Saint Anthony

January 23, 2015
Felicien Rops
I wasn’t baptised.
However, I attended every church I could get invited to as a child, looking for God.
I remain uncommitted. I am now content washing my own soul.
The only religious anything we had in the house was (you can laugh, I was 4) a vinyl record from Kentucky Fried Chicken of Christmas carols. I loved the way they sang hallelujah. I love the word, saying it, spelling it, thinking it and especially feeling it.
I had a grand mal epiphany last night. A glory, glory Hallelujah that made me shake.
There was a tiny aside in a prior post wherein I said ‘everything makes sense now’.
Apparently that was not so much of a statement, as a call to the Universe for everything to really make sense now.
My God sounds like Patrick Stewart ‘make it so’. 
So, I am involved in an unpleasant legal matter. By the grace of God, their lawyers thought to throw ex-hubby at me as a scare tactic. You are privy to the knowledge that he and I are friends, the rest of the world…not so much.
I propose a change in moniker. Ex-Hubby shall now be known as Saint Anthony. It’s my blog, I do what I want.
I try not to bother him too much, he has his own life and I have mine, but this court shit has led to bi-weekly contact. He is speaking on my behalf. Bless him.
I have spent almost the entirety of my life feeling like a strange changeling, never fitting in, feeling everything too much, uncertain, confused, outcast, terrified of fucking up and basically unlovable. I never found Jesus, so he didn’t love me either.
So I met St. Anthony, and he has his shit together. His life philosophies are wise, there is nothing he doesn’t know how to do and he is afraid of nothing and no one. You know in the movies when a guy can knock another guy out with one punch? Ya, I saw him do that.
So this guy picks me.
What the ever loving fuck. That can’t be right.
Why me?
He told me and showed me over and over.
What did I do?
Oh I am telling ALL y’all, I sabotaged it. At every opportunity in every way I could think of, outright and subconsciously.
I was like a 4 year old pushing every rule and every button, with exactly that much grace.
I threw the best temper tantrums.
He started to pull away and protect himself from the onslaught. Who wouldn’t? Saints are human.
I was JUSTIFIED, VINDICATED I was right all along.
Except I wasn’t.
I am now some semblance of the woman he saw me to be. Hurts my heart to think of how I pushed him and hurt him to get MORE. I wasn’t enough and I ended up making him feel that way too. 
No words could prove my worth, just time.
I am finally realizing my potential.
I have been given an opportunity to be what I needed. Infinitely patient. So I am.
Love someone exactly how you found them because of exactly who they are.
And if somebody loves you, let them.

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