“I am sucky as fuck right now. You gonna put up with me?”
He then did this maddening thing with his mouth where he smirked and bit his bottom lip a lil bit which left me no choice but to smile back and lean in closer.
“I promise when I get back I will be brave and strong again.”
“Good” he said and nuzzled my neck. “I like you strong and brave.”
Me too. I thought it…but didn’t say it. I just melted into the hug, it was a good melt.
He left after holding me, swaying a little in my kitchen. I made another coffee and sat down to write.
His words (and mine) echoing in my head.
I really do like me strong and brave.
Shortly thereafter it occurred to me…
Why not now?
Why not just be strong and brave right now?
I know I am going there anyways, I can just decide to be that.
So I did.
He messaged later to tell me he was going to be crazy busy for the next couple days and told me not to worry. Which is the text equivalent of a neck nuzzle by the way.
I replied “It’s okay. I am calm now.”
“Good, there is nothing to worry about.”
Abracadabra holy shit those are some magical words.
Poof, my attitude changed right before my eyes.
I leave in 4 days, not sure when I am coming home. The house is messy, I have laundry to do. I am mostly packed, but not all the way.
You know what’s gonna happen if I forget a t shirt or the laundry doesn’t get done or the floors don’t get mopped before I go?
The world isn’t going to end over dirty sheets and salt stains.
You know what’s gonna happen if this next relationship in a long line of relationships that didn’t work out doesn’t work out?
I will go back on Tinder or run into someone at the grocery store and the cycle will begin anew. I kinda like the anew, its starts with butterflies and ends with cocoons of bed sheets.
I don’t know if I am Zen or punch drunk or what. But I’ll take it.
There will come a day again when I am sucky as fuck. I am a girl, or just human really and life is a series of highs and lows with some coasting in between.
There is no magical point in the future where everything is suddenly okay. Thinking there is just kills the joy of now.
I was listening to Lover’s Eyes by Mumford and Sons
Love was kind, for a time, now just aches and it makes me blind.
Ya, my heart got a little tender, bruised really. My eyes welled up, couldn’t see quite right.
I blinked and healed.
Marcus then repeats over and over I walk slow, I walk slow, take my hand, help me on my way.
I don’t want to walk slow just now, I know what is waiting on the other side.
Happiness for the sake of happiness.
I’m running towards it.