November 5, 2017

The universe listens you know. Good or bad. We decide our truth and the voice of God (who sounds like Patrick Stewart) says “Make it so.”

I know I did this to myself. Had perfection in front of me and said ‘there’s no such thing as perfect’.

Universe replied “okay baby” and poof, gone.

I have never been that girl who didn’t know what I had til it was gone. I have spent almost 5 years being present and aware.

Until I wasn’t.

Many’s the time I’ve been mistaken, and many times confused
Yes and I’ve often felt forsaken, and certainly misused
Ah but I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m just weary thru my bones

Paul Simon
American Tune

Like right now.

I am in a permanent state of confusion. Reeling and dealing with a loss that has no explanation other than the words he said that last day, which were in complete and utter contradiction to the words that came out of his mouth every day before that.

You will be my wife without the ring.

Begat “I need to be alone”.

Something was changing in me. I saw the dynamic we had and the girl I was once, who didn’t want to get married ever again or feel that weight and I suddenly found it comforting, like one of those blankets for people who have anxiety. He was my thundershirt. My person.

One could argue that if he was indeed my person he would indeed be here instead of leaving me alone to wander, go on bad dates and crave sleep above all things.

I mentioned briefly that I went to a secret wedding, so secret it can never leave the private room in which it occurred. It was officiated by this tiny woman who was made entirely of good vibes and sass. Five foot nothing but larger than life. She believed so adamantly in the idea of marriage that I started to believe in it too.

I shouldn’t say that, it isn’t entirely true.

I have changed my mind but it was an amalgam of things that changed it, not just her, she was the last tumbler in the lock before it opened. That whole night was. Sitting with 2 beautiful couples, watching the love flow across the table. Watching two people agree in earnest and certainty that yes, they decided on each other and it was for good, for sure, for real.

But the key had been found before that.

When I saw in him things that reminded me of my father. When the dynamic we had was reminiscent of the love I had been raised around and witnessed my whole life. My mother and grandmother ruled their houses. Sometimes I saw it as too dominant, not that the men were weak but the women almost too strong, how could the men be happy that way? Then he came, and I saw that with his whole heart he wanted me to be as strong as I could possibly, in my way and this made him strong in his way.

He said words like forever and perfect and I balked. There are no such things right?

I denied them for years.

But those are the thoughts I have when my mind turns to him. Infinite, like the sky at night. Milky Way galaxies in his perfect freckles. The sound waves of his laugh like something cosmic and inexplicable, other worldly, the perfect circle of us holding each other and how complete I felt next to him.

I seem to have made an accidental covenant with the universe to settle. Settle for less. I thought I was doing the right thing, to lower expectations, put a lid on what was possible. And I fucked it up.

I would get married and promise forever to the right man. I just hadn’t met the right one before him.

The universe always knows what is best for me, and I promise from this day forward, not to question or squander the gifts I am given.

At least now I have an idea of what is possible. Perfect circles and contentment.

With my body I thee worship.

Forever and ever, amen.


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  • Robert Wertzler November 5, 2017 at 11:45 am

    The song that began running in my mind after reading this was Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now”, but somehow, that’s not quite the right one and I can’t find the right one for settling for less, stopping short of a dream made real because we fear it is too good to be true, the stories untold that prevent real union. Maybe that song has no words, much as poets seek for them, just the music of a Blues guitar when it weeps. Saying “Yes!” when the universe serves up the real deal, there’s the answer.

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