No this can’t fucking be. ~ Lafayette (True Blood)
I had an angel read my palm last night.
It didn’t go well.
I have odd lines across my hands, so does he. We’ve shown each other before and just reveled in the camaraderie of our shared weird, never took it any further.
I don’t know why he decided to grab my hand. I don’t know why angels do what they do.
I don’t know why I do what I do either.
“Stop looking for love, yours is long gone” he said. “I’m sorry”.
He said I had work to do. Showed me photos of the love he lost too. Angel empathy is a powerful thing. Of course I teared up a little.
For someone who knows beyond all doubt that everything is temporary, I fuss about it a lot.
And I lied. I know exactly why he chose that moment to read me. Thoughts were flying around in my head all discombobulated. He heard them and knew I was lost and lying to myself. He took my hand to steady me.
“Well did (s)he make you cry make you break down shatter your illusions of love, well is it over now do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home?” (Fleetwood Mac)
Ya. I cried, I broke down and now I am home.
Reinforced what I already knew in my heart of hearts. But as I have said my heart is a 3 year old with chronic amnesia. I’m sure we will have to sit down and have the talk again when she decides she ‘wants that one’. There is no toothsome fairy baby. I am sorry. She really wants her fairy.
My Field of Dreams voice is speaking up again.
“Her name is Katie and she has cotton candy hair”. It was Kaya, but close enough. I lost Young Un that day. Fought it, hoped the message was for someone else. But it was mine. That all worked out in the end so it’s alright. He remembered me as someone who deals in kindness.
When I dream of Gelfling, I watch his perfect lips move. I reach out, braid my fingers in the silk of his hair, reposition my body to get closer to hear what he is saying but all I can feel is the kiss of his breath on my neck. No words. Not sure if I am deaf or if he is muted, I think both. I already know how that plays out, or when…not how nor where nor why.
And then this.
I’m torn. What else is new?
Dreaming yesterday I watched an interview with a boy I met, on some weird TV screen in my head. I know his future.
But how do you tell someone that?
I already know how, I am pontificating for effect. This is what writers do.
I will ask if he wants to hear it and he will say yes, I already know this too.
I half read his palm after dinner. The usual fortune teller stuff. He lives long and prospers. Not a lot of trauma or deviations. Just a good life for a good man. He is. I saw it.
I watched pain cross the face of that angel when he saw the broken heart lines in my hand, like a doctor delivering a grim prognosis with no cure. I hate having to pass on bad messages too, I know how he felt, but he did the right thing. It is what I needed to hear.
What I saw happening to this boy. He was happy and loved. I come bearing glad tidings of comfort and joy. You are a good man and you get exactly what you want. I know I won’t be there when that happens. I know I am not her.
Took a lot of pressure off actually. Those two things all at once. I saw his future and my absence from it, went for a second opinion and it was so. So be it. The question is how long I get him before he has to go.
The answers are always the same and vague … ‘build it, go the distance and ease his pain’.
What is going to happen in 4 years when he comes realizes I told the truth? Probably just a ‘holy shit’ moment I know won’t be around to witness. A smirk perhaps as he sees himself doing the thing I said he was going to do. I hope that comes with a sidenote of ‘she was really nice to me’ and a smile.
If I cannot be loved, being remembered as magic will have to do.