Step Up or Stay Down

April 9, 2016








You met me at a strange time in my life.

Cue the Pixies Where is my Mind and watch them einstürzende neubauten (Tall buildings falling down)

Where is my mind?


I am in a perpetual state of losing it.

On a long enough timeline, the men I’ve loved come back to me.

And when they do, their credit goes back to zero. Full reset. Oh you hurt me and ignored me? It’s fine. Come on in and do it again.

Like I live in the factory where they make get out of jail free cards and I hand them out like Halloween candy, all willy fucking nilly. That is the tall building that needs to come crashing down.

Do right by me or get the fuck out and stay out.

I’m having barbed wire installed around my hearts blanket fort and teaching her how to use a knife.

Samesies is the theme of the week.

Ghosts I forgot about coming out of the machine.

My ex-husband resuming his king of the cock blocking robots status. I abdicated my throne and he jumped right back in it. Stay down fucker.


GEMINI (May 21-June 20):

For a time, pioneer physicist Albert Einstein served as a professor at the Institute for Advanced Study in Princeton, NJ. On one occasion, a student complained to him, “The questions on this year’s exam are the same as last year’s.” Einstein agreed that they were, then added, “But this year all the answers are different.” I’m seeing a similar situation in your life, Gemini. For you, too, the questions on this year’s final exam are virtually identical to last year’s final exam — and yet every one of the answers has changed. Enjoy the riddle.

I am not enjoying the riddle, not one tiny little fucking bit. But I figured it out.

For me…the answers are the same but the question is different.

I need to teach my heart about tenses. Past present and future.

I need to keep my standard of how I allow myself to be treated as gender neutral. And my girls have set the bar high. Clear it.

My Magic Mamawolf heard my soul screeching and messaged to check on me. I told her about walking into the Hulk’s house and losing my shit, and that it wouldn’t have been so bad if the Giant hadn’t left me 2 days before. And yet another new/old one cancelling a date…we are referring to him as Sparks* (galore)

I have love coming from far and wide, but it’s so fucking far and I need you so much closer.

Her: Places where strong memories live are hard and can be sneaky.

Me: It was bad. It was the culmination of the 3 things.

Her: Well spark him. Hard, anyone walking the earth with eyes that belong in the face of an archangel should be touched like lighting.*

Me: Yesh. But I’m not chasing anyone anymore. (I wish she hadn’t said lightning)

Her: Not chase… seduce. Subtle yet BIG difference between the two

Me: Damn mama



Her: It is a hell of a truth

Me: Needed it

Her: You just needed reminder, your legs are shaky had a couple of rough rounds

Me: Also truth

Her: It happens and we forget ourselves, which is why we have touch stones that love us.

Me: Yesh

She is a mountain of a touchstone for me, and also very far away. I would drive 16 hours to sit in her kitchen and have coffee while being climbed by her perfect pixie kids though.

Her youngest pronounces my name as Share-wa. And says Yesh for yes. It is now a permanent part of my bizarre secret language.

I had an epiphany last night at work, surrounded by my best girls. Wrote it down as it was one of those 8:30pm epiphanies that tends to get lost before 1am, they drown in coolers along with my liver and sobriety.

The epiphany was this.

I have the best girlfriends in the world. They understand me as much as they are able. They love me as is. Even though I rarely go out to the myriad of things they invite me to, they know they can always come here and get warm food, warm bed and warm love from me when needed.

The balance of communication is pretty perfect. We talk when we talk and I never feel ignored.

That being said, when I was going through my transformation, I lost a few really good girlfriends, they had been with me through thick and more thick and me super thin.

At one point I considered she who was to become my sisterwife and her evil best friend, my friends.
I have since ended my toxic relationships with women.

They were bad for me and I knew it, so I cut them off or in one case got cut off, nice and clean.
Do I miss them? Yes from time to time. I mostly just wish them well…far, far away from me.

I got rid of the poisoned ones and cultivated better drama-free relationships with the women who stayed with me and found new.

It hurts to actively be interested in anyone and be actively ignored.
My girls don’t make me feel secondary, abandoned, lost nor neglected. Nor do I ever allow anyone around me to feel that way.

I have said before any man is lucky to have any one of us. We hold each other up and lighten his load immensely.

I keep joking that my love life is built on cursed ground.

It isn’t. I just have to start treating the men in my life how I treat my girls and accept nothing less from the mens than I get from my women.
Just be here, why is this hard?

I am not chasing anyone anymore. I can’t. I don’t care if you can do that thing with your tongue, hips, fingertips.

I do deserve to be loved the way I love. I’m really fucking good at it. Ask my girls, they know.


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  • Casi Cielo April 13, 2016 at 11:27 am

    Wow, the last line!

    So perfect.

    I DESERVE to be loved the way I love.

    Basically you just did a chiropractor move on my soul.

    • sexloveandgrace April 17, 2016 at 11:08 am

      that is AMAZING!!!

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