December 2016

I have spoken about some shitty Christmases I have had in my adult life.

I think I left one out.

I have no idea where Saturn is right now but I feel like he is up in the sky doing the Hokey Pokey to the Song that Never Ends, yes it goes on and on my friends…

Once upon a time I dated a guy named Graham. He was so boring I am unable to conceive a nickname for him. And yet, for some reason, I was with him for 5 years. Almost had a baby with him and almost got married. I was the queen of what I should be doing-land at the time. I thought blue-collar dude who kept me home and calm was what I should be doing.

It wasn’t.

He drank a lot, hit me a little and wasn’t supportive of me in any way. I had a mid-term miscarriage and he went from looking at me like the sun shone out of my ass to barely speaking to me for 3 months. The checking out process of that relationship was a slow and arduous one. The final step was when Jesus came home from Montreal and we had coffee. As always with Jesus, coffee leads to cock. Before I fully cheated I packed a bag, called a cab and broke up with Graham. He cornered me in the bathroom and fed me punches till his brother pulled him off me.

But we have all heard this story.

There was more to it. I am feeling déjà vu. Just without the ultra-violent break up.

I was so stressed and messed up during that week, which was not long before Christmas …

On the first day of Christmas my (not) true love gave to me, a split lip which turned into the worst cold sore of all time.

I was staying in the basement of one of Jesus’ friends on a pull out couch with my hero. Crying and fucking and not sleeping much. He fucked me so good he jump started my period and by the next morning I was a bloody/crusty mess.

And he stayed.

And he looked after me, drove me to work and picked me up and snuggled me.

And he took me home to meet his family, this messed up puddle of a girl.

I forget.

I forget that I am still valuable when I am not at my best.

I forget that even though it feels like the sky is falling that there are people who remember that I am not a broken mess of a girl who feels like a leper every day of the year.

2 jobs, stressed to the tits, not sleeping, not seeing boyfriend, stripping is like trying to get down the hall at school without getting tormented, I am walking on eggshells, bleeding, and just feeling like garbage in general.

It’s sharknado week basically.

And lo an angel of the lord appeared in the midst of the messiest messy mess.
The gods I pray to sent me a lovely reminder.

I got through that week with Jesus. I survived and thrived. I couldn’t have done it alone, I know this.
And I am forever grateful to him.

This time, I could have endured, but they saw fit to send someone to remind me that even when my light is so very fucking dim, I still shine really bright in the right eyes, almost blinding actually.

So apparently there is some massive cosmic fuckery afoot. Full moon in my sign (a super one at that) with a Mercury Retrograde chasing its heels. Gemini is ruled by Mercury. Why do I feel like I am about to get double fucked and probably not in a fun way.

I am honestly not feeling so shit hot right now.

This too shall pass, it always does. But I am definitely in a lower mood than usual.

Everything is coming up drab grey and meh.

I did a financial projection earlier in the month and due to circumstances beyond my control it will be a miracle if I hit it. I do believe in miracles. So we shall see. And I am so much better off than I was a few months ago, for that I am so very grateful.

I saw a quote today that lifted my spirits temporarily…

“Your problem has already been solved, you just haven’t gotten to that point in time yet.”
Sue Moses

Which pairs nicely with a glass of wine and the Dalai Lama “Everything is as it should be.”

I would never be so foolish as to exclaim anything like I wish I didn’t feel energy shifts like this.
BUT, I do not want to be oblivious. Some people feel all the things all the time and call it a curse. It’s a gift.
There is a diamond in this flaming bag of dog shit on my doorstep. The trick is to let it burn down to ashes so you don’t get your hands all covered in poop.

There’s a shift, I can feel it. Things are changing, and the internet confirmed what I already know. The moon is doing a thing, laws yes M-O-O-N* spells fuckery, and Mercury is right behind it doing it’s backwards dance across the sky. I do need to find one of those articles that explain the good things.

I bought a new phone yesterday. It was overdue. Ate all my contacts and the last remaining video of my kitten who I loved dearly and got scooped up by the owl gods when I still lived in the country. She was a dog-cat and a constant source of joy.

I threw a massive tantrum.

I hate change. I also have my period, haven’t slept much, have a gaggle of bitches at work giggling behind their hands at me, a boyfriend who is MIA, I am having a massive problem with ingrown hairs on my most precious of body parts and woke up to a cold sore, so I feel like a monster.

I remember writing an article a few months ago maybe, something about the shower. I had my first day of having my body back after a similar series of unfortunate events and I was ecstatic, nice that I left myself a reminder. I’ll be whole again soon. It will be a good day.

Till then…

I have to change my thinking.

New phone, fresh start.

No mess of old texts ‘reading through your messages, my favorite way to die’ (K Flay, Blood in the Cut)

A brand new memory card to fill with selfies and filthy memes.

No more weird lags. missed messages and dropped calls.

If I am to be sick and out of service, this is a good week for it. I am only working the one job and boyfriend is nowhere to be found. Next week is doubles and I will be healed up by then. Then the week after is vacation and the real healing will begin. Nothing like sunshine and ocean to fix eeeerrrrrting.

I packed and planned pre retrograde, so travels should be safe.

It’s only 22 days and then we get a free pass until the next one. My job is to just sit back and watch it burn, then sift through the ashes.

I don’t know what to do about bf right now. But swinging a wrecking ball during shark week on a full moon on the cusp of a nasty retrograde seems kinda like throwing a grenade into a nuclear reactor. Big bang, bad fallout.
(see Fukishima, a Retrospective…this is how I lost Gelfling, lesson learned.)

So for now I will hush, shush, breathe, sleep and just worry about getting better.

This cocoon was getting itchy anyways.

I took a little journey to the unknown
And I come back changed. I can feel it in my bones.
Lord Huron, Meet Me in the Woods

*Stephen King, The Stand

I have said before that I am a Gemini Wood Tiger.

Chinese astrology is a 12 animal/year cycle. Dragon being the luckiest and Pig being the worst apparently. According to this I get along well with people in signs of Dragon, Horse and Pig. I’m not compatible with Ox, Snake or Monkey people.

The year of our Lord 1998 I turned 24. T’was the year of the Tiger for the second time since I was born. Probably coincidentally but it was a really good year. I recall my 12^th year on the planet to have been a rather pleasant one as well. Not sure if this is a thing, but it felt like it. The year I turned 36 wasn’t so shit hot, but I feel like if I look back it was probably the best of the 7 surrounding it. I’m not going to look back. I was married then and everything sucked huge monster balls. I think that was the year I left hubby for the Ninja and spent time away from the farm, so…ya, better.

I am looking forward to 48. I have a good feeling about it, just like I did with 42, and I have not been wrong.

I have also stated that I am not overly comfortable writing about my current relationship, and yet I do. I think about him a lot and my brain spills easily and frequently onto my keyboard.

In an attempt to stop this, I started thinking back…way back.

I have had some weird shit happen to me in my day, and I find that sometimes, in here, I tend to focus on the negative. Not the really cool, bizarre movie moments.

I say with great frequency when dragging the lake of my past, you can’t make this shit up. I also say I am not the girl I used to be. Both of these things are true.

So here is a little story of the year I turned 24.

To tell it I have to start at 22.

Once upon a time I met a boy on a bus.

I was traveling with my then one year old son. Kidlet was fast asleep and I snuck off the bus for a smoke. Said boy gave me a light and we got to talking. By Christmas we were dating, by Valentine’s Day we had broken up.

I was a little shit. I really was. I was also crazy insecure and boy crazy. The only way I felt any self-worth was by being wanted.

I still speak to said boy. We have remained friends, which is a testament to how amazing he is.

I pulled a dick move, one of many that year.

We were sitting in a coffee shop at a huge table full of his friends. I felt warm and welcomed. A friend of his showed up and pretty much the entire table saw the lightning bolts of lust that passed between us. I held fast for a period of time and then ya…I cheated. Ended up dating the second guy for the better part of a year. We moved in together. Long story short that didn’t work out either.

He moved out on Halloween. I’d had my eye on another satellite friend. He wasn’t part of the group, but kinda floated in an unpredictable orbit around everyone. Made cameo appearances at varying functions.

Second boyfriend had failed to transfer the lease to my name and me and my new roommate had to do a midnight move to another apartment on Halloween. We were poor and didn’t have much stuff so it was easy enough. Afterwards we went to a going away party for one of the core members of the original group.

‘He who orbitted’ pulled me into his lap and asked me what I was doing for the next six years. When I said I didn’t know he replied ‘being with me I hope’. The embers hadn’t stopped smoldering form the last funeral pyre.

What he failed to mention is the extreme game of come here go away that would be played for the next year…yep my 24^th.

I’d like to find a better way to put this, but I can’t. Truth is I stalked the fucker, from Halloween till my birthday. So 7 months. It was a tiresome time. I’d wait till he got drunk and follow him home from the bar. I’d get laid, then a foot in the ass and cab fare home.

Then this boy named Mark came along. My Gemini twin, also my roommate’s obsession months prior. I ended up hooking up with him for a few weeks just to have the Satellite crash back into my bed. The night I dumped Mark he ended up getting shitfaced at a bar, picking a fight and having his lip split open. In a strange turn of events, years later I found out it was ex-hubby who knocked him out that night. Stranger than fiction. Or on par at least.

Roommate stopped speaking to me and stopped paying rent without my knowledge. 3 months later I opened the door to see my landlord taping an eviction notice to the door. I paid the balance owing in cash and kicked her out in one deft motion. I decided to move anyways.

Then along came Jesus. Who my friends called Mount Matt. He saved the day when my movers showed up drunk by strapping my futon to the roof of his Ford Taurus and helping me lug it up the stairs to my new place.

Everyone was so sick of the Satellite and his bullshit they were conspiring to get me and Jesus together, anything to get me out from under the other. And it worked. I was ready to leave Satellite for Jesus but he wasn’t ready for me.

So, brief recap. In the same area of town, the same coffee shop really, within the same extended group of friends I had now slept with/dated 1. Bus boy 2. Second boyfriend 3. Satellite 4. Mark and now 5. Jesus.

One crisp fall afternoon they all played basketball together. I was on the patio at said coffee shop and heard about it shortly after. Apparently it was fairly vicious. Satellite had some rather substantial road rash when he met me the next day. Turns out he saw Jesus as a threat and it was finally time to lock me down. Almost a year to the day after he’d began the world’s longest game of hide and seek.

So that’s my story.

I look back at that girl I was with the same nostalgia reserved for old sci-fi movies with their outdated special effects.
Seems silly now, but at the time it was magical.