Water Falls

April 30, 2015

Niagara Falls (photo by me)

What he said
“20 years ago you would have been my dream girl”.
What I said
“I still am”.
He agreed, but he was drunk so I didn’t hold him to it.

What I should have said
“Sorry I am late but I had 20 years of stupid shit to do”.

With an addendum, “I am sofa king stubborn, and honestly I wasn’t ready. I am now. Can you just keep kissing me please, I got a little shredded on my way here.”
Half of the conversation my face was buried in his jacket, I have no idea what he heard or didn’t. I spend a lot of time whispering things to my shoes, I know he can only here me when I am on the passenger side.
I watched “Chasing Amy” the other day and this happened.
Holden: Why me?
Alyssa: …I was thorough when I looked for you. I feel justified lying in your arms. I got here on my own terms and I have no question there was someplace it didn’t look. For me that makes all the difference.
I cried so hard I almost drowned.
A lot of my analogies reference water. My life is this river I am on, it ebbs and flows, there are rapids and blind corners, I only have a map of where I have been, not where I am going. Sometimes the sun is shining, I float and it’s easy. All of the times of great distress and turmoil I have been through can be likened to when I got close to shore and held onto some piece of flotsam for dear life and refused to just let things flow.

I am late.

I am late because I got stuck. I cleaved to a rock for a while back there. Clung to the branches of a tree that was half submerged for like 7 years. I let go. There was a rope holding me back, I cut it. I am sorry I took so long. Thank you for being here when I caught up.
To be clear, he showed up and then I lost him, around a corner somewhere. I zigged he zagged, there was a whirlpool, it was messy. So this wasn’t for him or because of him. The epiphanies came on their own, it was just time. These are all things I had to do.
I let everything go let the water rush over me. My soul has never been this clean.
I mentioned a few blog posts ago that it was an act of cruelty for the Universe to place soul recognition on two 13 year old kids without resolution. I adamantly and vehemently retract that statement. I get it now, the Universe and I have the occasional misunderstanding.
It wouldn’t have worked any other way. I had to go over a waterfall to figure this out, the letting go and clarity that came with it.
The Dalai Lama says “everything is as it should be”. I agree.

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