Once upon a time…
I thought Lover Come Back by City and Color was a good way to start my day.
I’ve had worse ideas. Not by a lot, but definitely worse.
And down the rabbithole I went.
YouTube logic dictated some Lumineers, which was the direct exit to the magical land of Mumford and Sons.
4:40 into Lover’s Eyes, Marcus Mumford does this wail. This is the sound my heart makes. He does it in Little Lion Man too.
Soundtrack to my feelings.
Which is a slight bit better than the theremin noises I been hearing in my head all day. Logic seem to have taken herself a walk. We’re coping, sorta.
My sister met Sarah Harmer in an airport once. When she told me the story she said, ‘I gushed a bit, she writes the background music for my relationships and just makes me feel less alone you know?’
I knew then and I know now.
I think I am going to have to fire you from your position as musical director of my life.
I will wait I will wait for you.
I don’t wanna.
All I do is wait.
For them to come to their senses. To see me for what I am. To come back. To leave again.
Always waiting for the leftover footwear to succumb to gravity one more time.
I am Cinderella on an infinite loop, but I don’t bail at midnight, they do and I’m left naked and crying with one shoe in a mess of pumpkin guts.
Talking to my Fairy God Father…
Me: I’m grown but I’m dumb. I have a boy addiction.
DJ: That’s fine, just pick em better. You’re feelings are always dialed to 11 which is one of the things I most love about you
Me: I’m taking a break. He’s the last straw. I thought no way this kid can hurt me. He found a way.
I want to spin these straws of mine into gold and I don’t know how.
The rule coming back was NO BOYS.
Blew that the first night.
Truth is I never quit.
Wolfling messaged while I was away. I didn’t expect to ever hear from him ever again truth be told. More truth, I wasn’t overly surprised even though he has been gone a year now. I am never surprised anymore.
(What would really be shocking is if just one guy I liked showed up and stayed, that would be weird.)
And I answered him. Didn’t do anything about it but I texted the fuck back.
So it goes…
Wolves scratching at the door and I let them in. They feast on my heart and I feed it to them over and over.
Then somewhere up in the heaven’s some tricksy god yells “plot twist” and my heart hurts again.
I am the goose who lays the golden eggs and these ignorant fucks gut me and leave me for dead instead of just feeding me, taking care of me and letting me keep giving them the gold.
“He had access to my most bomb pussy my most warm bed my most amazing cooking my most talented mouth and he sold the key for 300 bucks.”
They all keep the keys and bail actually.
And I never lock the door anyways.
Few exceptions. Hit me, stalk me or steal from me…I will channel my inner Scorpio and ignore you so hard you will question your own existence.
Panda and I were discussing the graveyard of fuckboys I have built my house on.
“I don’t know how you do it. You must be exhausted.”
I truly am an exhausted princess in some fucked up fairy tale with no happy ending in sight.
I drink myself to sleep, eat poison apples like I am starving because I am.
And every time I try to take a nap some prince shows up, kisses me, wakes me up, fucks me for a few weeks and never texts back.
This has to be The End
Happily ever after pending.