When I was a teenager I would drop acid, hang out with my friends, go home and write trippy-teenage-angsty-drama-laden poetry.
Some of it wasn’t half bad from what I remember.
There was a drawer. Everything I Ever wrote, (dis)organized in layers, from public school until I was 15. I still have the dresser. The words went in the fire. Apparently the stuff on top was pornographic, funny since I was a virgin well into my 16th year. Not funny ha ha. I admit to a little bitterness, there are ghosts and slips of the girls I used to be in here with me.
Took me 25 years to rise like a phoenix from the ashes of that funeral pyre.
I’m writing again, now is all that matters.
One thing I remember writing, (yes 25 years and I still remember), was ‘there is a rowdy tea party in my head’.
The Me I am now has dubbed them “The Royal We”. I stole that from a song (Silversun Pickups)
I am composed of 4 elements.
It’s just Mine. Clean cut, flawless. Honed and sharpened over 40 years of grinding against the illogic of others. Forged in the fires of right and wrong.
“Logic stepped in, wearing the shining armour of truth and slayed the twit with two words.
Logic flashed a sunlit smile, confident and infallible”.
My logic is diamond encrusted and I wear it like a crown or wield it like a sword, depending.
Freudian fo’ sho’. What I want, what I am. The masks I wore. Ego is mutable and well tamed by Logic and time. For most of my life not a lot of outside thought was given to what I want and who I am. She got buried under everyone else’s ego. Not anymore. And the masks? Just decoration now.
Dear sweet heart. Think Boo from Monster’s Inc. always in pj’s and pigtails, forever 3 years old, speaking in that candy-coated jabber no one understands but it pleases our ears.
Mostly she walks around with her blankie and colours.
On occasion she wails, sounds like whale noises.
Then sometimes she turns into the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man and lays waste to New York, accidentally. She’s just so big.
And last but always loudest, Vagina.
Imagine a teenage girl. Temper tantrum after temper tantrum. Also, she is always STARVING. Sometimes we feed her just to shut her up.
Fear, Doubt, Hope and Angst used to sit at the table with us. Bunch of fucking assholes, always spitting on the good cupcakes and letting the tea steep till it was bitter.
They hid under the table, everyone but Logic sneaking them crumbs.
Angst murdered, Doubt thrown into a fire. The locks have been changed Fear and Hope gaze in the window.
The remaining 4 rarely agree.
A lot of their time is spent trying to coax Heart off my sleeve, back to the safety of her blanket fort.
I see very clearly now, from the head of the table, diaries spread out before us that every failed relationship was a result of leaving one of me out of the equation. I never bothered to hold out for “He Who will Appease Us All”.
It’s no one’s fault. Ego had a 40 year identity crisis. And we had already met Him, he was just over in another time zone, being married and shit, yet somehow having full custody of Heart. That has been amended. Heart wants, we abide.
Case and point? Young Un. That was ALLLLL Ego and Vagina.
St. Anthony? Ego had slipped into a coma, like Sleeping Beauty, surrounded by an impenetrable wall of thorns. We were lost without her.
Pimp Daddy. That was Logic standing alone, stubborn, can’t recall why. Trying to be a grown up I suppose. Yuck.
Sunday. Closer. Logic, Ego and Vagina all concur. Heart smiles at him but keeps colouring and humming to herself.
I had an Epiphany.
United we stand, divided we fall. (Aesop)
Fuck, united we fall harder.
Twice the Council has voted unanimously. Giving rise to the 5th element.
That is all I really am.
Love walking around in human form.
Less like Milla Jovovich and more like Mother Mary. The way the Catholics draw her.
Our Lady of Lust, Grace, Serenity with our gargantuan glowing Immaculate Heart.