We listened to Sirius satellite radio on the drive down south.

We always do.

Been a big fan since its inception. Like radio but better. Musical journey’s for days.

It’s an 18 hour straight drive usually done over two 12 hour days when you take breaks, meals and gas station stops into consideration.

For the first 15 hours in the car we had on Lithium.

So the same musical journey on the same actual journey.

All 90’s alt rock all the time. Way too heavy on the Chili’s.

Unpopular opinion…I do not like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Never really have.

One song I like Breaking the Girl. Go figure.

They have DJs on Lithium now. So instead of a six hour loop with a few gems thrown in, the rotation is spaced out a little better.

3^rd time on this trip and it always starts the same. 12-15 hours of 90’s alt rock.

1997 was 20 years ago.

I was 22.

Don’t get me wrong. It was a good time for me.

I was like Skynet and sometime in the 90’s I became self-aware, came online yada yada.

Do I enjoy little jaunts down memory lane?

Y’all know I do.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Postcards from 1952 just came on. I am listening to iTunes due to lack of internet just now…this is what shuffle does.

I didn’t cry so that’s progress.

This time last year I think I was just about to head out on my first date with him. 52 weeks ago. Huh.

Happy breakfastaversary Giant.

Never mind him, we are going way further back than that.

I have this unfortunate agreement with my muse. She doesn’t come when I call. Rarely when I am sitting at my laptop ready. Usually she hits me 2 drags into a cigarette that I put off too long and want to finish.

Or…

Her favorite place to visit? The car.

Usually when I am driving. I have come home many a night with chicken scratches on the back of my hand in an attempt to remember some of what she whispered in my ear. I am about 80/20 with ‘what the fuck does that even say’ versus ‘I can kinda decipher this’.

I have even had kiddo take notes while the vehicle is in motion and fond these point form ramblings at a way later date and thought huh? One says razor, Jon Stewart and cotton candy or some other such nonsense.

So back to the drive down.

The first year in the car and I was so stoked to hear all these old songs that transported me back to the 90’s. I had just moved to Toronto, I had a bunch of new friends. New places to hang out. Future Bakery Patio, the Green Room, the Dance Cave all of my old haunts and there live all of my old ghosts.

I wrote down all the songs and made myself a playlist.

Pepper by Butthole Surfers made me think of Jesus. Bittersweet Symphony made me think of my old best friend Squishy. Dave Matthews Band brought about recollections of a fight with the Waiter wherein I really just wanted to hear one song all the way through and he wouldn’t shut up (Crash by the way). Closing Time by Semi Sonic made me think of him too. Him being a waiter and all. Walking After You by those who fight Foo made me remember bawling in the back of a taxi while I was en route to see ‘he whom I stalked for a year’.

See the progression here?

Some of those memories aren’t worth having, reliving, rehashing etc.

Jesus is. I have spoken of him and too him recently. He came with me into the present.

I had a pretty grand revelation on my way down here. And everything that has happened whilst on vacation is just one big punctuation mark after another on that very thought.

I remember looking in my grandmother’s closets and jewelry boxes. No idea why exactly. I think the smell of their clean clothes, permeated with years of the same perfume was comfort to me. Also, magpie tendencies. I don’t think I ever wore their jewelry but I loved seeing it sparkle.

I am currently in Florida and there are a lot of old people here.

I noticed something, both then and now.

At some point in some people’s lives they hit a full stop.

This is who I am, this is how I dress and how I like my hair.
The radio gets dialed in permanently to an oldies station, the TV is all reruns and the movies from back ‘then’ (whenever that was) and that’s that.

They don’t deviate from this or make room for anything new. New becomes bothersome. As is, is just fine.

But is it?

I am guessing, by recollection of my grandmother’s closets and current observations this point is right around retirement for most.

But I am starting to see it in friends my age and it scares me.

Tell you why…

“You can’t live the same year 75 times and call it a life.”

And I know beyond all doubt the best times in my life haven’t happened yet.

I still get excited when I find a new song or band I like. I will go a season or two and not see any new clothes on display that do anything for me sure. I have always been a hippy gypsy with a little goth thrown in but I am also in a constant state of redefining this, fine-tuning, evolving when I find something wonderful. I am on my third round of ponchos being cool in this lifetime.

I get the same spark of fear in my belly when I see someone announce that they have met or lost the love of their life.

Is your life over?

How do you know?

For some, I get this is true. There are people for whom the idea of ever loving someone new with that depth of connection is not possible. They can love again sure…every person is different so every love must be, by default, different too. I completely understand however the desire to hold that sacred and not sully it. I am totally never going to do that, but I understand it.

I think when we stop trying new things a huge chunk of our enjoyment of life goes with it.

I tried to build a house on memory lane but the postman only brings old news and the radio keeps playing the same songs over and over.

For some the scariest word in the world is alone.

For me it is atrophy.

Never let me stop changing, evolving, learning and living.

Tell the wolves I am home.

One of those phrases that can be taken two ways. Love those.

When I realized this I howled.

It all comes back to Wendy and the lost boys.

They find me when it’s time and not a second sooner.

Tell them I came home to them.

Tell them I am home for them.

I realize fully when dealing with fuckbois, lost boys and young un’s that, in a sense, for all intents and purposes, I am being used.

Humans use other humans for warmth, sex, companionship, understanding etc.

Problems arise when it is one-sided. One always taking and never giving. Gets draining after a while.

Fuckbois are notorious for this.

Someone said “calling a boy a fuckboi is like slut shaming a girl”.

No, it isn’t.

Someone else replied “Fuckbois are not called fuckbois for fucking. They are fuckbois because of how they treat the girls they fuck, which is usually badly.”

However, if you just want to get laid…by all means. Go for it.

Speaking of…

That Cassadaga psychic said a few things, one of which foretold the return of an ex. 2 days later Wolfling showed up in my inbox with a ‘what are you up to tonight?’ I howled again.

I am that Panic at the Disco song, and as such have never heard of closing a god damn door.

I am 1400 miles away. I am safe here.

I am safe regardless, I know him, his patterns, and the way he does things. The way he treats me outside of the bedroom is pretty fucking horrendous, but the sex is pretty fucking good and his pillow talk game is on point.

He said I should call him when I get home.

“At this point? With you? I’m bulletproof.” AHS

We shall see.

Sometimes bruising my cervix helps distract from the bruises on my heart.
And I left a movie at his house.

“I can’t just leave Karen, it’s not simple, my cd’s are in his truck. I have like 30 or 40 cd’s in his truck I have to put up with his shit for at least another 6 months.” Dane Cook

Yep.

Moving on, or maybe sideways…

Once upon a time a girl I knew got herself knocked up by an advanced level fuckboi.

He bailed. She struggled. I helped her out to the tune of about 6 grand. Between buying her groceries, taking her out for lunch, smokes, helping with rent and taking emergency cab trips over so she could pass the baby to me and shower etc. 6 grand in 6 months.

I don’t regret it. I’ve justified the whole situation by realizing I was helping the baby, not her. Baby is alive and well, mission accomplished. I’ve made peace with it. It was never about the money, it was about how she treated me like shit after.

While in Florida this time around, a man approached us in a grocery store parking lot crying saying his van had been stolen. Asked for 50 cents and I gave him a handful of change. We went about our shopping and saw him again an hour later singing the same sad song to another group of people.

Once on a family vacation we pulled off at a scenic outlook. A man approached my dad and said the same sad story, went so far as to get our mailing address to ‘send back the money’. My dad said to us after “never loan out what you can’t afford to lose.” and it stuck with me.

Didn’t stop me from handing out change to panhandlers when I moved to Toronto, if I had it and they needed it why not? I was picky about who I gave change to, women and punk kids mostly. My change, my choice.

When I was 15 I was broke and I panhandled. My friends made me do it because I seemed to get more sympathy/money somehow.
So I get it.
I get lots of things. Being down and out. Being pimped out.

I have been a stripper for almost half my life and had many a ‘financially abusive boyfriend’ which is just another way of saying pimp.

The entirety of this convoluted post has been me avoiding the actual issue. Did a good job.

But here it is…

A boy asked me for money.

My philosophy on money is that it comes and goes. If I have it and someone needs it I give it.
When I need it, it comes, sometimes when I don’t need it money comes, I am blessed like that.

So I gave it to him.

It was a bad idea.

I felt a little ill.

I felt the annoyance that I felt in the parking lot when the guy cried crocodile tears for 50 cents.

I felt the betrayal of that girl with the baby.

The anger when a girl who owed me 500 bucks refused to give my hungry child 20 bucks for lunch.

When you give money to friends and they don’t give it back you are basically paying them to stay out of your life.

I’d have rathered he stayed.

I’m still too young and too cute to be a sugar mama, maybe when I’m 50 or 60. Probably not even then. I’m way too concerned with freewill and people staying in my life because they want to not because I’m manipulating them.

This is where my line is.
I don’t mind being home for the wolves/cubs/fuckbois.
I know what they do and why they do it.
Their comfort and joy is mine too and I do so love getting laid.

It’s a barter system.

Sylvia Plath said

“GIRLS ARE NOT MACHINES THAT YOU PUT KINDNESS COINS INTO UNTIL SEX FALLS OUT.”

I’m a different kind of girl-machine wherein they put sex in to get coins and kindness out, but…

When you attempt to use me for money what you’re doing is spitting in a wishing well.

The best things in life are given freely, I am those things.

Fool me once. Okay baby.

Second time? Fuck boy. Transaction denied, funds unavailable.

The only concrete reason I have not to trust him is because of what the others did.
The ones who came before him.

Well that doesn’t seem much like concrete does it?

Those houses were built out of straw and bullshit.

Cheated and lied, broken so bad, you made a vow never get mad, you play the game though it’s unfair, they’re all the same, who can compare

The worst thing I ever did was allow other people into my relationship.

That isn’t really the worst thing,

Fuck…that just took my brain on an ugly journey.

I don’t know the worst thing I ever did. There is a cage match happening right now in my head.

But allowing people outside of my relationships to weigh in on them was bad mmmm’kay?

I went for brunch and then coffee with my girl.
She said she wanted to get all CSI on my mister, she’s afraid I am going to get hurt.
She is a realist and I am not, especially with men.

So…it’s possible.

First you lose trust, then you get worried.

I have a bad habit of being color blind to red flags.

I have been blindsided many a time. Because I am blind.

First you get hurt, then you feel sorry.

My personally philosophy has always been to trust someone until I have a reason not to.

I feel like that might not be the best way to go.

There comes a time, in a short line, turn it around, get a rewrite

I thought last night of making a catfish Tinder account. Catch him doing what I think he might be doing.

Which is spending a substantial portion of his limited free time going on random dates with other random girls.

Ew.

Both of us. Him for hypothetically doing this and me for hypothetically regressing.

Scumbags, both of us.

As if I would be able to hold it together long enough to a) make a date with him under someone else’s name and b) walk out of said ‘date’ with any semblance of dignity or grace.

I would be a wreck, in public.

Not that girl anymore.

I am too lazy to stalk anyone. Lying makes me choke, literally.

I played out the scenario in my head, sadly it felt pretty real and it hurt a lot.

Why in god’s name would I kick the hornets’ nest?

If I go back on Tinder it will be to go on a real date with a new boy or a half dozen of them.

The flags are admittedly varying shades of pink.

In my head he has already been downgraded from boo to bootycall.

I already know he’s married. No, not like that. I’m an asshole but not that big of an asshole.

He’s married to his job.

I keep rationalizing everything. I agreed to this, well not exactly this but I knew he worked a lot. I’ve waited longer for less, but that is wearing thin as the time gets longer I am getting next to nothing.

Flying like a cannonball falling to the earth, heavy as a feather when you hit the dirt.
How am I the lucky one, I did not deserve to wait around forever when you were there first.

Feathers float and so will I.

(Italics = Cold War Kids, First)

It is 5:16am. Panda left 16 minutes ago and I chose to stay awake.

Yesterday’s post was absolute dog shit.

Read like a travel journal without any food reviews.

Apparently I needed a whole transitional post to get here instead of our regularly scheduled paragraph.

Cliff notes in case you missed it? Vacation didn’t go my way but it was warm, the end.

Sorry everybody. They can’t all be diamonds.

There are 3 other shit articles that spring to mind that I avoid reposting  because I really don’t like how I wrote what I wrote.

Why do I leave them up?

Because technically I birthed them and I may need them at some point, or more likely someone else will.

I have a slight addiction to chronology.

Awfully funny intro for a post about change.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Einstein

Oh this was a mantra and a half when I lived on the farm. I said it so fucking often (almost daily) and yet somehow didn’t absorb what it truly meant.

Probably because, at that point in my life I was actually insane.

I have no problem admitting this. Who the fuck moves their husband’s mistress into the house and expects anything other than a disaster?

Let’s add batshit to the insane and times it by infinity.

I needed her there to launch me out. Somehow them teaming up on me to treat me like (bat) shit was the catalyst I required.

Please Lord never let me get that obstinate over anyone ever again.

I know this now. At the time? I think I knew it then too but I was stubborn as fuck.

That is not what this is about.

I am in Florida, again, back at Disney, again, we are about 5.5 hours from checking out and returning to the condo.

Something was different this time.

Magic Kingdom was less than magical. And we left the other park yesterday after only a few hours, choosing instead to return to the resort and hit the hot tub and lounge.

Disney the first year was beyond blissful, with kiddo. Universal Studios was more my thing but even then, I can’t believe I am saying this but…

I had a chance to hit the Hulk a 3^rd time the last day and I passed.

Walked right by.

Who am I?

Hulk is bae.

I love rides.

Don’t I?

I do/did.

Amendment to Albert’s rule.

Insanity is riding the same rides over and over, having the same vacation over and over and expecting the original awe and exhilaration you had the first time.

I mentioned once, my friend Andrew and I were on a rollercoaster at Canada’s Wonderland, like literally strapped in, and we were talking, it was taking a little extra time to get going and in that 90 seconds or so I quite literally forgot I was on a rollercoaster.

Originally I thought I had goldfish brain, oh look a plastic castle.

Now I am rethinking this whole thing.

Last year’s theme park adventure was sucky too. The Hulk wasn’t running, the parks were crowded and my kid wasn’t with me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love chilling at the condo, Disney resorts are cool too. But I feel like the time spent in line and on rides and navigating the colorful chaos could have been better used. I have shit to do. Escaping winter is amazeballs. I love that there is 61 days until spring as of the day I return. That seems like a manageable amount of time. I just don’t think I can do the same parks year after year. Not even sure if I want to go to parks at all.

Andrew is my certified rollercoaster partner in crime. He has invited me to LA and wants to take me on the rides there. We shall see I guess. He is now my litmus test.

I rode the Hulk 4 times on this trip. I teared up a bit the first time around, half out of happiness and half disappointment. I didn’t get the rush I was expecting. 6 days later we managed to get front row and I sat outside left, best seat in the house and that was good. But still. The thrill is gone. Or lessened substantially.

I think I have developed some sort of muscle memory for these things. My body doesn’t get that good fear anymore.

I found a good way to spin this. My Pollyanna tendencies are intact.

I am not afraid to lose pieces of what I once was.

I used to be the girl who loved rollercoasters a ridiculous amount.

I used to be a lot of different girls, with lots of different loves and dislikes.

Christ, when I was a kid I didn’t like the food touching on my plate, now I love Korean bibimbop and Vietnamese noodle bowls because every bite is unique.

I am not afraid to lose the girl I was.

This year I asked for change.

The first year I did this trip was the jumping off point for the woman I have become.

But even she knows I can do better.

I know I became complacent in the massive amount of improvement achieved in such a short period of time, but that was 3 years ago.

I can’t keep riding on that.

And I can’t keep riding the same rollercoasters over and over again either.

This is a metaphor for everything, really but mostly relationships.

I loved the ups and downs, the fears, the free falls the twists and turns. I didn’t even mind when it hurt my head and spine or the long agonizing line ups and the waiting. But now…

I think I could have been happier lounging by the pool, getting my good work done. Yoga on the beach and walks on the sand and playing in the ocean.

I think that is the new me and my new ideal.

Relaxed productive escape. Adventure without the thrill seeking.

Cuddling in a cabana in Cuba or something like that.

I labelled this ‘the disaster trip’. But it ain’t.

Anytime you get to leave Ontario in the middle of winter and head somewhere where the average daily temperature is above freezing with no snow on the ground or wind chill to worry about, it’s automatically a good trip.

Proximity to the ocean also dictates I had no right to complain. I still managed to bitch on a few occasions but caught myself pretty quickly.

I wore shoes and socks twice this whole trip.

I was up to my tits in the ocean more often than I wore closed-toed shoes.

Woke up the first morning after a two day drive to being locked off the balcony, where (on trips past) I would sit for hours out of the two weeks we were here and take pictures of the osprey family that hunts our stretch of beach.

But I already have some really good osprey pics. From back in the farm days and here on previous trips. Why do I need more of the same?

The answer is I don’t.

I haven’t even photoshopped or processed the ones from last year.

Problem solved.

Over it.

Second thing?

The almighty saws-all and tile smashing/renovation of the kitchen in the unit next door. Plus the balcony construction noise.

I had a pretty miserable first morning.

Kept screaming SERENITY NOW in my head, and no serenity came. It was too loud.

Some noise cancelling headphones helped and Panda arrived the next day. Plus you couldn’t hear the banging from the pool or the beach so…in effect, I was forced outside. Good place to be when its 70-80 degrees.

Over it.

My travelling companions couldn’t be more opposite. One is big on lounging and napping the other can’t sit still. I am both of those things. They made a point of leaving me be in the early morning hours to write, bless them both.

I vowed I would finish the book. But I didn’t even open the folder.

I forgive myself.

I think, in retrospect, locking myself inside a condo during a rather warm spell in Florida wouldn’t have been the wisest use of my time. As previously stated there was no balcony upon which to write. We had a few cold days and I wrote then, the things you see here. I had some stuff to sort through. This is nothing new and this is how I do it.

New Year’s Eve (which hold a vast amount of superstition for me) was not spent with my toes in the ocean saying goodbye to the things I don’t want. Instead we were in a bar on Flagler beach, an old colonial looking thing, dance music playing, packed in like sardines, making new friends and getting free drinks. So out of my comfort zone, but Panda was with me and I smiled more than I frowned.

That usually would have been classified as one of my levels of hell, but she made it alright and I had a moment where I forced myself to roll with it. Glad I did.

In the days that followed Panda and I did the 3.8 mile walk into town, which could easily be a new tradition if we do this trip again.

That is kinda a theme for this trip. New traditions.

Spent a lot of time at the pool and turned a lovely brownish hue. My freckles came out and my eyes turned turquoise.

I didn’t stay as long at Cassadaga as I would’ve liked, Panda wasn’t feeling so well and also thought we had time traveled into the land of Deliverance. Plus that was a cold day.

But I still got my reading and some witchy things to bring home. Saw Our Sara of lords in the flesh, she said ‘it was worth it for a hug’. She isn’t wrong.

And I got a bootycall from Wolfling after almost a year of silence so, so far her reading wasn’t wrong.

Even our theme park excursions were markedly different. Companion one is a planner/hit every ride and a few twice. Companion two had no problem wandering around willy-nilly getting on whatever we felt like when we felt like it. Again, I am both of those things.

We spent too many days at Universal Studios, which sounds like heresy and sacrilege coming from my mouth. But it’s true, I will get into it tomorrow in a different post, thinking about calling it Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes, or the Changeling… although that calls to mind Angelina Jolie dressed in drab clothing yelling a lot.

There was definitely a lot of self-discovery on this trip.
How I deal when things don’t go my way.
Better but not great. Needs improvement.
Time management and how I have absolutely none of that.

Now?

It’s our last theme park day. Panda flies out at 7am tomorrow morning.

For the first time in any of these trips I am really looking forward to going home. There was talk of staying longer and it fell through. Seeing the weather forecast of sunny and 80+ degrees is making me twinge a bit. But I want to go home. Something in me has changed again, as it always seems to do when I come down here. I level up and I want to go home and get back to my new and improved life.

Turn the key and engine over
Let her go, let somebody else lay at her feet.
~Gaslight Anthem

I went to Cassadaga Friday.

We were early so I took Panda to Bob Evan’s for her first biscuits and gravy experience.

She was a happy Panda.

As we were finishing Agape by Bear’s Den came on the muzak.

I was happy at first, then left with a sense of foreboding. The last time I heard that song anywhere that I didn’t deliberately play it I ended up eating a pot cookie and having one of the weirder more uncomfortable afternoons of my adult life. It worked out in the end, but fuck that was weird.

Scared me a bit as we drove into the psychic community.

I was hyper aware of omens.

Panda felt like we were going to get murdered. I felt calm and good.

Our Sara of Lords and her beautiful daughter met us there. Flashbacks of last year but I am so much happier now.

I was told my lady was busy. Second choice wasn’t available either. Almost bowed out, but I didn’t.

Went with door #3

She was a little exuberant for my tastes. Over explained things with irrelevant metaphors.

She read my palms first and then my cards.

Palms were a strange mix of what I was and what I have become.

Panda sat in an armchair behind me and was my peanut gallery, quipping ‘yep’ and ‘nope’ depending.

Psychic lady got to my heartline and she was waaaaaaaaaay off, to the point where I couldn’t control an eye roll.
Until she pointed out the spaces betwixt the lines.
Islands she called them. The emptiness representing chaos, rejection, betrayal, insecurity.

Apparently I carry archipelagos of heartache in my palms.

It’s not that I didn’t know this, I just thought I hid it well. Played through the pain.

Nope.

I stopped her mid read.

“I have everything in my life pretty much handled, except romantic relationships. I can’t seem to get that right.”

Her news wasn’t all that great nor that surprising.
There was a glimmer of hope for the end of this year…ya, I’ll wait.
I needed a break anyways. Like a real one.
She said I could date without feels.
We shall see.

The cards were…really swordy. Opposition everywhere.

Difficulty with transportation, this isn’t new or news.

It then came up blatantly that a current romantic someone was outright lying to me, about dumb shit too.
I had an inkling.
No one’s phone fucks up that frequently.
No one is that busy.

I pulled a card for clarification. Queen of Cups covered the Page of swords.

I am the only one that can stop this.

If it walks like a fuckboi and talks like a fuckboi. It’s probably a fuckboi.

Time to change your status from boo to bootycall.

Or just fuck off.

I’m fine with that too.

She said it had to be me that ended things. Never been my greatest strength, but see above where I am not good at this. Maybe, definitely it’s time for change.

An ex is coming back to try and reconcile. I narrowed it down to two titans. I think I know who and I know what to say and do. He left me on a deserted island and I’ll find my own way back to civilization, thanks.

https://www.facebook.com/KingsPoetry1/photos/a.1723946661175572.1073741829.1723932144510357/1885902058313364/?type=3&theater

Ya, that right there.

I am just watering flowers on graves that only I visit.

That’s the thing about cemeteries. Nothing grows there unless tended to and the dead don’t notice.
It’s just for the living that can’t let go.

So, moving forward. Leaving the grave yard behind, letting the bones rest…what do I do?

She said something incredibly astute.

I have written upon ye olde blog many imageries of the men I am with, was with, wanted to be with.

I have written the most flowery descriptions of their best qualities, immortalizing them, glossing over their flaws with some high grade primer until they are visions of perfection. Little gods.

These are the floral arrangements I adorn their graves with.

Also, upon ye olde blog I rip open all my scars and idiosyncrasies, all of my weird and strange, my imperfections in an attempt to understand and accept them. I don’t celebrate myself with the lavishness I expend on them, or at all really.

I put myself down a lot.

I figure if I can speak true, I can conquer my insecurities.

Here’s the thing…

They are flawed too.

And I love them as is.

Do I not deserve the same?

I do.

She told me to stop dreaming and manifesting the man I want, and start figuring out what kind of relationship I want.

Seems like a simple thing, but it struck me as rather profound.

Like the truth.

Dream Love, 11:11 A Wish for my Pet Monster and who knows what others…all descriptions of quite literally my dream guy.

I think I want one of those bae things.
But what do I do with it?
How often do they eat?
Do I have to take it for walks?

I said in the last post that I want to eat better, work smarter, write more, smoke less, cry a lot less.

How do I fit a boy in there?

Not a huge conundrum really. Evenings and weekends.

After I am done doing my shit. Me first.

Yes, I would like a bae, eat foods with it, walk with it, snugglefuck it.

I want abundant amounts of fun, passionate sex.
To touch and be touched.
To laugh loud and often.
Strength. Chivalry.
Compatible schedules. I don’t want to see him all day every day, but thrice a week would be nice.
I want someone to look forward to.
Good morning and goodnight texts with some smiles in between.
The freedom to be both derpy and graceful.
Trust and acceptance.
To be shown off and taken out as well as staying home and snuggling.
Adventures both together and separate.
Partnership with his masculinity provoking and enhancing my feminine.
Teaching and learning from each other.
Friendship both with each other and each other’s friends.
I want, above all things, to feel safe and wanted.
Understood and appreciated.
I want to look at them and be looked at like we both won the lottery finding each other.
Ricky Fitz and Jane Burnham.

I’m not in a rush. I’m in a rut and the only way out is to climb out on my own.

I have things to do, places to go, money to make and words to write.

Matthew Hussey said “Unrequited love is worship.” It is time to experience something equal and even.

What can everyone do?
Praise and blame.
This is human virtue.
This is human weakness.
~Nietzsche

Fall upon your knees,
Sing, “This is my body and soul here.”
Crawl and beg, and plead,
Sing, “You’ve got the power and control.”
Don’t pin it all on me 
~Bastille
I blame no one, not anymore. This is about the most freeing thing there is.

I am falling on my knees. This IS my body and my soul.

I am in complete and utter control.

Time to manifest destiny.

I used to have a running joke with my girlfriend.

“Can you imagine what we would look like if we actually tried?”

She is an alt model. So gorgeous and so photogenic, but with massive talent as well.

I’ve tried, a few times, to model. Never goes well, I end up like Ricky Bobby getting interviewed in Talladega Nights and I just don’t know what to do with my hands. I feel like I am under a microscope and every flaw is amplified. I jump at shadows and I end up looking stiff and unappealing instead of sultry like I am supposed to.

I say ‘used to’ because she actually did something about it. She looks and feels amazing. I still skate by and chain smoke.

I never saw myself as lazy. My mind is always busy, hands too. When I get into something, be it work, writing, cleaning…I am all in.
Except when I ain’t.

Unless it’s the book. Damned thing. I meant to finish it here and the days got washed away by the ocean and the sun. I have no regrets.

Saw a psychic yesterday. She told me I have fire hands, which describes me fairly perfectly.
I like to have several things going at once, jack of all trades etc.…but I tend to drop things when I get bored or they get too much.

I am half decent at so many things.

I am trying, I am becoming more self-aware.

What if I just tried 10% harder? The possibilities are endless.

I knew a woman once who taught me a valuable phrase and outlook.
Whether things are going well or badly ask yourself “how can it get better than this?”

I forgot to ask myself that for the last couple years. Now feels like the perfect time to remember.

I know my habit of setting goals and not smashing them because I see something shiny, usually a boy.

I have become complacent in how much better I am than I was in the time called ‘before’.

Oh baby that bar was so low. We can do better.

I was a fishwife, getting cheated on and throwing epic tantrums instead of fixing my situation, i.e. removing myself from it. I blamed everyone else and they refused to change their behavior, so I was miserable. Makes no sense when stated this way. I see that now.

All planets went direct today. This day of our lord January 8^th 2017

This year is a one. New beginnings.

If anyone is expecting some insightful lesson or funny story in this post, you can stop reading now.

I am making my personal vows public, nothing more. Leaving myself a list and a trail of breadcrumbs for the next time I wander off the path because I saw a boy over there and he had a pretty mouth and said nice things.

I will be 43 this year and I have been genetically blessed, I know this. But…

The years add up whether I acknowledge them or not.

The psychic I saw last year in the same old hotel told me I am way more on my mystical game when I am hydrated.
Goal #1 drink more water.

A friend I had (and lost) catapulted my financial thinking from hundreds in savings to thousands.
She herself was up into the tens of thousands.
I want that now. I can do this.
In the time called ‘before’ I had 5 financially abusive boyfriends over the course of 18 years.
Back to back.
When I made the decision to be single and I was not paying for the habits and folly of others, I suddenly knew the comfort of a savings account.

I exist with the mindset that money comes easily and frequently. I shall not want. I have been blessed with tiny miracles always bailing me out of trouble even before I became aware of such things.

But that’s the thing.

I don’t want to be in trouble to manifest anymore. I want to help others, I want to travel, invest and save. I already know how to do this. Follow in my girl’s footsteps, dream bigger and work both smarter and harder. Yes, my current workspace is comfortable, but nothing big ever happens staying in your comfort zone. Time for launch.

Goal #2 expand my idea of what ‘good money’ is. Add multiple zeros to my net worth, save feverishly, spend wisely, travel more, and stress less. Do the things I love while turning a healthy profit.
The psychic I saw this year said money was coming and I wish to prove her right.

I have a love/hate with routine. I need it but I don’t care for it. Panda the roommate says the only thing I do consistently is change my sheets on Sundays.

She isn’t wrong.

If I change my work I can change my schedule and also my routine.

I went to hot yoga with that friend I used to have. I miss how limber I felt after, the high from the endorphins, how clean I felt after sweating out all the bad things I put in my body.

Panda has a perfect peach butt.

Once upon a time I dated a personal trainer and I too was the proud owner of a perfect peach butt, I have the photos to prove it. If I’m going to keep going the way I’m going, I gotta hit the gym. It’s time.

My nights get earlier, so do my mornings. We will have time.

Oh ya, Panda is coming with me on this journey of the new, rich and fabulous, she has a head start.

Goal #3 be nicer to my body.
Less smoking and drinking. More yoga and gym.

This next thing is going to be the hardest to change.

I need to flip something.

I meet a boy that I like and suddenly I’m expending time and energy on him and not myself.
I eat up the crumbs they feed me like it’s a 4 course dinner, and it’s not.

“A hit can feel like a kiss when the body is starved for attention.”

Instead of an 80/20 split in their favor I need and 80/20 split for me.

That doesn’t mean I want someone fawning over me, never did care for that. What I mean is I need to look after myself first. I need to remember ‘no’ is a complete sentence. I need to realize that my time has value. And the big one…

“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.” Nina Simone

Goal #4 Realize I have value on my own. My worth is not dependent on anyone else’s ability to see it.

Which lends itself quite nicely to Goal #5 More sex, less feelings.

I am/was about to launch into a post without doing my research.

Sounds like how I skated through high school/life, I absorbed exactly what I needed to spit it out like I knew what I was talking about. So a lot more than most, a lot less than what I was capable of. Unless I was interested in what we were studying then I ate it up voraciously.

If I tried like 10% harder …Jesus, hold that thought. That is a post unto itself.

This one has to do with Rob Brezsny, Scott Pilgrim and my 7 deadly exes.

I jumped over to Imdb.com and watched the previews, read the reviews and now I kinda wanna watch it.

Also, when your guru/own personal Jesus links your astrological future love life long term horoscope to a movie you have never seen. It’s time to watch it.

I did.

Started the above at 6pm, its 6am the following morning now.

I am awake, in the dark watching the sky turn purple with lightning strikes.
Doing unpleasant math in my head.
Sunday
add 2 Mikes
plus Sam
and Jeremy
and the Giant
Sadly, for this math to work I have to add the shitty fake solja boy who really is the only evil one of them all…carry the one.
Yep, 7.
Wait, the Poet. Minus fake solja boy = seven.
Poet for the save. Thanks baby.

I don’t count the ones from before. I wasn’t me then. They were dating a ghost in a shell.

Truth be told these ones don’t really count either, we were never official. I was happier at the time with all of them, except fake solja boy, than I ever have been in the history of me. So there is that then.

I have always been as bad at math as I am at relationships.

Always adding, rarely subtracting.

https://www.facebook.com/lulus.secret.desires/photos/a.746694875360710.1073741828.746691528694378/1517283394968517/?type=3&theater

That is a metric shit tonne of love.

Part one of my expanded horoscope gave me cart blanche to pull, nay perfect a ‘dick move’.

http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/20161229.html

Gemini gymnast Marisa Dick has created a signature move that has never been used by any other gymnast. To start her routine, she leaps up off a springboard and lands on the balance beam doing a full split. The technical term for this bold maneuver is “a change-leg leap to free-cross split sit,” although its informal name is “The Dick Move.” The International Federation of Gymnastics has certified it in its Code of Points, so it’s official. During the coming months, I expect that you will also produce one-of-a-kind innovations in your own sphere. 

Do unto others as you would have done to you. Does this mean I can do unto others what has been done to me? I don’t think I could ever be that cold, cruel or callous.

Part two inspired this article

http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/20170105.html

The fictional character Scott Pilgrim is the hero of Bryan Lee O’Malley’s series of graphic novels. He becomes infatuated with a “ninja delivery girl” named Ramona Flowers, but there’s a complication. Before he can win her heart, he must defeat all seven of her evil ex-lovers. I’m sure your romantic history has compelled you to deal with equally challenging dilemmas, Gemini. But I suspect you’ll get a reprieve from that kind of dark melodrama in 2017. The coming months should be a bright and expansive chapter in your Book of Love.

“Before you hear any dirty lies from someone else, yes, it’s true, I am dating a 17 year old.”

Brief synopsis of the movie. Scott Pilgrim has a girlfriend (see above), and while out with her sees the girl of his dreams. Literally he dreamt her.

He convinces his dream girl to hang out and is then subjected/expected to battle her 7 evil exes.

The fights play out in arcade game fashion.

He has a gory trail of exes behind him as well.

He juggles the two girls at first, but it works out in the end.

It’s entertaining. The film style itself was strange. Worth watching though. The dialog is witty, characters are well played. It’s eye/ear/heart candy.

SP: I couldn’t stop thinking about stupid my ex

Wallace: Just because Envy is back in town doesn’t make it not over

SP: Double negative, it’s tricky.

It’s not tricky. What’s done is done.

Juggling 2 is a dick move but apparently I get a free pass.

There is nothing for a potential partner to fight. I have to do all that myself.

2am ‘wyd’ texts must be deleted and go unanswered, unheeded, unnoticed.

He loses the first battle royale at the end and ends up using a one up extra life to go back and do it again. The parallels are abundant.

On the second chance he pulls the sword of self-respect.

I think that is the key.

The female protagonist is worth modeling myself after. She gives very few fucks, is witty, confident and strong. Has that ‘take me as I am or watch me go’ attitude I never learned to master. She also does a big life move/career change to get away from her past. They follow her anyways but in the end they are gloriously defeated. Even the big bad ex who put a chip in her head to control her behavior. She removes it herself with little effort.

His game? Over.

Mine?

I think I’m ready to play.

Heart went and ripped herself so violently from my sleeve she left a gory trail back to her blanket fort. I hope she is only colouring in there. Brain is hurting. Vagina is inconsolable. They have joined in the keening and wailing. Logic is walking around hands held high and a smug “I told you so” look on his face, and anorexia is wandering around saying “s’up” over and over and over.

That up there was written sometime last year. I am cleaning out my documents folder.

Buckle up buttercups, we are in for some choppy transitional paragraphs while I cleanse and purge and salvage.

I could look at the date and tell you for sure who that was about, but I think I know.

Sometimes my arms bend back (Black Lodge Laura Palmer, Twin Peaks)

I am tired of craning my neck, straining my back and twisting my arms trying to pull pieces of the past along with me. I have places to go, people to see you see.

Trying to figure out how to stop that shit without the blog suffering.

So many unfinished articles, with such amazing working titles as ‘who puts vodka in a wine spritzer’, ‘falling off my high horse’, chaos and a pot cookie’ and ‘hot neighbor and the break in’.

Just little collections of words that transport me to a parking lot in Collingwood, or back to a night where I was up at 3am to rescue my kid from another city and a bad ex-girlfriend.

Chuck Palahniuk is right, these are just stories I tell myself. Except the pot cookie, which had me comatose, out of body and tripping god’s balls.

Today is Epiphany.

I remember years ago, 9 years to be exact. Standing at the bar I worked at frantically scribbling notes on napkins. It was one of the first things I had written beyond a grocery list or a status update in forever.

Something struck me, like a bell in my soul and I reverberated out, vibrating and whole and happy for the briefest of moments. It felt so good I had to write it down, save it.

And here it is

Zen and the Art of Pulling Your Head Out of Your Ass

“I wish I could bottle this optimism and spike the punch with it at a party” and all y’all are invited.

A bunch of random events occurred at the right time for me and I was just in the right frame of mind to notice them all…

Hello my name is Sarah, it’s been 3 days since I had a temper tantrum…

I couldn’t figure out what to write…and then it found me.
I have been itching for a keyboard for days, scribbling things on scraps of paper at work, but they weren’t what I have to say, they were just stepping stones on my way here.

This is just the beginning. Someone told me the secret to the universe once and I couldn’t clean the shit out of my ears to hear it properly…

Wanna hear it???

*just stop*

Exquisite in its simplicity no?

Contemplate grasshopper…

5 days ago I was lost and traumatized. I used to be fond of the phrase “my universe is collapsing in on itself”…no it wasn’t. It was just evolving, rapidly and taking me along for the ride, it’s my universe after all…I just found my seatbelt.
Today I am Zen and calm and happy because I am full to the brim with gratitude and giddy with optimism.
Wonderful things are coming for me, I can see it and feel it. Karma sent me another telegram, this one said

“it’s time”

full stop.

Part two of *zataopyhooya*

 I am open to hearing any explanation for this…

I bought a purdy calendar at the dollar store near work.
It has flowers on it.

As I was flipping through it I noticed January 6th was labeled

(of all things brilliant and bizarre)

EPIPHANY

I drew a box around it and thought “hmmm…weird but cool”

And wouldn’t you know it…as I was standing at the bar at work at around 8 on January 6th 2008, the day of epiphany

I just stopped

Smiled my first real smile in a long time

and it stayed.

Sounds like me.

Actually sounds a lot like me. The most me I was for years prior and sadly many years after.

3 days later there was a shooting at the bar I worked at, ex hubby made the 1.5 hour drive from the farm to my house in under an hour. Laid up in my bed at 5am he proposed, again, and dummy me said yes. Thereby negating all prior epiphanies and lodging my head firmly back up my ass where it would remain snuggly and shit stained for 3+ more years.

I see rhyme and reason for everything I went through, but reading that, seeing how close I was then to how I am now has me working out logistics for a time machine. For one magical moment, spanning 72 hours, I saw the future. And I let it slip away.

Ah well, so be it. I suppose I should just be happy that past me had 3 days of peace. Out of 2465.

Next year, in November, I will have been out of there as long as I was in. It’s going to be a good year.

So is this one.

This is my epiphany on Epiphany.

I already know.

I have goals and the means/mindset to smash them.
Travel more, get outside my comfort zone, less time on my phone, more time out in the world, do whatever makes my body feel good. Less drinking, more yoga.

More sex, less angst.

I head to Cassadega tomorrow.

Panda and Our Sara of Lords are coming with me.

Panda said something pretty amazing last night. She said “I don’t know if I want a reading, I already feel like I am going to have a spectacular year.” She doesn’t want it tainted by the words of a stranger.

Less of the first paragraph and more of the last.

On January 8^th 2017 all planets will go direct for a month.

Nice.

On January 18^th I head home and into a new phase of life.

I already knew I was on the cusp of a life change.
I didn’t need a planetary event to tell me.
I felt it in my bones even before I saw the article stating my work is going to close forever sometime in the near future.

My stomach did one quick flip before Panda and I started howling.

We know how to survive on the outside…others, not so much.

Oh honey that shit is not gonna fly elsewhere. Good luck with that.

I think that will be an article unto itself (or three knowing me).

3 days till direct and 10 after that to soak up the sun and metamorphosize.

I had planned on finishing the book while I was here. That may well still happen. It’s not over yet, even though I haven’t opened it since my arrival. Been too busy making new memories to drag the swamps of the past. But it must get done. No better place than here, no better time than now.

I keep losing track of time.

My girl shared a memory from 2014 the other day and I thought the Facebook had made an error, that wasn’t 3 years ago. But it was.

I just realized it’s 2017. I do so love vacation I have no idea what day it is, just know that in 2 days I see Our Sara of Lords in the flesh again.

We’re going to the psychic camp at Cassadega again. Went last year around now too. Something about ley lines and energy feels good being there, but I feel like her and I could camp out at the edge of a volcano and sleep on the rocks and it would be just fine.

The woman I saw there used no tools, no cards, didn’t touch me in any way. She was happy to see me and marked me as kindred, one of her kind. She was fairly astute. Told me the lying liar I was dating wasn’t lying so much as he believed the stories he was telling.

That experience with the fake soldja boy was last year and it truly feels like something that happened to someone else, a movie of the week I watched while nursing a fairly high fever.

Yes, a fever dream wherein my body was attempting to fight off an infection. Just ew.

The rest of what she told me has remained true. I continue to become better, faster and stronger. The moments of discord I feel are when I stagnant. It’s always been this way, now I am just mindful of it.

2 years ago I was hunkered down in the Milton house. I didn’t make it down south that year. We had one unseasonably warm day upon which I had visitors. The Nerdy Stripper was at my house as were the Dead Glamour Girlz, doing a photoshoot.

I didn’t see another soul for about a month. Hadn’t seen one for about a month prior.

The visit, shoot and shenanigans were a ridiculous amount of fun.

But when they left I was tired.

That was the apex of my sequestered hermitage.

I have since left that time and place and that girl I was. I must have been 3 or 4 updated versions of me since then. But I needed my solitude and I am grateful for it.

This planetary event of complete and utter directness has not occurred since early 2011.
Hmmm, I remember where I was. That was the year I left hubby if memory serves, and all of my drawing of strength and resources began then.
The catalyst was Superbowl Sunday, an ex reached out across oceans of time and reminded me that I existed outside of the prison I was in. He was the key and unlocked something inside of me.
And somehow I found the strength to run. Took a while to untangle myself from the strings and nest I was tied up in, but I did it.

As I am writing this I am having a hard time keeping a timeline. Me, the keeper of records and memories, the human archive. What in the actual fuck. Could it be that I don’t need those things anymore?

When I came down here 3 years ago I had the idea for this blog. Took me a year to work up the proverbial balls to hit publish. It’s still not how or where I want it but it exists and that is something magical in itself.

Tomorrow is Epiphany.

The word Epiphany is from  Greek ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia, meaning manifestation or appearance. It is derived from a verb meaning “to appear.” In classical Greek it was used of the appearance of dawn, of an enemy in war, but especially of a manifestation of a deity to a worshiper. (Source, Wikipedia)

I suppose tomorrow or the next day I will find out if I am on the right path. All these signs saying ‘eat at joe’s’ make me feel like I already am, gut says so too.

It is a really peaceful feeling, sitting at this table, hurricane shutters open, all I can see is the ocean.

Everything feels light and right.

Every cell in my body is looking forward to the next thing.