Ch ch ch Changes

January 12, 2017

It is 5:16am. Panda left 16 minutes ago and I chose to stay awake.

Yesterday’s post was absolute dog shit.

Read like a travel journal without any food reviews.

Apparently I needed a whole transitional post to get here instead of our regularly scheduled paragraph.

Cliff notes in case you missed it? Vacation didn’t go my way but it was warm, the end.

Sorry everybody. They can’t all be diamonds.

There are 3 other shit articles that spring to mind that I avoid reposting  because I really don’t like how I wrote what I wrote.

Why do I leave them up?

Because technically I birthed them and I may need them at some point, or more likely someone else will.

I have a slight addiction to chronology.

Awfully funny intro for a post about change.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Einstein

Oh this was a mantra and a half when I lived on the farm. I said it so fucking often (almost daily) and yet somehow didn’t absorb what it truly meant.

Probably because, at that point in my life I was actually insane.

I have no problem admitting this. Who the fuck moves their husband’s mistress into the house and expects anything other than a disaster?

Let’s add batshit to the insane and times it by infinity.

I needed her there to launch me out. Somehow them teaming up on me to treat me like (bat) shit was the catalyst I required.

Please Lord never let me get that obstinate over anyone ever again.

I know this now. At the time? I think I knew it then too but I was stubborn as fuck.

That is not what this is about.

I am in Florida, again, back at Disney, again, we are about 5.5 hours from checking out and returning to the condo.

Something was different this time.

Magic Kingdom was less than magical. And we left the other park yesterday after only a few hours, choosing instead to return to the resort and hit the hot tub and lounge.

Disney the first year was beyond blissful, with kiddo. Universal Studios was more my thing but even then, I can’t believe I am saying this but…

I had a chance to hit the Hulk a 3rd time the last day and I passed.

Walked right by.

Who am I?

Hulk is bae.

I love rides.

Don’t I?

I do/did.

Amendment to Albert’s rule.

Insanity is riding the same rides over and over, having the same vacation over and over and expecting the original awe and exhilaration you had the first time.

I mentioned once, my friend Andrew and I were on a rollercoaster at Canada’s Wonderland, like literally strapped in, and we were talking, it was taking a little extra time to get going and in that 90 seconds or so I quite literally forgot I was on a rollercoaster.

Originally I thought I had goldfish brain, oh look a plastic castle.

Now I am rethinking this whole thing.

Last year’s theme park adventure was sucky too. The Hulk wasn’t running, the parks were crowded and my kid wasn’t with me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love chilling at the condo, Disney resorts are cool too. But I feel like the time spent in line and on rides and navigating the colorful chaos could have been better used. I have shit to do. Escaping winter is amazeballs. I love that there is 61 days until spring as of the day I return. That seems like a manageable amount of time. I just don’t think I can do the same parks year after year. Not even sure if I want to go to parks at all.

Andrew is my certified rollercoaster partner in crime. He has invited me to LA and wants to take me on the rides there. We shall see I guess. He is now my litmus test.

I rode the Hulk 4 times on this trip. I teared up a bit the first time around, half out of happiness and half disappointment. I didn’t get the rush I was expecting. 6 days later we managed to get front row and I sat outside left, best seat in the house and that was good. But still. The thrill is gone. Or lessened substantially.

I think I have developed some sort of muscle memory for these things. My body doesn’t get that good fear anymore.

I found a good way to spin this. My Pollyanna tendencies are intact.

I am not afraid to lose pieces of what I once was.

I used to be the girl who loved rollercoasters a ridiculous amount.

I used to be a lot of different girls, with lots of different loves and dislikes.

Christ, when I was a kid I didn’t like the food touching on my plate, now I love Korean bibimbop and Vietnamese noodle bowls because every bite is unique.

I am not afraid to lose the girl I was.

This year I asked for change.

The first year I did this trip was the jumping off point for the woman I have become.

But even she knows I can do better.

I know I became complacent in the massive amount of improvement achieved in such a short period of time, but that was 3 years ago.

I can’t keep riding on that.

And I can’t keep riding the same rollercoasters over and over again either.

This is a metaphor for everything, really but mostly relationships.

I loved the ups and downs, the fears, the free falls the twists and turns. I didn’t even mind when it hurt my head and spine or the long agonizing line ups and the waiting. But now…

I think I could have been happier lounging by the pool, getting my good work done. Yoga on the beach and walks on the sand and playing in the ocean.

I think that is the new me and my new ideal.

Relaxed productive escape. Adventure without the thrill seeking.

Cuddling in a cabana in Cuba or something like that.



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