Okay squirrels, time to rally.
I’ve been exploring old playlists from when I lived in Milton. Mentioned it to kiddo and he said simply “send them”.
It remains our happiest of places.
I was the most content I’ve ever been there in the summertime. Hummingbirds, laying naked on the porch to dry off after all showers. Collecting rainwater to wash my hair. I started this blog there. Had lovely lovers. Had more than enough room for wayward souls to stay until it was time to go again, and I remained. Queen of the castle, on land that was never mine, but that was okay. All the space and half the responsibilities.
I became single and in being alone, found myself again. Stopped compromising the bits of joy I found for anyone or anything. Realized life is just a string of wonderful moments sprinkled liberally throughout the daily routine of living.
Winters were tough but I felt so fucking accomplished surviving each one. I endured, and began to love prolonged bouts of solitude. I learned to quiet my mind. I realized no one was coming to rescue me and that is okay too.
So where the fuck did I put that girl?
She is welcome back any fucking time now.
I miss her strength and purpose.
I regressed too far.
I told my first lie since 2011, and it was a thundercunt move, a really big bad.
As an intro to a 1300 word apology I listed off what I had endured since I got here, 5 months ago.
Not as an excuse, but an introduction to my headspace.
I have not been myself since I got here. Every day I question why I came at all. I don’t feel like I have anywhere to return to and occasionally I am gifted small joys in the form of boys or a good night or a visit from friends, but most of the time I am feeling really dark, beaten down and frustrated.
I have been/worked through a bruised tailbone, a miscarriage, and evil death 6 week cold and now a broken toe (day 42).
I have been through Hurricane Stompy, Crazy and Manipulation. (Girls I work with)
And the boy I came here for loves to pop into the bar and not talk to me after filling my head with sunshine about getting a place together, meeting his mom etc. all while his ex-girlfriend stalks and harasses me in no semblance of pattern that I can figure out.
I survived the Mega Creeper, the Nope and now Mister loving me, then leaving me, then rubbing my nose in it.
I have boys from home calling me home and then disappearing too.
I have been drinking an excessive amount and I am scaring myself. My behavior has been abhorrent. I keep fucking everything up. I can’t find my feet and I keep stumbling. And I don’t know what to do.
Seeing it all laid out like that scared the shit out of me.
It’s all drudgery, peppered with putting out fires and being let down over and over.
There are bits of joy, but they leave me as quickly as they came. I miss my girls. I miss my Zen, my mojo and my majicks.
We are heading out of Cancer and into Leo. I would rather being roaring than crying. It’s time.
We are smack dab in the middle of eclipse season and for people like me, it means the truth is coming, I can see behind all the things.
The Lion’s Gate is about to open and I am so pleased.
I have a trunk in my room filled with the belongings of girls who are all set to return soon.
I keep getting my hopes up thinking, okay maybe this is why I came here. Whatever the ‘this’ of the moment seems to be.
A big bad one in particular that I do not wish to speak of right now. I am scared of how angry I am.
Once upon a time I was super-mega ultra-angry at a boy for being a fuckwit and hurting me and I let out a righteous shriek of mad into the ether. He called me 5 minutes later to tell me someone had just smashed the window on his truck…500 km away in Montreal.
So since then I have tried to keep my fury contained.
It’s really fucking hard today.
I am the thing they held sacred, and dropped*.
And I am not holding myself sacred. I know this.
Today I wished for clarity. Give me a shove towards what is best for me, and make it a good push, I am so damned stubborn.
(*Audioslave)
You said to push, so here’s the first push that comes to mind; If you’re not having a good relationship with yourself and where you are being where your are, and can choose to go somewhere else, where would that be and what’s stopping you? You went there partly drawn by the ocean. Planet Earth is 75% ocean with lots of other beaches and islands, and they nearly all of them have Boys, and many have clubs to work in. I know about stubbornly staying the the wrong place or relationship, damn do I know. Listen to that anger for what it is really telling you.
I did a little ritual on the night of the dark moon, letting go of that which no longer serves me. It involved a little air, a little fire, a little water, and a little bit of earth.. I have felt lighter since. Cleansed of some of the things that have been weighing me down and which kept me circling in some of my destructive patterns.
Maybe it’s the same sort of idea as to why you are there. Besides some changes with your home life and your son leaving the nest to make his own way, this transition period before you move on to the next thing is a cleanse for you. Maybe in the end you really only went there for *you*, no matter what the initial catalyst was. For the salty air and ocean waters to wash away all of that which no longer serves you, and to see within at the things you need to burn away and bury in the sands beneath your feet before you move on to your next adventure.
xo
thank you so much, i love this