“So wha happening with the Niño?” she asked.
“Which one?” I laughed. “Nada Mami. Todos los niños se han ido, perdido”.
(All my lost boys are currently lost.)
I am wondering if my messages got lost in the ether, wherever boys and texts go.
She sees into me. I love that about her.
She knew I was off.
Looked me in the eye and said “Well, what do you want?”
The subtext being, ‘you are getting nothing because you have no idea what you want’.
I thought I wanted Uno. But I don’t.
It all comes back to time and space, together and alone.
Someone who has their own life going on and understands that although unconventional, I do too.
I have work ethic about both my jobs and I have friends and lovers that I adore and want to see.
Drogo asked me what happens if we both have a bad day at the same time.
I finally have an answer, go hide in the blanket fort we made and color.
He came out of the blue again, the way he does. I was not wrong calling him Sanctuary.
He is the only person who has seen me at work, on stage.
Rescued me on a day I needed rescuing.
I was feeling like shit, rejected and scared. It happens.
The universe heard me and sent him in.
I have stripped away everything in an attempt to not be complicated. I may have ended up making myself more complicated.
Feed me, fuck me, talk to me and let me sleep.
I stand by my ideal that if I am true to what I want, they will come. Oh Field of Dreams voice, how I have missed you. I did build myself up, allowed myself to be torn down said ‘fuck no’ and rebuilt.
And they came. My westerly wolf in wolf’s clothing and a new nino…
“Explain creepy to me” he said as we were finishing dinner.
I said “channeling all of my shitty exes, showing up uninvited, going directly against what I asked for and making me feel like shit for it. Causing massive drama, keeping me isolated and monopolizing my time.”
“So what is ideal for you?” he asked.
I had to mull it over for a minute.
“This.” I smiled.
I went on to explain my frustration with Wolfling’s strong come here go away game. My adoration and respect for Drogo and how he seemed to know when I needed him.
But that isn’t what I want exactly. Just a little more.
New Niño drove me home (so I could sleep in my own bed) and as I lay down I realized, I have an answer.
Once upon a time I had Young Un. For 3 months he had work and music and friends and made room for me in his life. We dated without dating. He came when I called and I didn’t abuse the privilege. He was my primary, not my only.
We saw each other a few times a week for movies, food, snuggles and fucks. Couple times a month we went out, parading each other down the street to birthday parties or through the market. I went to his shows and he treated me like gold.
I want exactly that again, a not so lost boy.