I can’t publish this until I talk to Cruz about it.
I owe him that.
I owe him a lot actually.
He sat next to me in a sports bar, talking to his best friend about me and said ‘she is really hard on herself’.
This little lightbulb went on in my head…
Panda joined the party and the subject of Black 19 was raised and I had to confess what happened there. He sold the rights to be with me for 300 bucks.
I almost cried at the table. I carry a lot of shame about that. All of it. Letting him near me in the first place and the money thing. Grosses me out.
Cruz looked right at me and said it wasn’t my fault. So matter of fact that I couldn’t argue.
I believed him.
Just like I believed the psychic who said Black 19 was a liar. Saw her the day after I loaned him the money. Whoops. At least I was mentally prepared. Still stung though. Always does.
She also said that an ex was going to make an appearance soon.
Wolfling messaged the next day. Thought that was that.
Nope, nuh uh, I should be so lucky.
Actually I am lucky but we will get to that in a minute.
Ladies and gentlemen, for an encore performance, would you please welcome, the freshly divorced High School Sweetheart.
Are ya fucking kidding me right now?
I am currently working with a strategy manager, he is an awesome dude and believes in my ability to make money with writing etc. He messaged in the middle of everything.
Conversations with Clifford
Me: I was in love with the same boy from age 13 to 40
Clifford: You told me about him
Me: He just got divorced
Me: He messaged me yesterday
Clifford: And he’s interested in you again? But you got a good thing with Cruz right?
Me: He never stopped being interested. We talked on and off his whole marriage, my whole marriage, but I let him go in December 2014. I did always wonder how I would react if he came back.
Clifford: What do you feel?
Clifford: Maybe that ship has sailed
Me: It sunk I think, watery grave, no survivors.
Clifford: There a girl in my life where the timing was just never right and the stars were never going to align and we just accepted that for what it was.
Me: That is exactly it. He messaged yesterday and told me what happened, Cruz asked me to be his girlfriend last night. I said yes to Cruz with zero hesitation.
Clifford: Boom! Congrats to you and Cruz
Me: He is super sweet to me and just lets me be myself. This is pretty epic for me.
Clifford: Trust your gut right
Me: Oh honey, All my body parts are super happy with Cruz.
And there it is.
For the first time in a long time everything about me is content with one person who wants me back, like right now, not later after we split and I am missed.
Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of my exes, I shall not want.
Something in me changed, right before he got here. I did a massive letting go of everything from the time called ‘before’.
The same psychic that predicted the other two events told me to try and figure out the kind of relationship I want, instead of thinking about the man I want.
I did that.
And now I have it.
He is my fuck monster. Bangs me the minute I walk in the door then we hang out like normal people for a few hours till he gets lusty eyes and we drop what we’re doing and have more sex.
It isn’t just that.
It’s the forehead kisses and the opening of doors. It’s him calling me out on my emotional shit. Its Panda saying “I really like him and I want him to stay in our lives for a long time”. It’s his stories from traveling and him spontaneously picking up a guitar and playing my favorite songs. It’s his lack of filter and zero shame. There is no game playing here, he just is what he is and does what he does. Just like me.
I said the other day that it takes me a long time to get over things, but once I am, they are done.
It tasted like truth because it is.
I don’t want what could have been, I want what is.
Truth is, we all have a past.
But there is no future in it.