Letting Go

I haven’t been writing much. I have a bunch of tabs open but I can’t seem to finish anything.

This one is gonna come out a little weird. It’s been a weird week.

 

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I got to play fairy godmama last night.

It was Diamond’s turn to cry. I still cried, don’t get me wrong, I am not sure if I have managed to keep my eyes dry 4 days out of the 4 weeks I have been here. But she got her turn and hugs and love.

I broke down later.

Sometimes it’s easier on me when someone else is sad. Makes me protective, gives me a job to do ya know? Gets me outta my head.

She wanted to sober up and make a hundred bucks. I found us a table with two nice men and ta da wish granted.

For both of us. Even though I didn’t know I needed one.

A man sat next to me and told me my soul was ready to move to the next life. I smiled way too big and my eyes leaked a bit, happy tears though.

Messages from the ether were coming in hard and fast last night.

I woke my Guru up out of a dead sleep. He had stuff to tell me.

Him: Why did your face just wake me up? Yeah, yeah, I get it. But that ain’t it.

Me: Message from the ether?

Him: What were you JUST doing?

Me: Drinking. Talking about beer pong.

Him: Maybe stop.
Or fucking completely dominate the proceedings…I sense some experimentation with your social platforms…you know what?…You are SO NOT in control of your environment right now, Chickie-Pie…
Still… you crash and nearly burn so fuckin’ elegantly…I love you
Deal with it.

Me: Fuck
That’s astute

…

I was also talking to someone who isn’t the boy

Him: Dreams. That’s all I wanna hear about. When they happen. Here.

Me: You told me to stop doing what I was doing. That I’m not in control. I know I’m not.
I don’t even know if I want to be. This whole thing has been a trust leap and free fall
I haven’t landed yet

Him: You just can’t fucking resist free fall…and your mystifying hypocrisy… is, you’re afraid of the landing. Why, Z-Baby? … You’re beyond feline pliable… But, what a cold hard heart of fear you embrace. Fuck you. Feel me? Fuck you.

Me: No no. I’m digging it. Freaked out for a bit. I okay now

Him: I Love You. For what that means, here. Now.

Me: Love you too
Am I allowed to land?

Been flying forever

Him: Nope. You haven’t finished revisiting a list.

Me: Okay

Him: There’s one name there. Jesus. Take Your Fucking Time.

Me: Do you know the name?

Him: Darlin’ … Why the fuck would I know the name? He’s a thorn, a whisper, a stomp, and song… And you meet so many of them…because, freakily enough, you WANT to…and my love goes on…

Me: Got it. Just checking. Sometimes my messages are exceptionally specific

Sent this this morning…

So ya

He messaged me an hour or two later. Also a random man told me my soul is ready to level up

It was a weird day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I sat in the bar last night trying to hold a tiny girl together and attempting to decode these messages I was getting from the cosmos.

Actually, I gotta back up a bit. I dreamt of the boy yesterday. He said I was celestial and he didn’t want to drag me down to earth with him. Him holding me was holding me back. And in my dream I said I didn’t care, he was my choice, held him anyways and all the anxiety went away. Then I woke up.

I forgot half the dream, then Guru posts this

 

 

 

 

 

 

And it all came back.

Then everything got weirder.

I actually slept proper the night before, that dream kept me asleep, I didn’t want to wake up.
Had dinner plans with a girlfriend and just a rather fabulous day in general. By the time we went for food I was feeling like my sea witchy powerful self. Got to work, did a rather good show, sober even.
Just felt better. Then Diamond teared up and I helped her.

And then, oh the fucking and then…

So once upon a time, in October, I thought I could sneak in one last visit with the Giant before the Last One wifed me. I woke up in the morning, stuffed my panties in my pocket, drove home and found myself blocked without warning or reason. But I knew. I did this.

Sabotage.

And it’s happening again.

Here is why I cried last night.

Giant messaged me and said “so this is how you felt when I left you.” and I crumbled.

I don’t want to hurt anyone like I have been hurt.

There was way more to it than that. He wants to see me, I left too soon, he misses me, I was right about everything.

He has his eye on a new girl and I said I would be happy to help, he doesn’t know what to say to her and I have all the words. Last time I helped pen a love note, they got married.

I want him to be with her.

In all honesty, he was the hardest thing for me to leave behind. So difficult in fact that I haven’t let go all the way. I see that now. Still trying to sneak in one more visit.

He was cussing me for being so far and I said I had to be.

He is so close to perfect, but deep down I know he isn’t mine.

Giant asked me if I’d met my person, and I told the truth.

He asked me if I am sure, and I answered 100%.

I said the boy’s name.

And that is when Giant said, damn this is how you felt when I left.

Ya babe. It is. and I am so fucking sorry.

Me: You were the worst. Never cried like I did over you. Like I sprained my soul.

Him: I’m learning

Me: I tried to tell you. I get it now, we weren’t done back then. I dedicated a book you. You get that right?

Him: Yes I do a little more now

Me: I want this girl for you so I can let you go.
I want my boy
He’s my person
You were so close
So fucking close
My lesson is that I don’t get to choose.
I just have to roll with it.

 

If you love me let me go.