With Saturn leaving Capricorn and joining up with Jupiter, I have been charged with reconciling and figuring out what lessons we have missed from December 2017 specifically.
Not just me, every fucking body.
Where were you? What were you doing? What have you failed to fix or accept? What did you do wrong?
Good thing I have this blog so I can go back and look and see exactly where I was and what I was doing.
At the beginning of December 2017 I was pontificating about how things weren’t so bad the year prior.
And they weren’t. Looks like I had Big Spoon and Giant keeping me company after the Last One left.
Cruz was the spring/summer, and that was a whole big lesson on not building a relationship on sex alone. And seeing who someone truly was the first time they showed you.
November was setting up the house I didn’t want to be in and soon after left. My first trip to Newfoundland to heal from the Last One in October.
It truly was one of the best spaces I have ever created. And I did it alone.
No regrets or unfinished business there except a dryer full of my favorite linens that disappeared.
New Year’s Eve was spent finishing up the final edit on Half Wild Thing, after 4 or 5 years of not doing that. So that was calm and nice. Cathartic and necessary.
January I went to Mexico, check, here again, likely leaving 3 years to the day I arrived.
But what about that cosmically important part in between when Cronos was handing out life lessons?
I have 21 articles to tell me all about it.
Roy Moore almost got elected, #metoo was happening, I wrote about my desire to have a gangbang or I got banned from Facebook and had to republish the article with a different title and featured image. I think the latter.
I went to the secret wedding.
Ben Howard took his place in the A-rotation on my speakers and the soundtrack to my life, alongside Lord Huron, which is aptly playing right now.
To the ends of the earth would you follow me?
And I think I figured it out. Fuck
December was Florida. The journey through the Sierra Madres this time made me extra reminiscent for those last 7 years of journeys to peace and waves and ocean.
West Virginia, mountain mama, take me home, country roads.
It did look and feel like that, just with unfamiliar palms and cacti and the mountains were higher.
The tunnels and bridges were different but beautiful. But still, take me home.
I don’t know if I had made the decision to move yet. I must have.
The clincher there was the disaster trip with Panda to Florida, after which she told me she had hated me for a while. Even though she spent 10 days being a parasite in my happy place. But I know things weren’t great leading up to that trip, because she apologized when she got there and took it back when we got home. 3 years of friendship gone in an instant.
I also finally acknowledged the existence of twin flames and renounced my interest in participating in such nonsense. I gravitated back to a soulmate instead. Giant and I were going through some shit separately and healing together. A girl, with really good hair, tried to trap him with a baby. Bullet dodged. We held each other a little tighter in the night after that.
But I would never trap or manipulate anyone. And we still love each other. That wasn’t the lesson.
Twin flames do exist and it’s not a choice to be made, just a reality to accept and adapt to or run from.
I think I figured it out.
I made that boy from Newfoundland into something he wasn’t. And I made a big life changing move after he showed me the truth of who he was… and I suffered for it. I held onto what was said at the beginning and ignored the rest.
I think I do that a lot.
I focus so hard on what they were, I can’t see what they are.
It is easy to be excited about me at the beginning, I am shiny and new. I am low maintenance and high sex drive. I am acceptance personified.
Then there is this…
Most men’s predecessors were not leaders. They were men who served under those leaders and as such could only emulate those men in hope of touching to some extent the divine masculine force. Consequently, it’s those impersonations that ended up being passed down, and that’s why there’s no real explanation for any of those behaviors. That’s what begets the innate frustration; a need to tow the party line with no understanding of why and no willingness among any in the party to question it.
Women teach about feminine power all the time, whether they realize it or not, in insults just as well as in instruction imparted as a rite of passage. So whether they use it or not, many are in possession of that power.
And men who lack their own will quickly latch onto women who possess it. Because women can confer power to an extent (consider the effect Erykah Badu is said to have on men) because she can force him to grow into a force to match her own. This is likewise why those same men later cut and run; the Work is too much for them and they couldn’t handle it.
Arias Ethaniel Ri’Chard
I do think there is something about me that forces men to grow or run.
I also think I have tainted the life experiences of a couple young ones wherein they have known me and can no longer settle for less than what I give. Maybe that’s a blessing, they don’t have to go through the mess of lesser love.
I know this endless search and how painful it is though, to be wrong over and over.
I’d spare us all if I could.
But maybe that is part of it.
I think the not knowing is worse than knowing. The atrophy of acceptance without the thrill of trying.
I tried.
12.12 portal is open, inside the eclipse portal that closes in 2 days, with the Great conjunction a week after that. And a new moon close to the new year.
It is a powerful time. The sun is going to go dark and so am I.
I was a-ready to die for you, baby
Doesn’t mean I’m ready to stay
What good is livin’ a life you’ve been given
If all you do is stand in one place
I’m on a river that winds on forever
Follow ’til I get where I’m goin’
Maybe I’m headin’ to die but I’m still gonna try
I guess I’m goin’ alone
Lord Huron, Ends of the Earth
fuck, i wrote this whole thing and forgot to go back far enough.
