Jay, this is for you.
And Aimee and errrbody really.
It is the first day of the year.
I put my kid on a plane at 3 am. He was stomachsick, homesick and heartsick.
So be it.
In a time called ‘before’ I would have tried to keep him with me.
Thank fuck it isn’t before, it’s now.
I like now. Now is a good place to be.
The Land of Zero Fucks.
This is where my kid’s plane gets cancelled and we just roll with it. Finding joy in good wings, good company and two little girls dancing to random piano covers in a spectacular hotel on New Year’s Eve.
You see my friends, I’ve learned to just let it be. Whatever the fuck IT happens to be. Except if it is a creepy clown. Gack, no. yuck. I will be rocking in the corner.
(She thrusts her fists against the posts and still insists she sees the ghosts)
I know what the mens I work with think of me. I am a mildly crazy turbo slut.
I kinda am.
I also conduct myself (mostly) with class, grace, poise and I believe in the greater good.
The call me Mama Billy, with sarcasm and a lil bit ‘o’ reverence. Okay, a lot of reverence.
I know what I am.
The more I get to know me and like me, the better people come around.
Seriously. Like amazing magical people.
I am amassing a small army.
This is new to me.
I have fucked up beyond belief. Lied to keep people around, put myself through hell trying to appease others and it got me nothing but being in the wrong places at the wrong time. Broke and broken.
I hereby give everyone permission to be their most authentic self.
Scream if you have to, cry if you want to laugh as much as possible and give zero fucks.
Do no harm and take no shit.
You can bend and bend and bend some more trying to make other people happy and all that is going to happen is you will weaken and break and they are gonna leave anyways.
Trust me, I know.
It’s the same with stuff. Stuff comes and goes. Things break and get replaced. Things become outdated and useless. Dangerous sometimes.
Be like Elsa and let it fucking go.
I spent my childhood/teenage years pretty fucking alone.
I got attached to some horrible people and some pretty bad outfits. I didn’t have a lot of clothes either.
And I stayed and I bent and I broke and they left.
At the end of the day all we have is our integrity, and if we lie to ourselves and others about who were are and what we really want…there is no truth there, just a cardboard cut-out of the person you could be.
A girl on my Facebook page messaged me one night. Wanting to kill herself over a man who obviously cares very little for her. Uses her for whatever purpose. She asked me ‘how to keep him’ and to pray for his return. I said “fuck no. Instead I’ll pray for you to see your worth away from him and love yourself.”
She calmed down and got some help. 45 days later. Same fucking same.
I got mad.
Viciously authentically Sarah fucking mad.
Told her all the same shit again.
She won’t listen.
I can’t save her.
She has to save herself.
I learned this the hard way.
There is no instruction manual save these words here (and they will go unheeded by most).
It’s okay. I didn’t listen either. I almost died.
I am eternally grateful that I am alive.
Near death tends to shake the veils off.
I stopped lying to myself and everyone around me.
Sure, people left. A few people liked me better broken. I didn’t and I matter.
I started looking at all the things I put aside to make others happy and I picked them all back up, burned what didn’t suit me and expanded on what I loved. Went back to work, embraced it. I started writing, posting memes with lightning speed, eating good food, being nice to my body, especially the hungry thing that is my vagina. Just told the truth about it. Yes I have lovers, you can be one too if you wish. Here are the rules, I make all the rules…alrighty then pick me up Thursday and feed me.
They always pick me up on Thursday and I am always well fed in all ways.
And if not I locomote outta there. Another train will come by.
There are 5 great myths that fuck us all up
- Right (replace with ‘better’)
- Wrong (replace with ‘worse’)
- Never (replace with ‘not for long’)
- Forever (replace with ‘for a while’)
Perfection isn’t what we think. No one is perfect, no thing is perfect. Perfection is tiny moments here and there. The rush of a new lover or familiarity of a seasoned one. Sun on your skin. That first sip of whiskey. Belly laugh with your kid while two girls dance in a hotel lobby.
When I realized all of these things I became me.
Messy funny silly loud obnoxious powerful magical slightly crazy turbo slut me and I have never been happier.