Tantric Tantrums

March 13, 2016





For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Also something about butterfly wings and tsunamis, not sure if it fits. Sometimes when I write I know where I am going, sometimes I write to figure out where I need to be. It’s a process.

Sitting on the porch this morning. Shivering a bit in the morning chill, the sun doesn’t hit my balcony until 2. Smoking, drinking coffee, letting my mind wander. A wee bit of breeze raised gooseflesh and for a second I waxed nostalgic about the 2 weeks I had allowed myself to smoke inside, in my room to be precise.

Wait, gross, no.

I don’t want to go back to that or there.

It started on the polar vortex and lasted through until March.

The apex of the mess/smoky room of sadness occurred when my Sunrise had a lapse in judgement and went running back to her ex, came out 3 days later and landed in my bed, bawling. Kidlet was a mess and I was still talking to the Giant post-split. The trifecta of sads.

Binge watching Netflix, chain smoking, ran through 2 rolls of toilet paper soaking up tears and blowing noses. Cuddle puddle of emotion, complete with puppies and kittehs.


I was having this discussion
In a taxi heading downtown
Rearranging my position
On this friend of mine who had
A little bit of a breakdown
I said breakdowns come
And breakdowns go
So what are you going to do about it
That’s what I’d like to know.
Paul Simon

Ya, what are we going to do about it?

More million dollar questions. I’d like to be rich now please.

Her ex is abusive. He called her at work the other night, she put him on speaker and I was drunk enough to hang up on him as he was getting nasty with her. I said to her, do NOT reward that behavior by going to see him. He called back and said he didn’t want her anyways to cover his hurt little feeling, bullshit male posturing, I roared into the phone “Lucky fucking me because I WANT HER SO FUCK YOU.” click.

It probably isn’t that simple, god let it be that simple.

I know what she should do. She would benefit GREATLY from having a man who loves her without chaos. She already is chaos, the good kind. I looked her in the teary eyes as she sat on my couch and told her that one day a man would see in her the things I do. She is beautiful, kind, loving, nurturing, and sexy as fuck. I need that for her.

Kidlet is at least trying to date. His ex keeps coming back like herpes, making demands and changing the rules, she doesn’t know about geese and ganders. One set of rules for her and another for him. He is starting to see and I see him making effort to disengage. God let it be that simple.

I too should find someone to get under so I can get over my own shit too. It is really that simple.

I am a little more complicated, of course I am because it’s my forest I am crying at the trees.

“You’re in it right now aren’t you? My mom used to say that to me when she saw I was thinking hard on something, you are IN it right now.”
Sam, Garden State

I’m fucking in it. On my way out though.

To the girl at work who said “Brace yourself, here comes Billie to talk about her vagina again.” I say both, fuck you and it’s better than what I have been talking/crying about. At least I am laughing again.

The other things filling my time? I bought another new vibrator and I’ve managed to achieve tantric orgasms, they last for about an hour after the first mind numbing body tingling 2-3 minutes of ‘oh my god I have left this planet and am orbiting Jupiter right now.’

It’s nice. “Gonna leave this world for a while” and “A moment of forgetting, a moment of bliss.”
Tom Petty and Peter Gabriel respectively.

But then there is this…

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again
‘Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind.
Mumford and Sons, The Cave

I’m coming outta my cave and I’ve been doing just fine…
The Killers

I’m not fine, but I will be.

It would be really easy to go running back to my old lovers.
Drogo came out of nowhere for a check-in, a full month ahead of schedule, he really does know when I need him, bless him. But I didn’t claim sanctuary.
Hot neighbor has been around, the weather is better, but aside from some hugs, I haven’t cashed in my fuck ticket.
Car is back on the road, I could easily drive to Toronto to see my others, or down the road to Wolfling. But it feels wrong.

“Don’t look back, you’re not going that way.”

I left them all when the Giant showed up. I didn’t want them anymore. Tells me something was inherently missing, also the fact that I had so many makes me think something was missing in them, before he showed up and showed me.
I do just want one, the ever elusive fifthelementfrankenmonsterlover I keep dreaming about. The one who loves me regardless.

Gelfling said “come find me”. I just might. We have unfinished business.

At some point, soon, I am going to realize that however tantric and magical these orgasms are, they aren’t enough either. I’m going to need touch and talking to from someone other than myself. I didn’t leave a trail of breadcrumbs this time, just follow the smell of coconut oil and sex and listen for the humming and thrumming.

Hide and seek.





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  • Anonymous March 15, 2016 at 3:54 am

    You have no idea

    • sexloveandgrace March 15, 2016 at 10:11 am

      what don’t i know?

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