She could no more blame her betrayal on his than she could blame him for anything really.
They had flown to close to the sun and she had fallen, he hadn’t been there to catch her.
The damage was irreparable.
Maybe if she hadn’t found comfort in the arms of another. Maybe if he had been there when things had become unbearable, but that wasn’t the way it went.
She had long let go of the idea of building a life on ‘maybes’ it was unstable ground.
The reality was that no amount of explanations or apologies could put the rubble back to houses after an earthquake.
The landscape had changed and so had she.
It hadn’t been a bad romance, but it was not sustainable, the center didn’t hold.
She let go and of what was and set about rebuilding.
So weird quoting myself. This is in that godforsaken book I keep talking about that is literally 2 chapters from conclusion and yet remains unfinished.
My fortune cookie said “None of the secrets of success will work unless you do.”
Ya ya cookie, I know.
I’d like to make a formal request to my muses, why don’t we finish the book then we can talk about and write whatever you want, how bow dat?
Then this happens where I have old quotes and new lyrics battling for supremacy and to be heard and analyzed and I can’t shut them up so here is today’s blog post.
Little girls shouldn’t treat little boys they happen to meet like little gods (Voice of the Beehive)
I keep going back and forth on that idea.
I do so love that one wedding vow with my body I thee worship, just the one though, not a fan of weddings. But yes, if we chose each other then let the joining of our bodies be heavenly, let my lover be godlike even if it’s just in those moments in bed with each other.
And yes, I do believe men should be treated like gods lest they forget what they are. Women should be treated as sacred too. It’s the way things are supposed to be.
HOWEVER…
Little girls writing books should keep their life out of it because gods and men fail, fall and are fallible. It gets mighty hard to write their praises and make them immortal when they are human after all.
The lumberjack saved Red Riding Hood at the end remember? Not some magic talking wolf. Just a dude with an axe in the right place at the right time.
Or maybe she saved herself. Maybe Sleeping Beauty needed a nap, Snow White too. Maybe Cinderella had OCD and liked being busy.
Where was I going with this?
Oh ya.
The idea of saving anyone but yourself and/or being saved by someone else.
That is what the fairy tales taught us, “just wait long enough in the tower and he’ll come get you”.
The bible too, “believe in me and ye shall sit with me in the kingdom of heaven”.
Who goes up and who goes down…
The Romans weighed the souls of the dead, heavy as a feather when you hit the dirt*
When I am right with myself I am light and I float, my soul feels clean on its own, I don’t need a grandpa figure sitting in white robes on a cloud to tell me when I fucked up and when I didn’t.
When I fuck up I become the less than proud owner of a heavy dirty soul.
As in “can you save my, can you save my, can you save my heavy dirty soul?” Twentyone Pilots
No, no you cannot. No one can no matter how big and pointy the hat. It’s nice in theory, go to church, confess and come out clean…but the only hope you really have of absolution is to confess your sins to those you sinned against. Make your own amends instead of counting beads and for the love of god try not to do it again.
That is what always irked me about confession, it’s like this shitty fuck up loophole wherein you can keep doing the same shit over and over and as long as you say it out loud to a man in a box on Sunday, you are forgiven. There is no real work here. It’s easy to say I suck, I fucked up. It’s amends and not repeating the thing that carries weight.
So on that note, I’m not a princess that needs saving. My soul is a little grimy right now but it will all come out in the wash.
(*Cold War Kids)