Five Guys

June 19, 2015



“If I could I would round up everyone who ever ignored you and beat them up, so you’d know I am listening.”

That was a few days ago. My heart swelled. I didn’t get a chance to tell him how much this meant to me.

He unfriended me yesterday. Ignoring me, without a word or reason. Yep, that happened.


‘How many times are we going to do this Sarah?’

Once more into the breach.

5 guys.

5 guys in as many months.

  1. 22 year old Italian kid. Went out for dinner, sat in his car at the beach watching the sun go down. Making out like high school kids, listening to music, laughing, talking, touching, exploring.
    “I really like you Sarah, you are amazing. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

He called, we talked for 4 more days until it was time to go out again. Haven’t heard from him since.

I lost my shit.

  1. Another 22 year old. An artist this time. Came at me strong and confident. Wanted to draw me. We went for dinner. Walked through the park. Talked about everything and anything. There were fireworks, literal fireworks, it was a holiday Monday. He didn’t touch me. I drove him home, quick brotherly kiss goodnight.
    I pulled my truck over on the way home and messaged “I kinda wanted to pull the car around, come back and try that kiss again”, this opened the floodgates. We talked for 12 more days until he disappeared. The last thing he said is that we would go on roller coasters.

I lost my shit even harder, panic attacks and crying jags. Melt-down.

  1. He was 27, a waiter. I had met him out for dinner one night at a little southern fusion place. Went back a month later and he reiterated verbatim everything I ate and said and did (see first sentence about how I feel unnoticed and ignored). He had delicious freckles and a psychology degree. We talked for 2 days. I had to break the first date, so this one I can wrap my head around.

I shrugged it off.

  1. 40-something, owned a construction company. Technically he could be listed as 1. I met him last year and we kept missing the boat. Never made it on one date. I wasn’t terribly bothered. It was nice enough that he remembered me and asked me out one more time.

I actually forgot about him until it was time to write this.

No great losses here.


There is a phrase that makes its rounds on memes over and over.
“One day someone will come into your life and you will see why it never worked with anyone else.”

Which brings us to the 5th.

Before I realized he had cut me off I said this…

We have talked about a lot of things over the last week. I am savoring them, turning them over and over.

You have mentioned a few times wanting to take things slow, yesterday you went into more detail.

Yes. This. Please.

Last Friday night at around 3am you and I came at each other full force.

There was an earth shattering kaboom.

The ground stopped shaking, the dust cleared and we were both still standing.

A little shaken, breathing heavy, but we stayed.

This time you are taking with me and giving me makes me feel wanted.

I like the waiting, learning and building.

Even if it never goes any further. You have cracked me open, wider than I have ever been and you have my gratitude for that.

I suppose this is just a long way of saying I appreciate you.”

I had a moment where I felt foolish, but it passed quickly. I meant what I said. I had every intention of staying and building.

He was my first attempt at something long distance, online.

Truth be told, it felt surreal the whole time, like dreaming.

There was safety hiding behind phone calls and typed messages.

He made it even safer with who and how he was.

He did crack me wide open, went exploring in my messy guts, my even messier past, came back smiling every time. Except the last one.

I’m grateful to him.

I am still open, I have no intentions of closing.

I got a tattoo the other day. A quote by one of my favorite authors

“love not shown is love wasted” (Michael Xavier)

I believe this to be the truth.

This last one? The 5th element? I loved him harder than I knew I could in the time I was given.
I did my best, I came as far forward as I have ever been and I have no angst or regret.
Yes. There is an empty space where his words and his voice were. Yes it hurts.

I refuse to taint it with a tantrum. He deserves more than that.

I am the common denominator here. I see this.

“Your life collided with mine and you simply failed to survive the wreckage”. Poppy Z Brite.

There must be some sharp edge to me that keeps cutting these men off, severing the ties that bound.

I’ve put down my sword. I don’t want to keep cutting the head off the hydra and have another head appear. I love that last monster as is.

‘How many times are we going to do this Sarah?’

Negative one.





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  • Brad Kellam June 20, 2015 at 3:36 am

    Into the breach, appropriate words indeed.

    There is no reward without risk and no risk without reward, there is however a leap of faith that one must take in either case. Faith and hope spring eternal and can result in redemption given the right circumstances. Faith and Hope… Pray it’s enough and the stars align.

    • sexloveandgrace June 20, 2015 at 9:53 am

      all is not lost.

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