Instant Karma

March 8, 2016


My magic came back so hard and fast I am reeling from it.
Punch drunk, trying to sort through it and stay upright.

I am putting my babbling incoherency to paper to see if it makes sense.

Maybe my Omega can figure this out. Matthew?

I feel like I’m getting handed puzzle pieces. I don’t have the box so I am not sure what the big picture is. Half the pieces are upside down. A few of them are already nestled together, I have a few corners and edges and I am slowly piecing this together.

I am having trouble switching tenses. Is, was, will be all getting tangled in time somehow.

The heart has reasons which reason knows nothing of. Blaise Pascal

There is no logic in this place. Sad Cat Diary

I never stop questioning why.

Not the poor, poor pitiful cajoling of ‘why me’ punctuated with pouty face. That is as pointless and redundant as the word redundant sound, so very.

I never asked god ‘why me’ when the good stuff was happening… Studio 60

I just smile. Sometimes with a Cheshire cat grin that is my most grateful, mystic, playful face.
Sometimes wistfully with teary eyes and an ‘oh well, what next then’ and I wait for divine intervention.

Oh look, here it is.

My karma seems to be instant.

I’m writing this in bed, in the green binder. Pulled some seemingly blank pages, I swear they were empty. Then they weren’t.

Two things

  1. Tabula Rasa, the director’s cut.

List of days I can begin again.

And this…

She still cares for you. After I am gone I hope you find your way back to each other. True Blood


  1. The owls are not what they seem. Twin Peaks

That’s all, just those words on the top of a page

“Then there was the owl. I was driving home the day before fetching him from the airport and I had the weirdest thought, I have a thousand million thoughts a day, some louder than others. It’s easy to lose them in the crowd. Except when, right at that very moment this really loud thought comes roaring over all the others, an owl flies into your car window. The thought was this “you are going to tell him you love him and then you are going to have to kick him out of your house, it is the only way this will work.” Two days later, that exact thing happened, exactly the way I had watched it happen in my head.”

The owl happened on March 15th 2015. Window was open, I was smoking, halfway down my sideroad almost home. Singing Mumford and Sons at the top of my lungs

Hold me fast ‘Cause I’m a hopeless wanderer And hold me fast, Hold me faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

I have seen 3 owls in this life. This one didn’t fly into my car exactly, he flew parallel to the window, wings outstretched the tip of one just inches from my face. I stopped the car. I had to. He swooped low over the hood, then up and landed on a telephone pole. I just sat there staring at him trying to process everything. He was staring back. When I finally got composed I eased the car forward and the owl took flight again and led me home.

Nothing goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.

That very same owl came back and told me “If you have to choose between me and her. Pick her.”

I have been “her” both ways.

This road goes two ways. (How FrankenKyle says I love you. AHS)

There is more.

Rob Brezsny strikes again.

The last time he interfered a penguin threw up.

Penguins nurture their offspring by chewing food—mixing it up with all God’s enzymes—and then vomiting it into the mouths of the penguin babies. Perhaps you weren’t the butt of a cosmic joke or some Linda Blair-esque bad review, but in fact the recipient of a very precious gift of love. Who knows?



I spilled my guts and heart out on the internet, left my feelings out for him and the world to see. But he wasn’t looking.

It took me a month and that owl for me to say it to his face. It was already too late.
He said it back, right before he moved away.
Spoke to him the other day. Still love the fucker, he is a good man and an amazing friend. I asked him if I had remedied the situation with the ‘others’ and he hadn’t had to move if he would have given me a second chance, he said he believed he would. That is enough.

Today I got this

Love is the most difficult and dangerous form of courage. Courage is the most desperate, admirable, and noble kind of love. Delmore Schwartz

This is feeling like some serious déjà vu.

Pieces of the Hulk and pictures of Jesus.

Y’all remember Jesus right?

Once he thought he wanted her. But he kept coming back to me.
I hadn’t shaken my narcissistic inner toddler that would constantly rant ‘mine’. So I ended up the mistress. Took what I could get, which was him, more often than I should have had him considering he belonged to someone else. He came back to me 3 years later and reminded me I had said I was going to show up at his wedding in a red dress and object. He looked for me that day, and for quite some time after.


I write to leave pieces of me everywhere, like cake crumbs on the forest floor, so I can both find myself and be found.

I’m currently lost.

12/3/42 and black 19. I don’t understand, numbers vex me. Someone explain?

The other thing I found in the binder full of magicks?

“When single shines the triple sun, what was sundered and undone shall be whole, the two made one.” Dark Crystal.

There is an eclipse coming, on a new moon.

Open your eyes and look at me.

Another day the walls between the worlds are thinny, another wishing day.
And I have a date with 88?
Huh? That doesn’t seem right.

Stop just in time.

You heard my voice
I came out of the woods by choice
Shelter also gave their shade
But in the dark I have no name
So leave that click in my head
And I will remember the words that you said
Left a clouded mind and a heavy heart
But I was sure we could see a new start.

Tabula rasa

I’m realizing I left myself clues too. The puzzle? I have seen this before.

This is what love looks like.









You Might Also Like

  • Matthew Eayre March 10, 2016 at 8:32 am

    Facts don’t change, but truth is subjective. People would have it th’ other way round, myself included. There are days when the truth is a hammer smashing my head, and those are the days I feel the most.
    I loved her and she didn’t.
    I tried and she wouldn’t.
    I should be happy to have reached the “and they all lived…” but ever after feels a lot like right now and right now I paid for the whole cake and didn’t get a piece (my wedding cake fell on the ground before I could eat any, was that a sign?) right now looks like yesterday with a pseudonym.
    My perception of the truth is a razor and the things I want are stubble and dry skin.
    When I was 19 I was hopefully, ruthlessly in love with Snow White. “As pure as the driven snow” she liked me, maybe loved me a little. She crushed me hard and I never got to thank her for that. It hurt so much, I hated her a little…and that made it easier to keep moving.
    Would I change things? Not now. The river has rushed through me, and I am the spaces carved behind. The Grand Canyon is an emotional scar, formed over a hundred million, and if you stand on the edge it looks like a wound. At the bottom, inside the heart, you can feel acceptance. The Earth, she is wiser for that scar.
    *Math always makes more sense when you know the answer*
    you’ll be given the answer. If it’s an answer you don’t want, does that make it less true?

    • sexloveandgrace March 10, 2016 at 11:35 am

      thank you. this is a lot to process

      • Matthew Eayre March 10, 2016 at 3:23 pm

        December 3, 1942. My grandmother was 6 months pregnant with my mother. Almost a year after Pearl Harbor, my mother nearly came early, too early. I don’t know what the number means to you, but that day almost pre-empted my existence.

        “Who on Earth do you think you are?
        A superstar? Well, right you are! And we all shine on…”

        I distract myself from numbers & rows with art, verse & prose. Our minds hold the answers, and try to tell us in language we don’t speak. Don’t worry about the unquestioned answers… Just listen, breathe, your light will break through the clouds & you’ll feel silly for not seeing it before.

        • sexloveandgrace March 10, 2016 at 3:58 pm

          i think maybe i need to stop counting things, especially unhatched chickens.

          • Matthew Eayre March 10, 2016 at 6:14 pm

            I agree, MiLady.

          • sexloveandgrace March 10, 2016 at 8:19 pm

            love that you call me that

          • Matthew Eayre March 11, 2016 at 7:56 pm

            with the utmost respect and sincerity, MiLady, it is believed by this one that those with regal bearing and nobility of character ought be addressed in a manner befitting their station. To do differently would be perhaps more friendly but would in a definite sense lower the eyes of the offending free-man, who knows he stands in the presence of a Lady, one deserving of respect and fealty.
            It is my distinct honor to have acted in a way which pleased thee.

    error: Content is protected !!