The book is delayed because of a typesetting issue.
I don’t know what my excuse is.
Or maybe I do.
Whenever I am feeling like my soul is sluggish I look internally to see what I am doing not wrong exactly, but what have I not done that I could be doing.
I am behind on some things and ahead on others.
I got here a week and a day before I was supposed to.
Like today should be the day I drive to the ferry.
Never been a fan of the word should. But ya.
Shoulda woulda coulda.
I’m behind on wedding photos. Getting settled in seems to have stalled somewhere around 80%. This magical new routine and new life that was supposed to be easy, hasn’t been easy at all.
I’ve not had a successful week. Flipping my schedule was harder than anticipated, my budget was way off. There are more girls here than I thought there would be, and less customers. And the Last One showing up threw a wrench in everything.
It shouldn’t.
Logical me knows I have to let go. It was in the cards. Sacrifice comes before Love. But I thought he was already gone. And my heart doesn’t want to hurt him.
I had a dream last night that I couldn’t get my shit together in time to leave, that there was too much left hanging, that I hired some help and all they did was overcharge and rearrange everything I’d already arranged, and I couldn’t pay the bill. My stuff was in limbo. Help arrived just before I woke up. And I saw some beautiful lamps, let there be light.
I think I have mastered the art of patience, I speak fondly and frequently of the long game. But sometimes, like right about now, as the predicted forecast for this week looks like some binary code for who-knows-what 1-1-0-0-0-1-1, I must accept that I am in Atlantic Canada and I left early spring behind.
The universe knows what is best even if it isn’t on my timeline.
I think the same thing happened when I finally hit send on the manuscript for the book. I thought it would be easy to sell 500 copies, make my money back and a cushion.
As it stands it’s more like 100 and they were more expensive than anticipated. And then there is the delay.
“If you build it he will come.”
I believe this with my whole heart, I do. But I forget poor Kevin Costner had to almost lose everything, drive to the other side of the country and deal with everyone thinking he was batshit insane before everything worked out in the end.
I also have to remember life is not a movie, although I do get my share of movie moments.
I have enough left to pay storage for the month of March.
And maybe that is part of it.
Maybe I have to start from absolute zero.
I left all my cushions behind when I came here.
Unconditional love. Unconditional sex. Unconditional income. My desk my bed my dog my kid my everything, except what fit in the car.
I left my winter coat behind in optimism. Whoops.
5 years ago, I couldn’t quite tell you where I lived or who I was with or what I was doing, but I left myself this note
i live a pretty blessed life.
i always get what i need and sometimes what i want, if it’s good for me and lines up with the direction i should be traveling in.
i am grateful for what i have and the luck i receive.
do what you can with what you have where you are and always be ready for miracles, because magic happens all around us every day, we just need to open our eyes and see it.
Thanks past me.
I know I was not actually in the best place back then, but compared to where I had been it was heaven and Shangri-la and Nirvana all wrapped up with a pretty bow called optimism.
Just goes to show, we never really know what the future holds.
This decision felt light and right and good 99.9% of the time.
And that teeny bit of fear was all past garbage that needed clearing out anyways.
I drove across the country and landed here, in the place that makes my soul happy.
I keep hearing that I am brave, but I can’t imagine not being here. It was an alignment of all my everything.
And maybe I am just early, I drove into the future, makes sense it would take a little while for everything to catch up.