I wrote this long winded article about how I am hurt because I didn’t mean as much to someone as
- I thought I did
- As they said I did
Thing is, it doesn’t hurt. Am I annoyed? Yes, sometimes. Confused? Definitely.
But just like every other thing I cannot fathom doing to another human being, this will just have to be something I never really understand.
I have a layover in Houston. I am not looking forward to it.
I know the airport fairly well, but I have less than 20 minutes to get from gate to gate and while I do know the airport, I doubt myself.
I also know that if I miss the flight I am meant to be on, there will be another, and I can deal with it. This isn’t a metaphor, just experience and logic.
The last thing I wrote about this (2 days ago) had no direction or clarity. I struggled to find the lesson.
Then my dude sent me a meme which stated the following…
“You feel bored because you are safe. For the first time in your life, you have no problem to solve. You are addicted to the chaos.”
Um, excuse me…sir…Sir, I feel a little called out here.
Thing is, I admit freely and openly that I definitely was addicted to the chaos. The drama was life. The ups and downs of a “passionate” relationship. Love must be work to work. If it wasn’t crazy love, it wasn’t love.
To be fair, the last thing I wrote stated that I took responsibility for looking too far ahead in my previous relationships. Planning ahead. But can you really blame me? Ex husband said ‘you never have to move again’, I have lived in 2 different provinces and half a dozen places if not more since I left him. I moved out several times during the relationship for fuck sakes.
The kid in Newfoundland who said we could start looking for places as soon as I got there vanished before I got there, but the wheels were already in motion. (Bullet dodged, but still that was a long way from home.)
I do wonder what that path would have looked like, had I stayed.
Wolf who asked me to move to Texas 9 times because I said I needed to be invited more than once. He finally left and left his wife. I wish him well in his future endeavors. But I am still here, confused and annoyed.
Still, I will take blame for believing their words and not watching their actions. For making gargantuan life changes for someone other than myself. And for not listening to my gut.
But that all leads back to this chaos theory.
I thought I left that all behind at the farm, but I didn’t.
I know I am getting better.
There was a quote from Michelangelo in his 80’s I believe that stated he was still learning.
I believe with my whole heart that this is the only way to truly live.
But what about unlearning?
I think I am getting better at that too.
My life doesn’t look like it did way back when. When I was juggling farm and mistress and all the other crazy. It doesn’t look like Newfoundland either in the girl’s house which was the epitome of chaos nor when I got my own space in my friend’s house. But there was a lot of crazy there too. Some of the roommates were amazing, some were not. Plus I was drunk and disorderly every night. Even if I had a routine, it was full of fuckery. Dating a drug dealer who was in jail = chaotic and he wasn’t the worst of the dudes I crushed on.
Then landing here in this house I am about to leave after 4 years. Covid should have kept things sane, but I decided dating a married guy in Texas was the right way to go so I traveled extensively during a global pandemic and here we are, coming around full circle.
So maybe it isn’t that he made promises he didn’t keep. Which was never where I placed the blame anyways. Maybe it wasn’t that I planned too far ahead with him…that was a bad idea for sure, not saying it wasn’t. Maybe I was/am a chaos addict. I mean in a few short yet rambling paragraphs here I have laid out quite a bit of clusterfuckery and I barely scratched the surface. Planning ahead with a married guy is kinda the dictionary definition of insanity isn’t it?
Even after Covid, I had a revolving door of people staying with me and still somehow felt justified in my annoyance of not having the peace I both wanted and needed. I have never lived alone here. I haven’t lived alone since Milton and even then, a few friends here and there needed a place to stay and who was I (with my 4 extra bedrooms) to say no to them?
And wasn’t the Milton house, in all that time alone, where I first found myself?
Well ya. That is when I started talking to you fine folks. I had so many plans. Monetize this blog, renovate an RV, travel. None of those dreams have died, but they did go on the backburner.
And those are the things I constantly crave and return to. Somewhere deep down, I crave peace and independence. Having something no one can take away from me. Anti chaotic. And, now with this move, I have made decisions that will ensure that, as long as I am mindful and do not open the door to any mayhem that may come a knockin’, I should be okay.
Even with a straight job, I can carve out time to write even if it is in the darkest hours of the dawn. I did it before.
One thing I am not is bored.
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never ever be boring.
Chuck Palahniuk.
I will add to that and say I believe being bored on this planet in this time of human existence is a sin.
I am not worried about being boring, nor being bored. There are too many miracles and delights in the minutiae of living. I love the small things.
I might appear boring to some. I prefer to be at home than out in social settings and that is okay. I spent most of my life working in bars, the shine came off of that decades ago. Give me a good pub and some good company if we have to go out at all.
Even when I managed to attain some kind of inner peace and a lack of discord in my life I would always gravitate towards helping friends in need or rescuing stray boys. And then making mountains out of the molehills of feeling they had for me. And then falling down the mountain and describing every bump. scrape and broken limb on here for all y’all.
I am in love, have been for quite some time. And it is anything but boring.
It is calm love, peaceful love, trusting love.
I cannot foresee a future where the novelty of that wears off. All this time spent searching for love, looking so hard and seeing it in every kind gesture and word then being shocked when it dissipated. Constantly making something out of nothing and the nothing always showed through.
This is better.
I don’t plan anything at all, not even the next visit.
Felt strange at first. Awkward goodbyes with no “see you on Tuesday” to hold onto.
The goodbyes still feel awkward, but in a playful way.
Without planning ahead we still manage to see each other often. He has his life and I have mine, sometimes we go a week or 2, sometimes as long a month. But it doesn’t matter. I will see him when I see him. I make the effort, he makes the effort and no one keeps score.
I do realize that I built this blog on chaos. The thrill of the crushes, the despair of rejection, the internal dissection of everything that went wrong.
I think that is a huge part of the reason i haven’t written in the past couple years.
Not the entirety of it, but a good chunk.
I don’t know if anyone would want to hear about how I am at peace with another person.
About how crazy it isn’t.
I think the juxtaposition of having such utter comfort with another human being, in a situation that has always been my main source of drama and discord has made me realize, there is no reason why the rest of my life shouldn’t feel that way too. My job (which is beginning to feel like a career) is stressful at times, but not when I keep it in perspective. My home is about to be somewhere totally new. I did truly miss the catharsis of purging and the exhilaration of setting up my sanctuary in a new space. I am looking forward to being alone, starting over and challenging myself to invite as much tranquility into my life as possible.
