lost boys

If it Sucks, Just Leave. (a guide to walking away)

September 6, 2017

I’m the actor James Franco dammit and I am in love with and common law married to a Japanese body pillow.
(30 Rock S4 E9, Klaus and Greta)

Right behind you buddy. I am looking to order one of those, I shall name her Kimiko.

I got into tentacle porn, it’s the next logical step really.

I jerked off 5 times yesterday. Each time taking a little longer and feeling a little better than the last. But I know my limit. 9 times for a few days and I am screwed.
I am writing this with the infamous bag of frozen peas between my legs, because I was waiting for the dryer and thought “why not?”

Two things happened. Porn Hub was down, so I was left on my own, but I managed quite nicely.

And the second? I’m really sore.

The last time I had sex was nothing to write about. Just two people lack-lusterly trying to figure each other out and get off after a long day. It worked, but just barely. He’d already turned me off with his behavior. But, I was used to getting laid at least once a day (if not thrice) and I was going through withdrawal.

Won’t be going back for seconds. From either of them, or any of them.

I think that is my new credo. If it sucks just leave. Don’t do my usual attempts to make it right. If it’s broke don’t waste time trying to fix it.

In a later episode of 30 Rock (and another strong contender for my top 3 favorites) Emmanuelle Goes to DinosaurLand S4 E21 Liz Lemon finds herself dateless for 3 weddings and decides to go alone and says “Maybe I’ll just lean into it and bring a cat in a baby stroller.”

And that my friends, is exactly where I am at.


I’m very aware that every day is technically the first day of the rest of your life.
I’ve decided that tomorrow when I wake up that will be the truest of truths.
It’s time to change a lot of things.
I’ve been gifted with this influx of newness.
I won’t squander it with behaving like I have in the past.
Nor allowing people to treat me the way I have before.
1 strike.

2 if I’m in a good mood.


I wrote that last year. Put it on Facebook to remind myself that I have both been there and done that. And for a year I kept doing it again. Until today.

Something in me snapped or unraveled. I am no longer tethered to the same things as I once was.

Yesterday Mercury stationed direct and I am calling a cosmic do-over

When the eclipse happened. The sky went 50% dimmer and my hope went with it.

Something happened on that darkening day, couldn’t tell you what. Our Sara of Lords and I tried to name it, but it can’t be, and she is the keeper of names and numbers.

A large portion of my tribe found themselves drained. I did not. I felt energized and renewed. Like the silky pink skin under a scab that has itched like crazy and refused to fall off. But with that newness comes vulnerability.

The world once was a booby trap filled minefield with portals to other times when I thought I might have a shot at being happy in a relationship.

Still is.

Every dandelion fluff is still a fucking wish to have the Lumberjack back even though my mind keeps explaining to my heart that there are no earthly words gestures or ways I could ever go back after what he did. My brain has graphs and flow charts and insurmountable amounts of evidence and logic. But that fucking heart of mine is an idiot. I will stop eventually.

Panda made a good point on the porch yesterday, all of this just needs time to heal and fade.

She is not wrong.

I need to figure out how to make my personal time machine move in a forward direction instead of meandering back into the past at every damned trigger there is.

It used to be VW bugs, we played punch buggies for 7 years and I couldn’t shake that memory.

PIC staying at the Lord Nelson hotel and the first touch of scotch on my tongue last night made me crave my own Lord Nelson, but he is gone into the abyss with the other monsters.

Nina Simone once said “You must get up from the table when love is no longer being served.”

She’s right. I will eat alone.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day it’s a new life for me, and I’m feeling good.


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  • scarxoxo September 6, 2017 at 1:50 pm

    I’ve dubbed you “my Gemini prophet guru” when I share things you write. messages from the universe here. I always find something that opens me up to retrospection and insights that lend themselves to soothing all the wounds that never quite close.

    cheers to a brand new day, and good riddance to those who chose to feed us scraps when we invited them to our table.

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