Universal energy is too big to make words for so we call it heaven, hell, karma, magic and god.
There is more.
I have always known there was more and I felt strange for it, like I didn’t belong here. I didn’t understand. I wanted to be normal and have normal thoughts. It almost happened and I would have died, not outside, but inside. I have seen what happens when bodies are animated without soul. Its cold and doctors call them sociopaths, narcissists. They have no humanity in them. Borderline Personality Disorder is what happens when there is movement without compassion. I am not saying they are aliens…but they might be aliens.
I identify differently now. Looked at all of the things I am and do. I don’t want to feel normal. I want more.
I was in a self-induced coma for a loooooong time. Hiding here since I was 4 or 5. Waking up has been wonderful flexing muscles long atrophied, using my eyes again for the first time. It’s really beautiful here.
20 years ago, I wrote that I could look out at the map of my life and see very clearly ‘yes, you were here’. I left myself push pins and Sharpie marks, highlighting certain roads and routes.
I just figured out why.
I was drifting off into my first natural sleep of the week last night and I ended up updating my Facebook status because I was too physically tired to grab a pen and paper.
Too tired to get up and write.
This will have to do.
I looked at it this morning and my sleepy eyes saw ‘2 WORLDS’.
Every morning I wake up, I walk the dog and I sit on my porch drinking coffee, smoking and thinking. This morning’s thoughts were ‘a year ago today I was cooking thanksgiving dinner for the Hulk. I made sweet potato pie. Today I am heading over to be with our people and he is out west with his woman and her son instead of here with me and mine. And it’s alright’. But I don’t think I can handle sweet potato pie.
He got drunk one night after Halloween when things started to fall apart. He said ’20 years ago you would have been my dream girl’. I spent a lot of time sequestered up in Narnia thinking on this and everything. I think a lot.
I came out of my coma 2 years ago, started allowing myself to feel things, listen to my gut, speak out loud, to love and be loved and basically to do my version of living. I know very well I create these heavens and hells I walk through. I have always been hungry to experience things all things all of the time. The world is full of sharp edges and I bleed. It’s alright. I use the blood for ink. I squash no thoughts anymore. I savor them and taste them, if they are untrue and bitter I spit them out.
I loved the Hulk, agape love unconditional, passionately but decidedly adult. Sure there was some angst when things started to fall apart, but that happens. So why did I love him like that? He is chivalry personified. Strong, broody, aware, kind, loving, intelligent and one of the best men I have known. But there is more (there is always more I said).
Soul recognition. 20 years ago I was poised to make a decision that would have put me in the same place as him. And in some parallel universe there I am, loving him in all of his chivalrous glory, making babies and being happy.
Same with high school sweetheart. I know in another life that is being lived right now by another version of us, we live in a cabin in the woods and wake up every morning grateful for the other.
Sunday and I lived together well before electricity and were royalty, had one of those insanely long tables and sat at opposite ends when he wasn’t off slaying dragons. When he returned from conquering, life was good.
The Poet, I do not understand just yet.
“I can still feel you there, are we tangled in time somewhere?” Armistice.
All I know is that my heart missed him before we met. And since we have met, I believe he is my life’s work. It is also possible that a decision my parents made to move to Ontario instead of California could have ripped that possibility out of this life. When I was in L.A last year I knew my way around immediately. The energy out there fed me in a way that I am still sustained from. That ocean keeps calling me home and one day I will listen and return. I know this.
I spoke to the writer above (Nausicaa Twila), for the first time and wept grateful tears that I finally found her, I have missed her too, for so long. She knows the Poet and is one of 3 people to whom I have said his name. She loves him too and already knew where my heart belonged.
My best girl? Fell in love with her 3 months before we met just watching her walk. I already knew.
So many sisters.
So many men.
All the feelings and I have finally found the source (I think). Best girl introduced me to the concept of sacred contracts.
I now believe I have one foot here and lines and tethers to other worlds. I have always been strange because I cannot always tell them apart. My soul sees others and recognizes them immediately and my brain on this plane can’t figure it out.
My huge epiphany happened this morning. I dropped my coffee and ran inside to write this.
Return of the Wolfling has got me contemplating these young un’s of mine.
Mind Fuck I know I will see when he turns 26 and all will be well for a while. He is the closest thing I have ever met to me and I want to play and see and teach and learn.
But the others?
Simple. We are building foundations for worlds that haven’t happened yet. The stardust coursing through my veins is magnetically compelled to pull them in. Touch them, learn them, exchange energies so when we meet again we will know each other.
This life is a puzzle and I have so many boxes open, so many pieces scattered. But this thought? It’s a corner piece a foundation to build and move forward.
Stephen King wrote of ALL of this in the Gunslinger series. “Go now, there are other worlds than these.”
He spoke true.