in the car.
As I look for stories to tell here I find myself falling back on Facebook/Instagram memories.
There is no drama presently, nothing to dazzle y’all with.
Just a girl who likes a boy, her job, her house, her friends, her life, in this moment, right now, as is.
The past is just a story we tell ourselves. Chuck Palahniuk
And those Gods and demons we thank and blame?
Just imaginary friends of our own making.
I do envy those who blindly believe in god. How easy it must be to give your every action over to an omnipotent puppet master in the sky.
Personally? I gotta call bullshit.
You did the thing and god doesn’t approve or disapprove, own it and move on.
If it made you feel bad, don’t do it again.
I am my own moral compass. If my gut flutters with butterflies, I go that way.
If my stomach twists and turns and hurts. I run. Or I hang out for a good long while, cry a lot and then I leave.
My friends that don’t believe in god still carry these heavy burdens of guilt about where they came from, the things they’ve done.
Baby did a bad, bad thing. (Chris Isaac)
Again, I have to ask…but did you die?
It just means you are better than those who hurt you. Start acting like it.
You survived. Enjoy.
If you tell me anything and the beginning of the story is ‘once upon a time’ I will remind you that there is no such thing, all we have is this moment now and you’re spending it in the past?
Stop doing that.
Tell me where you are going, not where you’ve been.
They label this darkness as ‘demons’.
That makes less sense than god.
At least we give god credit for the big, beautiful, miraculous things we enjoy.
What do those demons do for you?
Not a damn thing.
Mama says “If they can’t play nice then they’re not your friends.”
If the cd keeps skipping, toss it out the window and make a new one.
You are writing the story of your own life with the memories and feelings you choose you hold onto.
Edit yourself a better life.
Sugar coat that shit all you want, remember the good things. Put the rest in a filing cabinet marked ‘what not to do’, yell ‘plot twist’ and get on with your life.
No one will know in a year.
Gods and demons are just fictional characters, time to invent some better ones, and make sure they love you even when you are acting the fool. If they don’t, they aren’t your friends.
Smile at your own ridiculousness, because in the end, it won’t matter.
How about this… I am your flesh and blood friend, I exist and I absolutely forgive your absolute worst.
I’m your goddess of mercy.
I don’t care how you got here, I am just glad you made it.