Recently I walked into a well-known lingerie store with the intent to buy matching sets of bras and underwear, gift wrapping for a new man.
I found a lovely pair of panties with a matching garter. I inquired to the sales girl as to whether there existed a bra to match so I could have a trifecta of matchy matchyness.
She lit right up and said “yes,” (deep inhale) “and it’s a level 4 push up”.
(Awkward pause while I try to process that statement)
Me: what the ever loving fuck is a level 4 push up?
Her: exactly what it sounds like, and with your boobs you will look like you have double d’s! (Unsung, but implied SQUEEEEE)
Me: but he already knows I don’t have double D’s (slowly backs away from the confused sales girl and puts the panties and garter back)
I then had to spend a half an hour molesting all the bras to find a level one (they don’t make anything with zero padding are you kidding me right now) and the panties. Because I am the weird one, and also because I said ‘ever loving fuck’ to a stranger who was trying to share some traveling pants secret girl shit bonding moment with me.
We are not peacocks. What is with all the pomp and display, and blatant lying?
He is going to see your boobs right? Kind of the point.
He is going to find out watching motorcycle racing is not even remotely your thing.
Or that you can’t cook.
Or that you were just humouring him with entertaining the thought of a threesome.
Or that you really do love anchovies on your pizza.
I have fake eyelashes, nails and boobs. I also dye my hair and I was not born with these tattoos.
I just say it, out loud, on or around the first date, and it’s okay.
And if it’s NOT okay by them, then it’s broken, I don’t want that one.
Try to follow my logic.
How long can you wear a mask?
More importantly, why did you put it on in the first place?
You are setting this whole thing up to fail.
Don’t you want to find someone who likes the real you?
Victoria’s secret? THAT YOUR BOOBS ARE NOT NEARLY THAT BIG.
You have been brainwashed by article after article and plot line after plot line and airbrushed model after airbrushed model to think that only ‘shiny you’ will land a man. Yes, chances are, if he is a tit man, and you have strapped your girls into a gravity defying holster with more padding than you have actual boob flesh, he is probably gonna buy you a drink.
In his head, before he falls asleep he will be composing a complaint letter to La Senza or Lulu Lemon or Spanx for the deceit he encountered once he got you home, and he probably won’t call you again and you can drown your sorrows in a cosmo and a Cosmo where you will be intrigued by such articles as…
How to make your man love you.
You don’t. Why would you want to make anybody do anything, he’s not a lawnmower or a curling iron. He will love you if you two have physical and emotional chemistry and common goals and values, and you blow him on occasion and make him a sammich.
How to drive your man crazy.
Keep reading these articles that are thinly veiled advertisements selling Botox, lingerie and mascara. They are making you act like a crazy person trying to guess what he is doing or thinking because apparently you can’t use your words or your brain. And that will drive him mental.
Ooooooh, you want to drive him crazy with desire? Tell him you want to fuck him, say please. Then actually fuck him, and after, make him a sammich.
If you don’t want to fuck him, then what the hell are you doing? wearing the wrong pants, go find new pants that fit and make you feel good.
You want to be loved? Love and be lovable
You want to meet your soul mate?
Spend some time alone exploring who you are and figuring out what you enjoy doing. Then do things you like to do and be yourself. He will be there liking the same things and being himself too.
Now the aforementioned statement does not imply that you need to find someone that loves all the things you love and that you need to love all of his things. Nay nay. So boring. Who does this? We are on this planet to learn and experience, be with someone who shows you new things and who appreciates you showing them things. It’s not always going to be amazing, but it will be sometimes. *You really should have your own life, both of you, I mean it.
I am not saying that you should give up and wear sweats because that is “who you are and he should love me and accept me”. No, that is lazy…and comfortable, but still lazy. figure out what you like and what you feel good in and he will always think you are beautiful, if not mildly nuts because your closet looks like the inside of a gypsy caravan. But he knows what is under there so that is okay too.
The place for that level 4 push up bra? Oh it exists, once a year. At his company Christmas party that he takes you to because he trusts you not to be a crazy person and cause a scene like his last girlfriend because you aren’t her.
What will happen is all the boys at the office are going to see the two of you and the optical illusion that is your padded double d’s and think…”holy shit, ted is a lucky fucker”? And ted will hear about it and smile because all men like having something somebody else wants. And if he gets jealous or weird or mad about it, throw that one back. It’s broken and you don’t want it, not enough crazy glue in the world to fix that.