January 2015

I am trying this new thing when it comes to dating.
It’s called being honest and coupled with not giving a fuck. It seems to be working.
Let me explain.

Recently I walked into a well-known lingerie store with the intent to buy matching sets of bras and underwear, gift wrapping for a new man.

I found a lovely pair of panties with a matching garter. I inquired to the sales girl as to whether there existed a bra to match so I could have a trifecta of matchy matchyness.
She lit right up and said “yes,” (deep inhale) “and it’s a level 4 push up”.

(Awkward pause while I try to process that statement)
Me: what the ever loving fuck is a level 4 push up?
Her: exactly what it sounds like, and with your boobs you will look like you have double d’s! (Unsung, but implied SQUEEEEE)
Me: but he already knows I don’t have double D’s (slowly backs away from the confused sales girl and puts the panties and garter back)

I then had to spend a half an hour molesting all the bras to find a level one (they don’t make anything with zero padding are you kidding me right now) and the panties. Because I am the weird one, and also because I said ‘ever loving fuck’ to a stranger who was trying to share some traveling pants secret girl shit bonding moment with me.

We are not peacocks. What is with all the pomp and display, and blatant lying?
He is going to see your boobs right? Kind of the point.
He is going to find out watching motorcycle racing is not even remotely your thing.
Or that you can’t cook.
Or that you were just humoring him with entertaining the thought of a threesome.
Or that you really do love anchovies on your pizza.

I have fake eyelashes, nails and boobs. I also dye my hair and I was not born with these tattoos.
I just say it, out loud, on or around the first date, and it’s okay.
And if it’s NOT okay by them, then it’s broken, I don’t want that one.
Try to follow my logic.

How long can you wear a mask?
More importantly, why did you put it on in the first place?
You are setting this whole thing up to fail.
Don’t you want to find someone who likes the real you?
Victoria’s secret? THAT YOUR BOOBS ARE NOT NEARLY THAT BIG.

You have been brainwashed by article after article and plot line after plot line and airbrushed model after airbrushed model to think that only ‘shiny you’ will land a man. Yes, chances are, if he is a tit man, and you have strapped your girls into a gravity defying holster with more padding than you have actual boob flesh, he is probably gonna buy you a drink.

In his head, before he falls asleep he will be composing a complaint letter to La Senza or Lulu Lemon or Spanx for the deceit he encountered once he got you home, and he probably won’t call you again and you can drown your sorrows in a cosmo and a Cosmo where you will be intrigued by such articles as…

How to make your man love you.
You don’t. Why would you want to make anybody do anything, he’s not a lawnmower or a curling iron. He will love you if you two have physical and emotional chemistry and common goals and values, and you blow him on occasion and make him a sammich.

How to drive your man crazy.
Keep reading these articles that are thinly veiled advertisements selling Botox, lingerie and mascara. They are making you act like a crazy person trying to guess what he is doing or thinking because apparently you can’t use your words or your brain. And that will drive him mental.
Ooooooh, you want to drive him crazy with desire? Tell him you want to fuck him, say please. Then actually fuck him, and after, make him a sammich.
Seriously.
If you don’t want to fuck him, then what the hell are you doing? wearing the wrong pants, go find new pants that fit and make you feel good.

You want to be loved? Love and be lovable

You want to meet your soul mate?
Spend some time alone exploring who you are and figuring out what you enjoy doing. Then do things you like to do and be yourself. He will be there liking the same things and being himself too.

Now the aforementioned statement does not imply that you need to find someone that loves all the things you love and that you need to love all of his things. Nay nay. So boring. Who does this? We are on this planet to learn and experience, be with someone who shows you new things and who appreciates you showing them things. It’s not always going to be amazing, but it will be sometimes. *You really should have your own life, both of you, I mean it.

I am not saying that you should give up and wear sweats because that is “who you are and he should love me and accept me”. No, that is lazy…and comfortable, but still lazy. figure out what you like and what you feel good in and he will always think you are beautiful, if not mildly nuts because your closet looks like the inside of a gypsy caravan. But he knows what is under there so that is okay too.

The place for that level 4 push up bra? Oh it exists, once a year. At his company Christmas party that he takes you to because he trusts you not to be a crazy person and cause a scene like his last girlfriend because you aren’t her.
What will happen is all the boys at the office are going to see the two of you and the optical illusion that is your padded double d’s and think…”holy shit, ted is a lucky fucker”? And ted will hear about it and smile because all men like having something somebody else wants. And if he gets jealous or weird or mad about it, throw that one back. It’s broken and you don’t want it, not enough crazy glue in the world to fix that.

I say Scorpio and most people either think or say “ew”.

Except the Scorpios, they say “I am awesome” in whatever alien language it is they speak.

The chosen few of us who have a hand forged decoder ring just sigh a contented knowing sigh because we know what bliss is.

I spent the better part of my morning on Facebook chat talking a girl out of bed. She loves a Scorpio. She fucked up.

When you fuck up with a Scorpio it feels like the end of the world. Because it is. For now. Everything is temporary, but that is a story for another day.

I have done lots of drugs, but as I mellow in my 40’s, I will take romantic feelings for a Scorpio hands down bet it all on black and let it ride. A Scorpio will get you somewhere over the rainbow high, and you will crash.

This ain’t no come here go away Libra, or a Leo all about the chase, or a Gemini who doesn’t know if he wants to be inside or outside or inside or outside.

If you are young and insecure and have never really had a real relationship before, run screaming darling, run now, pull your panties up and run. I know he does that thing with his tongue, but seriously.
Run.

I was 19, he was a Scorpio. Somehow, without being in any semblance of a relationship he became my baby daddy and it took us 18 years almost to the day to be able to be in the same room. It went as bad as it could go before it got better.
I was 36 he was a 27 and a Scorpio. I hurt him. It took us 4 years to get over it and I swallowed pride I didn’t know I had to get there.
I was 40, he was 24 and a Scorpio, he shredded me. This was months ago. I don’t want resolution, the ego boost was enough.

This is the amount of patience and letting go required.

Rollercoaster in the dark, a fairly apt description. If you want normal, or need security. Nay nay. It ain’t here. If you want to be a blissed out puppet at the mercy of a beautiful demon with mild Parkinson’s, then c’mon in.

Here is what your half of the conversation will end up sounding like, both internal and external dialog (until you figure out what you are doing)

“Why aren’t you paying attention to me?

Why are you paying so much attention to me? Do you need attention?

Oh my god this is the best attention ever

That is not what you said yesterday, wait, did you even talk to me yesterday?

Oh my god that was the best orgasm ever

Did you think maybe I would like to read the book myself before you tell me everything about it

Seriously when was the last time you said two words to me

Of course I want that in my mouth, I always want that in my mouth, get over here

I swear to god that is what you said yesterday, I spent yesterday crying about it and you wouldn’t talk to me

Oh my god how do you do that thing with your tongue, what was I saying

Why aren’t you talking to me, am I talking to myself, I think I am talking to myself

Holy shit you can’t talk to me like that

Oh my god I love it when you talk to me like that”

And so it goes…learn to ask direct questions and make sure he knows that there is no wrong answer.

So how do you handle it?
You don’t.
This is not something to be handled or conquered or tamed or even mapped out.

What is the proverbial carrot?
Best sex ever. The desert doesn’t get hotter and the ocean doesn’t get wetter than this.

Their compliments, although rarely given, are custom built out of truth to make you melt and you can stitch a quilt out of them to keep you warm when he is away. He will be away.

The satisfaction of building love with your bare hands in a hurricane uphill both ways.
This is not a love you fall into and simply maintain. Every brick is a kind word, a nod of understanding, a held tongue, a held hand, trust, understanding, acceptance, calm when you want to scream, giving when you have nothing left and you don’t know when you will get more. Without warning walls get torn down and remade overnight, or sometimes over years.

Roll with it or go find a Taurus, I hear they are nice.

You get access to a spectacular alien twisted amazing mind that will show you wonderful and terrifying things and open you up to a whole new world. Oh he is going to open you up, and you are going to let him, welcomed evisceration. This is concentrated passion in its purest most potent form. I warn you, it’s addictive.

You will find within yourself strength, grace and patience you had no idea was humanly possible, and that is yours to keep, forever.

Why do this?
Same reason people trek through the jungle or climb Everest or jump out of perfectly good airplanes. It’s an adventure.

How do you do this?
Love yourself first. He cannot be your everything and you will not be his.

Love all of him. There is no room for conditions here. He is perfect as is. And if you don’t think he is, then leave, someone else will find him perfect.

Love being alone, they love being alone. Ever try being in the same room with a Scorpio that doesn’t want to be there? Their discomfort is palpable, like a giant rotting elephant in the room, and if you are the reason for it, take your elephant and go.
You can see him tomorrow or next week. Bask in the glory that he made an effort.

Love them enough to let them out in the world. Love them in a way that they feel free. Know all the way to your core that they won’t find anyone ‘better’ than you because you are safe warm and you know them, accept them and love them.

Make a distinction and a decision that sex is not love. It’s going to feel like love, but it’s not. You will know when he loves you, trust.

You can be his favorite but not his only. It’s like making a horse walk backwards to demand exclusivity, it can be done, but it pains me to watch. It’s not natural.

The words “I love you”. Say them if you mean it. Don’t ever expect to hear it. But if you do, a choir of angels will sound like nails on a chalkboard by comparison. There is nothing sweeter than love earned.

Realize their backs are scarred with the hurts done to them long before you got there and the only thing that will make them fade is time and patience and not ripping the scars open by pulling the same shit. They will tell you what not to do if you listen.  So don’t do it. They are not good at setting baggage down, just help them carry it. It’s going to be alright.

If a Scorpio opens the door to the inner sanctum drop everything and walk through it, seriously run, get in there, and for the love of god don’t make a mess.

Author’s note.
This advice goes for everyone ever regardless of zodiac, gender, age et al, be kind be respectful and don’t make a mess by being one. Love yourself before you decide to love someone else.