February 23, 2017

I made a list the other day. Not at the behest of my guru but because of something he said.

All these men I have been with…

I called them out and by their names.

A list of hurt.

They Who Left.

Some ghosts, a catfish and the Others.

Men who have moved into a different position in my life.

I messaged the Giant the other day when I was flying apart.

He is many things. Frustrating is on the list, but he is also really good glue.

That thing where the Japanese mend broken pottery with gold…ya he does that.

He is the hero in my book. That is a literal statement.

He rescues me, twice. On paper.

In real life it has been a few more times than that but…he has also been the source of much angst and frustration I cannot even (begin to put into words). He sends me into full white girl mode every time I talk to him.

If you love me, then love me. Bratling brat.

I wrote him a do-over on how he treated me after I got assaulted in a parking lot on a tinder date gone wrong. I wanted to claim sanctuary in his kitchen for a bit until I felt safe enough to go home, but not-Becky the traveling waitress was on her way over.

And therein lies an epiphany or two…

I do get treated like gold by a couple of men. I cannot name them because they have wives. There is a sexual aspect to our relationship but I haven’t fucked them, lately.

There are those amongst my ex-lovers who have attained redemption.

I call Young Un for advice. He has heard me keen and wail and wonder why I am so easy to leave.

The Hulk sits patiently as I try to figure out where I went wrong.

And there are those who I slept with who have never hurt me.

They deserve to be named…celebrated, honored.

John, Nathan and Jason. They didn’t hurt me. They haven’t left me. I feel safe with them, and loved.

And Shane.

He messaged the other night as things were falling apart for Panda and our household was on high alert.

“What’s wrong Muffin.”

Always a statement, never a question with him.

He is numbered among a handful of men who feel a disturbance in the force when I have fear or pain in my heart and they rally.

All time, and life itself spirals out and in again. As we move further away from things we can glean a fresh perspective. Sometimes I need things to be close to figure them out. I accept this and have come to enjoy it.

Redemption is almost always possible.

With an exception or two, these men are all still in my life one way or another.

That list I made the other day…it is still within the realm of possibilities for a few of them to move from column A to column B.

The penitent man shall pass.

Football isn’t showing much consistency, but he never really did. He never really did anything bad either. I just wanted more than I got.

I usually do. Not much more, but something.

Just a little effort. Just show up.

On that note…after much discussion

I’m giving Lumberjack another shot.
I have to.
I am hardwired to.
“Tinder is a bucket of yuck. I just want you to show up.”
Said I would be home tomorrow after 4 and he should come fuck me or I’m done.

Sounds like an ultimatum when I say it that way, but it wasn’t.

Get out of jail free card or one of them conjugal visits.

I don’t know if he will actually show, but at least I will know I did my best.

I am not good at letting go, but I can roll with it.

I always do.



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