Fallout Boys

August 12, 2016

I cannot believe all y’all are making me talk about this again.

Taint none ya bidness.

But I guess it is, and there is fall out and I should clean that up.

Last night I went skinny dipping for the first time in forever. Hot Neighbor was there and me and my Sunshine were naked as the day we were born. Felt amazing, there is something spectacular about being fully enveloped in water with nothing touching your skin. Except Hot neighbor, who scooped me up like a groom carrying a bride over the threshold. I rested my head on his shoulder, had my arms around his neck and I floated while we looked into the Lion’s Gate and my heart let out this huge roar of gratitude for my life and the people in it.

Was it sexual? Nope. Hot Neighbor walks in and out of my house and my life as he pleases. We are friends. Both acknowledging that our lives are better with the other in it. He’s seen me naked.

I have this relationship with most of the men that I have dated in the last 3 years.

Ya, ya they have seen me naked, so have lots of people.

And here it is…

Once upon a time I dated Jason King, the writer. For 13 days.

We were friends before this, and have been friends since.

Better friends than lovers. By far.

We broadcast the explosions louder than bombs. Hence the fall out when shit blew up.

Still cleaning this shit up months after the fact dammit.

Look at it this way. I am Leia in this meme mmmm’kay?



Once upon a time I was lost. I had asked my friend if I could pick her husband’s brain for man advice as I was terribly confused.

He asked me why I asked her first.

Unadulterated respect.

“I am not dangerous, I don’t compete with other women for men or anything really.”
And he replied…that is what makes you the most dangerous of all.

Interesting theory, but have we met?

I’m a dork. I love hard and loud. I am a hot mess on a good day.

Jason and I split because my heart was elsewhere, cleaved in two actually and both of them kept sticking the knife in worse.

Our relationship philosophies differed in that I’m not overly monogamous and he is loyal as fuck.

We holed up in a hotel room in Ohio for 2 days and…watched a lot of Star Trek and ate tacos.

Neither one of us brought our A game and again, we were meant to be friends, not lovers.

Universe says so, loud and fucking clear.

When Jason and I were negotiating our separation I said very plainly ‘I have this feeling that me leaving is going to pull someone out of the woodwork for you.’ and it did. I wasn’t saying it to make him feel better. I had one of my little psychic flashes and lo, there was a girl and she was good, amen and shit.

And then no amen.

We stopped talking for a time out of respect for our others. Then our others went quiet and we came back to the calm center of our friendship both asking what the actual fuck. I am a Scorpio whisperer, he is a man poet…the insight of the other into our others was necessary.

The other one who had my heart and dangled it out of Jason’s reach is the Giant.


Giant has a girlfriend. He was dating us at the same time and he chose her.

For reasons that are becoming clear 6 months after the fact, but clarity is welcomed whenever it shows up.

I did a thing that I am not proud of at the beginning of our friendship, I helped him cheat on her, with me.

No ragerts. But still, kinda tacky. And also begs the question why am I not still sleeping with him. The opportunity keeps arising. He was standing on a chair, my nose right at belly button level while I held a chandelier and he played with the wires. Not a euphemism, an actual thing. See also slow dancing in a burning room and back massages in my bed.

But I didn’t.

I don’t know his woman. The phrase ‘his woman’ makes me puke in my mouth a lil bit as that is a title I coveted.
But I have this thing about NOT COMPETING WITH OTHER WOMEN. I laid out all the information, he made his bed, now he fucks her in it.

Do I love him?


Does he love me?


Do I love Jason?

Hells yes.

I’d say I’d take a bullet for him and cut a bitch but when he was under fire the other night I offered to step aside if I thought he’d be happier without me around.

To no avail.

Still no desire to cut a bitch. The whole thing just makes me sad. The whole idea of ‘almost’ breaks my heart.

No matter who’s almost it is.

I am the hiccup and you had the power.

I cannot imagine a time where Jason and I won’t be friends. I mean I already hurt him as badly as anyone could and we good.

I also can’t imagine having a partner that wouldn’t be okay with this.

Well I can imagine…and just no. fuck that shit.

I had them before…the one who tore through old photo albums and burned my exes on funeral pyres.

But honey, there is no unexplored territory left. Except for how I feel about you and the things I want to do with you and the whole concept of us…can we just explore that please?

See also, did you think I got this good at ________ by reading books in a nunnery?

Past has passed and I’m right here right now with the one I chose, all in.

And the way Jason and I love our chosen ones?

They’ll never have to question where they stand.

We say it loud and proud and often.



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