“I love you Sarah
I don’t need you with me, I just need to know you exist.”
He gets it. JM Storm gets it too.
My heart is a sharpened dart of longing, coming towards you always. (author unknown)
I used to love that quote, when my love was focused and pointy.
Not now, no sharp things, no cutting, no piercing, no edges.
My love looks like the clouds from the window of an airplane when the sun is rising or setting, all rose glowing and soft, yielding yet tangible. My love feels like a cool hand on a fevered forehead. Or that moment at 4am when you are curled up with someone you care about and you both move, in unison, wake up just a little and smile because you stole a moment back from sleep and got to enjoy it. My love is weightless, lightness.
It just IS.
When I say unconditional love, you say?
All sorts of fucked up shit that goes totally against the idea of unconditional love.
I have a secret to tell you. Unconditional love means Zero conditions. It doesn’t even need to be returned.
How is that for a mind fuck?
At no point has science or religion found the end to love. It is infinite. You can love all you want and you won’t run out, yet people hoard it like trolls with gold.
I post things about love, its kinda what I do.
I am enamored with words.
WORDS are the sharpened darts, piercing veils of untruth and anger and making magic.
Add the word unconditional all of a sudden there is a huge debate about it. The wording, the concept. “But he didn’t do that and she does this” and blah blah fucking blah.
Knock it off. Seriously.
Let’s try this.
Once upon a porch in Narnia, I looked at Young Un the first and said “I love you as much as I am going to and there is nothing you can do to change that.”
I could have said any number of names, I love my people. He keeps coming up, because he keeps coming up. He said hello and I said hi back. We are friends because I care about him and I feel that he cares about me, I just DO. I always felt protective of him and I know now that when he meets the right girl, and he will, that I will hand that over to her happily. But until then…I protect.
When I said that to him it was one of those times I was tapped into the ether and the words just came out. I had no idea what I meant.
I do now. A year to the day almost.
The more you love, the more you love. It feels good.
I am only responsible for how I love. Not how I get loved in return. If I place wants, needs or stipulations on my love for someone, then that ain’t love baby. That is lust or covetousness or use of another being for personal gain probably all 3.
We have turned love into a religion and church. And like all the other religions and churches good god damn it is a beautiful idea and in its purest form it is …well everything Sanctuary, Home, Goodness. But as humans tend to do, we got our humanness all over it, flavoured it with our own perceptions and made a right fucking mess. God is good, dogma is bad.
Me loving Young Un does not mean I love anyone else any less. Again, love has no measurement or end. I don’t want or need anything from him except to know he exists and that he is as happy as possible. If I can contribute to his happiness I will, and if my absence is what he needs to be happy I will wander off. It has nothing to do with me and is not dependent on his actions. He left me ages ago, I was sad. I lived and here we are. It’s not complicated.
Love cannot be tainted or it isn’t love anymore its something else. Same with kindness and all of the good parts of ourselves.
It costs nothing to love someone exactly as they are no matter what they do.
BUT WHAT IF THEY HURT ME?
LOVE THEM ANYWAYS.
People do shitty shit ALL the time. I fuck up, you fuck up everybody fucks up.
Do you feel compelled to stop loving someone when they die? No. In death they cannot contribute much to your existence right? Right, so love the living that way just because it feels good.
I had a woman comment on one of my posts that the only time that was possible was between a mother and child.
Okay, good jumping off point. We’re getting there.
Imagine if you will, that kind of love given to you by someone else. Their choice, THEIR OWN FREE WILL. THIS, this is bliss.
Doesn’t matter what you do, shit your pants, spill the milk, have a tantrum, throw up on the cat…doesn’t matter. All of those things that are the unpleasant side of parenting.
So, take away the genetic compulsion we have to love our kids and feel that kind of love from a random human that you meet, loving YOU that way. YOU, messed up fallible, mistake making YOU. Can you imagine how amazing that would be? How much like home that would feel?
Now, do that for someone else. Do that for everyone in your life that you care about. Love them that big, that unending and unconditionally. See what happens…
I have spent my entire life always afraid that people would take their love away from me if I did something ‘wrong’. The kind of person I am shields others from things I know to cause pain. That idea=pain. I couldn’t be myself out of fear. I will not perpetuate that, ever. I’ll just love you okay?
I LOVE, CREATE, NURTURE AND PROTECT. I’m only responsible for what I do and how I am. THIS FEELS GOOD.
It takes practice. Sometimes I meet someone and the want to scream MINE is overwhelming. This too shall pass.
One day I know I’ll meet someone who loves me. Someone to share all of the rest of this life with. We’ll wake up at 4am and cuddle a little harder grinning because we know this is the secret of the universe, these tiny moments of bliss with another. He will see how I love and love me for it, unconditionally.
So beginnith the lesson…
Just try it, you’ll like it.