Sister, Mother, Baby Killer

August 13, 2015

Within the span of 24 hours I got crowned two titles.

Someone I know called me ‘the sister of all women’.

A random woman on the internet called me a ‘baby killer’.

I am both of those things.

I almost launched into a grand explanation to justify why I have aborted twice.

But really? It is no one’s business but my own. I made a decision, I have no time machine and if I did, I wouldn’t change those things.

On my Facebook page I have come out as Pro-Choice. I am pro-choice because I AM the sister of all women.

I post memes and articles that reflect this. There are subsequent kerfuffles. I block, ban and delete anyone who shows aggressive slut-shaming, pro-life or extremist religious views. For every person who comes down hard against something, there are a thousand that need comfort and support.

Send in the one baby I managed not to kill. My son jumped immediately to my defense. Messaged this woman who attacked his momma and tried to educate her. Suggested she consider gender reassignment if she hated women so much. Then proceeded to list the reasons why abortion should remain a legal, safe, open option to all women. The alternative is sharpened coat hangers in back alleys and death. We all saw what happened to Penny in Dirty Dancing. Explain to me how her life is less precious than anyone else’s.

There will always be women who just cannot have a child right now. Just as there will always be women who have children for the wrong reasons, I have met those children. I have fed, clothed, housed and loved as many of them as I have met, and I have met plenty. Taught them that family is not about blood, but about being with people who love you unconditionally for who they are, and who they are is important.

My son’s father quite literally told him that he ‘never wanted kids’. This was sperm donor’s response to my child asking to spend some time together. THIS, this is what I would use a time machine for, to cut out that man’s tongue before he got to say those words to my child. I kept them separate for years, I knew the man who knocked me up was capable of this kind of cruelty and I did my best to fortify my son against it. We got through it, together. My child does not bow down to false idols. DNA is just 3 letters and they do not spell GOD. I have gone hungry to fill my son’s belly that isn’t genetics, it’s just love.

A boy I care about immensely was dropped on his paternal grandparent’s doorstep around age 2 with the words “I don’t want this” as the last thing he heard his mama say. This is not a lullaby any child should hear.

Parents do this all the time. Fuck, people do it. Cast aside other human beings like they are nothing. This breaks my heart. Not any woman who has the bravery and self-awareness to say ‘for reasons of my own I am unable to give this potential person the quality of life I believe she/he should have’.

It doesn’t need to go any further than that. We are not struggling to repopulate the planet. There are plenty of sentient beings that need food, shelter, love and acknowledgement.

My door has long been open to any child (or being really) who has been abandoned, neglected, abused, unloved.
So is my page, my heart and home are safe places.

I don’t judge. Everyone’s life and decisions are their own. My place on this plane is to love, nurture and protect.



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  • Brandi August 13, 2015 at 1:02 pm

    For the record, I used to say I didn’t judge either until I realized that I am incapable of not judging people who judge me and my people. So…I judge. But I preach too, just like you, and so do my sons, just like yours. My son writes on my Mother’s Day card every year “Thanks for not aborting me” because I was able, at that moment to choose and I considered both sides deeply and I have never underestimated the value of having that choice. And now we collectively have raised at least 3 men who will fight to the death for a woman’s right to choose because they know intimately what goes into the choosing, the strength of the women who must make either choice. I hope you will add “Curator of Great Men” to your titles. I personally intend to have it etched on my tombstone. ❤

    • sexloveandgrace August 13, 2015 at 3:20 pm

      i judge them insofar as i chose not to deal. so yes, i judge.
      and thank you for this.

  • Danette Wells August 13, 2015 at 11:41 pm

    Thank you for this raw, honest story. May you have returned to you tenfold all you have given.

    • sexloveandgrace August 14, 2015 at 8:22 am

      thank you.
      i am rather tired of being judged. i needed to hear this

  • Anonymous August 14, 2015 at 10:05 am

    beautiful, brave and eloquent as always.

    • sexloveandgrace August 14, 2015 at 10:35 am

      thank you darling

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