I wanted to write something.
I had it in my head and it was a good idea but…
I am on day one of flipping my schedule from days back to nights and I was up, bleary eyed at 6 this morning.
Logical me wanted to go back to bed.
Smitten kitten me wanted 5 more minutes with Mister.
I saw a thing once or a million times, in movies or on TV where the man cups his hand around the back of a girls neck, with his fingers lightly tangled in her hair and he pulls her ever so gently towards him and kisses her forehead.
Ya, that happened this morning.
I floated home.
Felt as good as it looked and seemed to me it would.
It’s funny, after everything…there are still new things that haven’t happened yet.
It’s the little things.
Always the little things for me.
Big romantic gestures make me squirm. Flowers, although lovely, end up dying. Gifts are just things, words are just words but a kiss on the forehead can feel like the whole world, when the whole world is still dark and he climbs back in bed for one more minute with me.
He pulls choice phrases and words from old posts on here.
One of them claimed that I had ‘copious amounts of sex’.
I thought I did.
Seemed like a lot at the time…but anything compared to nothing is something.
He is something else.
Copious has found new meaning.
Many things have found new meaning.
I wrote once that the only trouble with making something out of nothing is when the nothing starts to show through.
I had a whole lotta nothin’.
I used to make mountains out of molehills and monsters out of men.
“I only date beasts” I said.
“Tell the wolves I am home” I cried.
“Fairy tales and parables about monsters” I wrote.
But what kind of creatures aren’t brave enough to stick around?
Beasts, wolves and monsters don’t run. Well they do, when a hero shows up with a magic sword. And that is exactly what happened here.
These boys I made out to be something they weren’t, weren’t nothing per say…but they weren’t what I made them out to be.
Little did I know that eventually even the heaviest gilding fades, the nothing would show through.
Me and Jon Snow, still don’t know nothing.
Except now I have an inkling.
It was like when Buffalo Bill has Catherin Martell down the well, she’s snagged Precious in the fucking basket and says “I think she broke her leg on the way down…I think she’s in a lot of pain mister.” And he yells back “you don’t know what pain is.”
I used to know exactly what pain was. I also knew a hit could feel like a kiss when the body is starved for attention. (Unknown)
I used to starve.
I was Catherine Martell, living on scraps, down in a hole, in a madman’s basement just trying to find a way out. Rubbing the lotion on my skin when told to do so. Attempting to communicate and negotiate with varying someone’s who mocked my pain and dehumanized me to justify what they were doing.
Now I am out.
Been out for a while now.
But like most prisoners, I kept reoffending so I could go back to the “comfort” of what I knew. Yep, you guessed it…nothing. Or very little at least. Another word for a hole in a crazy man’s basement is oubliette, somewhere you put things you want to forget.
And there I sat, remembering them.
I suppose it makes sense, all I had for company was memories. Little moments and snippets of happiness stitched into a quilt to keep me warm.
Now the quilt is threadbare, slowly becoming the nothing it was made from. Pretty soon just my own indestructible, red thread will be all that’s left. As it should be.
It was a security blanket and I don’t need it anymore. I have a good man to keep me warm.