So Say I

March 17, 2016

A girl at work asked me to borrow $20 so she could go home.
I said “no, clear my chakras instead, I feel fucked up, I’ll just pay you for it.”

She did her thing. Got to my throat and said “Mami, what aren’t you saying? Say it.”

I said it to her then and I am saying it to you now.

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open (a wide heart)

Say what you need to say [24x] 

I told Liza I would know when it was time. Asked her to count anyways. Black 19.

Rainbow portal open 14-20. Eclipse ellipses. I don’t know anymore, just things are speeding up and becoming clearer. March 23rd is the first day of the new.

She messaged this morning, “time keeper is getting anxious”. Funny mama, how do you think I feel? Waiting.


Woke up beautifully this morning to the dulcet tones/earth shattering ka-booms of thunder and lightning, first time this year.
Explosions in the sky, and no rain.
It’s time.


Facebook reminded me that this happened a year ago today… (as if I could forget)

Two things
I know my raptors.
I can read bird portents like, well, like a witch.
Twice today I have had what the ever loving actual fuck moments.
401, I look up and think ‘cool, spring is coming, there is a vulture’, upturned finger feathers at the wingtips, huge wingspan 6 feet maybe more, as it flies over the car it dips down so I can get a better look apparently. He/she is Irish setter red/brown head to tail (belly included) with a raptor face, yellow beak, never seen one like it. It was a migrating golden eagle.
And then can anyone tell me what it means when someone is driving home and an owl tries to fly INTO your open car window, like just to hang out and sing Mumford and Sons with you…and then escorts/guides your car halfway home?
I was thinking on the same thing twice, second time…let’s just say I was thinking rash thoughts.

A year ago, the following day, I told the Hulk how I felt about him. Knowing it was too late and we were destined to be friends, but I had to say it just in case. Another karma marker, yesterday a mutual friend that I had never met before wandered into my bar and knew who I was because the Hulk had spoken so highly of me. Almost broke my no crying rule yet again. Crying now, but I am home, so it’s okay.

This is what I need to say…

I see you at work from time to time, I am on stage and the lights are in my eyes, I have to bend at the waist and peer out, squint a little. It’s never you, but for a split second it could be. This town also has the lion’s share of black Ford pickups, extend-cab short-bed. I count those instead of blue cars.

Sunday brunch one of my girls ordered duck and we were serenaded by a nice man with a guitar playing a different John Mayer song, one of my favorites that had never been released as a single. No earthly reason he should be singing it.

I’m writing you to
catch you up on places I’ve been
You held this letter
probably got excited, but there’s nothing else inside it
didn’t have a camera by my side this time
hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
maybe I will tell you all about it when I’m
in the mood to lose my way with words.

Oh look, I’m in the mood. Always am. Not to be lost, but to be found.

A boy asked me out a few weeks ago and I really thought I should go.
(A plague of ‘shoulds’ upon our houses.)
He cancelled and I was relieved. Messaged me today to tell me that he was seeing someone else at the same time, didn’t think it was fair to either of us blah blah (seriously?) blah.
It’s all just a little bit of history repeating. I said thanks for the clarification and deleted his number. He wanted me to stay.

I didn’t want him, just needed a distraction.

I opened a fortune cookie today that said ‘your love of music will be an important part of your life’.

You are music to me. And thunder and lightning, without the rain. You are important.

I had searched for a song for your instrumental disc. I found it this week. It’s Kronos Quartet, Ekitundu Ekisooka (“First Movement”)

This is my first movement.


I hear songs all the time that remind me of you, Amber Run ‘I Found’ thunderpunched me in the chest today, just a random YouTube find, first/only person I wanted to share it with was you. (And I’ll use you as a focal point. So I don’t lose sight of what I want)

My horoscope said “…everyone goes through periods of doubt, but now it is time to claim your inheritance and put your natural talents to good use…”

So here we are, or here I am. Writing, the only thing I ever wanted to do and apparently I have a knack for it. Someone told me that it’s my superpower.
Speaking my mind? I stumble, fumble and trip over my own tongue. But I can write it down for you. Writing is words that stay. (Dark Crystal)

My inheritance? My mother and grandmother met the man they loved and just knew it, no question.
There was a separation period for both, two wars decades apart and they waited. It’s bred in my bones to wait.

Please know that your face hasn’t left my memory. I blink and you are there, more often than not. I dream about you with alarming regularity. I have a second reason to love sleep, beyond getting me closer to coffee, it takes me to you. Your arms around me, talking to me, I can’t always hear what you say but you are smiling and kind. A week or so ago words came through, you said “not yet” and I grasped that yet like the Hope diamond, haven’t let go. Don’t want to.

You told me once that I was the kind of girl who wouldn’t be bothered if you wandered off. That remains true, for everyone but you.

I fucking miss you.







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  • JF October 21, 2016 at 12:39 pm

    I enjoy your writing style but your words scare me at times.

    • sexloveandgrace October 21, 2016 at 1:17 pm

      i think this lacks style completely. this was one of my writer moments wherein i just babbled incoherently at a ghost.

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