I had a rather painful conversation with the Last One, on New Year’s Eve.
In retrospect, it was absolutely perfect timing.
Everything is, I just forget sometimes.
I’d stayed home that night to finish the final edit on the book and totally did that very thing, kinda proud. Panda ordered pizza. I was watching Suicide Squad when the clock struck midnight and drank a glass of pink champagne in my favorite pajamas.
I managed to make it to the end of the movie without falling asleep. Apparently this is the year of finishing things. I like that.
When Harley Quinn made her sad face and said she ‘lost her puddin’, it didn’t make me feel any kind of way. Every other time it had hurt my heart, so much so that I wrote an article questioning what kind of love story I am writing for myself if a blatant case of Stockholm Syndrome made me weepy and heartsick.
I think I am better now.
That particular conversation started with him sending me a pic of lobster. After a week or two of no contact.
He is not my lobster. I figured that out while he was away and I was away and I did the thing he was worried about me doing and I fucked a fisherman and my whole life changed. But I didn’t tell him that part. Seemed unnecessarily cruel, and just unnecessary all things he mentioned since he’s been back.
Felt like a suckerpunch when he messaged me in Florida he let it slip he started dating someone mid-November.
Said he didn’t want to dump her over the holidays and ruin Christmas. Old Me kicked in and I said I understood. And I do to a degree. Understanding is my curse gift.
Then he asked for nudes.
I would love to say I was a responsible adult and didn’t send them, but I already had, before he let mentioned her. I wonder if her name is actually Becky. Except I don’t really care, good hair or no.
The pics I sent BEFORE he brought her up catapulted him from emailing to texting, there was a dick pic involved.
He said he was sad he lost my old pics when he deleted everything. Which should have elicited the response, “well you shouldn’t have deleted me and everything then should you have?”
But I didn’t.
I have a hard time being cruel even when it is warranted.
He immediately and magically ‘found’ my number.
I think the phrase “well that escalated quickly” applies.
I tried to be patient, but seeds of doubt grew like kudzu, which is to say rapidly, covering everything.
Then there was whole thing that happened with the Swain boy, who just so happens to be the absolute absence of doubt.
I wrote http://www.ourladyoflustandgrace.com/echoes.html November 6th and sent it to the Last One. He started dating her a week later. He knew how I felt. That fact in itself was painful enough. But there’s more.
He also came to town recently and respected my no contact request. But I feel like if I was that important he would have knocked on my door.
These are the things I told him on New Year’s Eve.
Fuck it sucked. But I had to rip all the veils off and really see what was happening. It wasn’t pretty.
Nothing about this was pretty. Ghosts and ghouls rarely are. I’m done being haunted.
He showed back up when I was in Florida. I emailed him, my monthly check in and said I went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, it made me think of him and I hoped he was well.
A few hours later, as I was getting ready for dinner my computer made a bing, and lo there was the last one, and my heart got happy because he wasn’t dead and that was good because I had been worried for 62 days that he was. No one would have thought to tell me, I knew this. It was all too new when he vanished. Almost like it never happened.
Which, in the grand scheme of things, now that I have all the information, it didn’t.
He threw around words like ‘wife’ and forever.
Then reminded me I can’t have kids, as if I didn’t remember.
Kids that we had talked about and he didn’t want when he was with me.
I am past the point of arguing. I shouldn’t have to bribe or convince someone to be with me.
My girl Mia read my cards when he left, said he would come back, but he wouldn’t be the same.
She was right. She always is.
Good thing is, I changed too.
I am saying my goodbyes as they present themselves. Not forcing anything, just letting things fall away as they may.
I know the horror and pain that comes from being ghosted, my heart was once a haunted house. But the ghosts are slowly checking out and making room.
Giant got his goodbye in the attic room where we have spent day’s worth of hours listening to music and talking about life, the universe and everything. He said he was happy sad about me leaving. I reminded him it’s okay to feel more than one way about something.
Big Spoon popped up in my Instagram and I offered to write him a reference letter for the next girl. He really is a good man. He deserves a good woman. He will find her.
I think maybe the gift I give to the young ones is a jumping off point on how they could/should be treated.
We show each other what is possible.
And then I say goodbye.