Queens and the Fools who don’t even Try to Love Them

July 13, 2017

PIC is home, maintaining, with ALL OF THE DOGS. Angelface is at work, heading to Hawaii shortly. Manda Bear is sleeping and getting her hair did and only had one breakdown yesterday. Panda was in bed with RuPaul, but she ate finally. Kidlet ate too and listened to polka with me in the car.

Okay, I can breathe now.

I still can’t remember what we all did on Sunday. I feel like we were together and it was good, amen, that will have to do.

Then life happened. More specifically death and cheating.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days, when the mama sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out. 21 Pilots

We are stressed out.

When something happens to one of us, it happens to all of us. It’s not my pain, its hers but it hurts just the same.

It’s been a calendar year since the boyfriend of one of us went on a 5 day bender, sent himself into a cocaine psychosis, attacked the girls in the car and landed himself in the hospital. Almost a year to the day since he sent her life into chaos, and just as she was getting it back together, he died.

She knew it was coming. Just like meteorologists know these super storms are coming, but it doesn’t stop the devastation.

He loved drugs more than life and finally got his wish to be free of the mortal coil.

Death doesn’t stop the pain, it just transfers it to someone else.

I wish he would have realized this.

There were no words or quotes or actions that could have stopped it.

Kidlet lost a friend the same day. 2 weeks in a coma and he finally let go.

Panda found out some bad news as well, and after she laughed, she cried.

We are all in varying stages of grief over varying scenarios and for each other.

I feel like I jinxed us. Like I thumbed my nose at fate. We were all on an upswing, all adulting and I said so, out loud.

“No stress, I feel light as a feather right now.”

That was Monday, before work. Before the bad news.

We got together Tuesday morning and spent the day with each other.
We swam, they drank, I fished, we ate. We laughed and cried and on the way home 2 of them screamed NOOOOOOO emphatically in the back of my car.
It was a wonderful horrible day.

I finally crumbled late Tuesday night after playing strong all day. East side Mario’s parking lot, 9:30 at night. All I wanted was a chicken Caesar salad and some normalcy.
He asked if I was alright, I gripped the steering wheel so tight I could have broken it in half and said no.
“What’s wrong?”
These are my best friends, amazing women all of them, and they deserve better than this life and these men that die, lie, leave, beat, steal and cheat.
That’s why I cried.
That and for my son’s friend and his hardened heart, that growing up a city kid, it’s normal to lose multiple friends by the age of 21.

These women of mine are Queens goddamnit! Where the kings at?

So far it’s just been jokers and fools and little fuckboys refusing to grow up.

I weep for their parents. I thank god for my son and the luck that has gotten us this far.

I weep for my girls, and for me and I thank god again that we found each other in the dark.

Can we just take a good long look at how we treat each other? How we drop everything to be with each other. How we hold each other up and love each other. How we can say ANYTHING without judgement or repercussions. How even on our worst days when one of us is being a total cunt muffin we still love each other. Can we please realize that this kind of love exists? That we deserve nothing less from Anyone we let into our space. Men included. I fucking love you bitches with my whole heart. I don’t have room for any man who can’t keep up, show up and man up.

I say I don’t. But it will be my turn to cry soon enough. Or maybe it won’t. Maybe we can wake up one morning and decide to change.

I told Panda not long ago, “if he spent every minute of every hour for the next ten years trying to man up and be what you deserve, maybe then I could forgive him. But he just wants to throw phones and tantrums.”

Step up or get out.

That goes for all of them and all of us.

I don’t have much money, but boy if I did, I’d buy a big house where we all could live. Elton John

With a big sign on the front gate.


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  • Anonymous July 13, 2017 at 5:52 pm

    Thank you. I love this!

  • Matthew Eayre July 15, 2017 at 6:10 pm

    You deserve to have what you need. I hope for you.

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