Blood from a Stone? Nope

There’s one thing I want to say, so I’ll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I’m not sorry I met you
I’m not sorry it’s over
I’m not sorry there’s nothing to save

The Stars, Your Ex-Lover is Dead

It’s on my preferred playlist right now and comes up often. There is a part where they repeat “live through this and you won’t look back” it hits me and haunts me. It’s exactly how I am feeling and I’ve quoted it before.

I wouldn’t wish death on anyone, but if you are gonna be a ghost, please disappear. This is just cruelty for the sake of cruelty.

Conversations with Less Drunk Josh

Me: I am unhappy in my current situation and the Nope keeps showing up

LDJ: What situation, the one where you’re beautiful and nice and everybody loves you?

Me: Awwww

LDJ: Well the Nope can fly to fuck

Me: The one where I’m lost and drunk

LDJ: If he’s bringing you down then he shouldn’t be a part of your life

Me: I told him last night. He can’t keep showing up. Dude I get trapped in that building. With all my mistakes. I hit the breaking point last night. I left early with zero dollars and I owe ______ 20 bucks

LDJ: No not your mistakes, it may be cliché but with all your lessons, you can’t leave your mistakes in a building and walk away from them, they follow you, you have to embrace them. How?? Did you drink all the money you made?

Me: No I didn’t do a single dance. No I mean literal walking mistakes named J___ and the Nope.
No, no I needed cab fare and I had a bar tab

LDJ: So look at them and remind yourself you can do better

That’s astute Less Drunk Josh. I can do way better.

At one point the Nope gave really good attention, then he took it away. No reason, no warning. Just poof.

It would have been a kindness if he actually ghosted, but his boat is docked for 3 more weeks 3 minutes away from my tiny little bar and every fucking night he shows up in a cloud of fruity vape smoke and bullshit.

I tried for the longest time to walk the high road, be polite-ish, and pretend it wasn’t bothering me.

Narrator: It was actually reaaaaallllly bothering her

Especially when he plunked himself down in between me and Tina last week and prefaced a story with, “You know I’m a manwhore right?”

Narrator: oh she knew

He had just finished telling me he was sorry but he just really needed to bang new girls all the time, and then launched into a tale about last weekend and “do you remember that girl I told you about from last year?”

Pick a storyline and stick to it. Please. Or better yet just stop talking to me or near me.

Sometimes it takes public humiliation for me to understand what is happening.

I had a moment of clarity where I saw what he was doing through other girl’s eyes, and Bob, Bob was there too (bought me a whiskey out of charity, thanks Bob) and I realized how cruel he is actually being. And I also realized I don’t have to take the high road, I don’t have to do anything at all really.

The Nope was like riding a Reaaaaaaally good rollercoaster and then not being allowed to ride it anymore for no reason.
Not like when the Hulk broke down…Hulk broke.
Also I have to be at the park every day and watch other people ride it. Or hear about them riding it, also there are a lot of carnies running around.

I have had less nightmarish nightmares. Like literally stuck in a building with people I don’t want to be with, and the catch is I have to be naked on command.

I don’t have a choice but to be there just now. But I don’t have to entertain broken boys either.

This is my circus and these are my monkeys. And I am trapped in that building.

I sat at the bar doing schedules and paperwork until 11pm last night. We have an overflow of girls just now and it’s akin to sitting on a powder keg stomping out sparks.

Also it snowed this morning. I might be in Narnia and I am pretty sure Aslan is dead.

I don’t have time to be emotionally drained, and at this point it’s like drawing blood from a stone.

Once upon a time I wrote “I am not a snack for your starving ego, I am soul food for someone who actually has a soul.” Can’t remember who I wrote it about, ex hubby or the Poet most likely, but if the old quote fits…yep.

I was good food for his ego once, he showed me off, jumped on posts about himself and made himself known, showed me off to the boat boys and friends. Then nothing. And I think I know why. Deep down he thinks he’s a piece of shit, so instead of letting anyone draw their own conclusions, he proves it. Safer that way. He gets to write his own story.

I think it’s time to delete him out of mine.

If I can (and have) deleted posts out of respect for someone I love and want to protect, I should do the exact same thing with this parasite, out of love and respect for myself.

No more nope.