False Positives

November 23, 2015


There are people who just heal others for the sake of healing. Labels and trumpets are not necessary. They just do what they do.

I absolutely appreciate everyone is on their own journey (which is nun’ya business), I still kinda wanna  pull my hair out some days…because this is my path, and it involves sarcasm and hair pulling apparently.

Someone asked me what a “Lightworker” is.

This was my response.

‘Usually a lady who has semi-grown children who don’t need her that bad anymore so she spends a lot of time on the internet taking quizzes about ‘what percentage witch’ she is and ‘what colour her aura is’ and who feels very strongly drawn to memes about empaths and indigo children.

She reads Deepak Chokra, tried the Secret but then promptly forgot about most of it.

She has the means to eat organic quinoa and the time to meditate. She read Eat Pray Love and it changed her life and now she is out for the good of all mankind until it means actually doing a thing other than being online saying “Namaste” and “blessed be” and “love and light”.

They cry about pics of starving dogs and sign petitions but grab their purses (made in sweatshops btw) tighter when they walk by a homeless person.

They shout outrage at how other cultures treat women but end up judging Suzy for eating a cheeseburger. (Suzy, how could you?) They secretly want their own cheeseburger.

They are active from the comfort of their smartphone (also made in sweatshops btw) but do not actually help anyone that needs help.

They ask other Lightworkers for advice and then argue, or silently decide they aren’t going to do ‘that.’

They speak a language that sounds spiritual, but if you listen close and watch what they do it is full of holes, jibberish and juxtapositions.

They drink expensive tea and take yoga retreats and are still mean to the women that do their nails. Two bucks is a good tip right? (Not with those feet honey)

It is yet another thing that started out nicely, like a religion and got twisted and corrupted like a religion.

They see enlightenment as a competition, an excuse, and something to shout from a soapbox (which was made in a sweatshop btw)

They are half awake toddlers screaming at everyone about the light.

And I love them, like toddlers. So mostly when they are sleeping or playing.’

Two women leapt to mind when I wrote the above. I do not hate them, but man they make me recoil and bare my teeth sadly. I gotta let that go already.

Both God and Mama Teresa had a pretty firm stance on judgment. “Judge not lest ye be judged” and “if you are busy judging people you have no time to love them” respectively.

It sounds like I am judging, because I am a little bit.

I am only so far along my own path.

I am at the eye-rolling check point.

My journey out of the dark started with the Secret. I read the subtext. Also realizing that these people who were making/sharing the Secret needed to make money too so there was probably more they weren’t telling us so we would buy the next thing. This is truth and fact and logic and fine. Still a lovely jumping off point. Unlike a lot of religions this one puts the human in full accountability. Use your brain and think happy thoughts. I like this.

My wanderings led me other places. I had a healer who put rocks on me and chanted. We did regression therapy. She was calm and soothing and lovely. I want to find her and tell her I did the things we discussed when she opened my crown chakra and my higher-self gave my earthbound-self a stern talking to.

I wandered off that path and back into a very drama-filled crazy place with bad people around me, but I had enough knowledge to pull back and have perspective. Another witchy healing mama came out of my past and kicked my ass back into the light.

She clears my chakras and plays a mean singing bowl. I do so love that noise and her.

I shed the last of my old psychic garbage when I dumped Budget George 2 years ago. Aforementioned witchy mama called it. Bless her, kinda wish I would have adhered to her shorter time line, but alas. Everything is as it should be.

Then the real work started.

Except it didn’t feel like work. I was so happy and light and free.

I NOT in a relationship for the first time in 18 years.


I got on a plane in May and went West. Arizona and California. My soul was home. I floated for the whole trip. I met a woman, a doctor acupuncturist and chiropractor. She had me the most pain free I have ever been in 45 minutes. We bonded instantaneously, she didn’t want to charge me because she loved me, I couldn’t help but pay because I loved her.

The girl I went to see had been my best girl for years. We had dreams of living together, heterosexual life partners running a café and being happy.

She was my second false positive and the hardest one to lose.

She talked the talk, but when it came to walking the walk…she was reminiscent of a toddler falling down a lot, grabbing onto anything to hold her up and tantrums when it didn’t work. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but I very clearly watched jealousy split our paths. Maybe I will see her again and maybe I won’t. All is well.

The same May I met another woman. A whole new school of thought that felt new and exciting. After sessions with her, talking things out while she redirected energy in ley-lines across my head the difference was palpable. I learned a new language and it felt good in my mouth, until I bit into it and it went sour.

She started treating me like an ATM. She decided that I should not be so successful because I hadn’t paid my cult fees. I took what I needed, gleaned a few things, made my own magic and wandered off to figure out what was better than this.

My son and I do a thing we call ‘time bending’. Exactly what it sounds like. I mentioned it to this new wonder woman I had met, cited an example and I saw her recoil. She didn’t believe in what she was doing at all. No matter. I did and it worked.

Beware false prophets. She was the third and the worst of them.

Never underestimate the power of blind faith, it has the power to bend the laws of physics and sometimes break them entirely. (True Blood)

That is what it comes down to really. We all have our own perceptions. We live in a world that is clouded and veiled with drama, war, media, consumerism, fear mongering. You can disconnect. A little bit more every day. You can make your own world.

I have been feeling ill at ease as of late. I think it is time to level up again. And in the way it does, the universe has provided me with a push back to a fork in the road I was shown a while ago. This one is a big step, my brain will be forever altered. This is the stuff of shamans. I am scared. I am scurrying to write down my life because I don’t want to ‘lose’ it. And alternately chuckling at the thought of that.

To quote my dear friend Tristan O’Reilly we are quite literally “stuck in a fucked up situation and there is nothing left to do but shed your ego.”

Akin to many religions, this cult of love and light and spirituality has many levels layers and nuances. There is work involved. The ego needs to be shed.

Don’t get me wrong, ego is forged from bubblegum, Velcro and whatever holds those price tags on glassware. But it can be done, worn away with continued washing and scrubbing.

Also know that you can be as enlightened as the day is long and still wanna kick scream cry and eat 10 cupcakes or cheeseburgers. We are all integrally human and cheeseburgers taste good.

You will find others stumbling along and slipping sideways that bite your hand when you reach out to catch them.

Again. Human.

I can let go of people I never dreamed of losing and find people I never dreamed of finding.

Yet I sometimes scream MINE.
Though I know nothing is.

I sometimes write blog posts gently poking fun at others who started this journey and plateaued when it came to the messy part.

I have no circus and I have no monkeys.

I am just love walking around in a body reaching out when I can.
Understanding when I cannot.

And ready to level up because if I don’t my eyes might get stuck like this.








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  • Anonymous November 23, 2015 at 9:39 pm

    The best thing I ever did was let go of these people in my life. My life lightened immensely. It wasn’t my cloud to be under. I don’t need false witchcraft or false idols to walk my path. I just need my two bare feet and my heart that has endless love.

    • sexloveandgrace November 24, 2015 at 10:44 am

      i think my mistake was seeing any light as light. i gravitated to anything that wasn’t the norm. now i can tell the difference between the moon and a lightbulb.
      and that was eloquently stated mamalove.

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