Strawberry Moon

June 9, 2017

I chime in with a “Haven’t you people ever heard of closing a goddamned door?” Panic at the Disco

Anyone who has ever read anything I have ever written knows this is not my strong suit.

Nostalgia and Forgiveness are two of my many middle names.

But what happens on the day the full strawberry moon is in Sagittarius, with Saturn at the helm and Jupiter picked today to go direct?

Shits gotta stop.

Doors gotta close.

I gotta move. Be it up, down or across. I can’t stay here.

I would usually play a full white girl card and declare I am unable to even.

Gonna smudge, salt and sprinkle holy water all over my life and oust the stagnant juju.

It’s not bad juju per say, but something has to give and change and leave.

I think it’s high time to close the god damned door.

It seems to be happening across the board. All of my friends in this long drawn out stasis waking up suddenly, realizing we are on this not-so-merry-go-round and we are all feeling a little nauseous and want off now.

I liken the universe to a giant machine, with wheels and cogs, a clockworks perhaps but with its own sense of stellar timing, nothing like the linear ideals created by man. I know I know everything is as it should be, all our problems have been solved we just haven’t gotten to that point in time yet, whether or not it’s clear the universe is unfolding as it should blah blah blah. But what about what I want?

It’s not in the cards or the cogs it seems. Every turn taking me further and further away.

And it’s all just a little bit of history repeating.

And I am running out of time.

I woke up this morning with a profound and deeply urgent need to rewind time. Go back to the very beginning. When I was a teenager, when I first woke up to some semblance of this self that I am now.

I don’t know if it had something to do with a dream or if I am just not digging this current path I am on. But the need to regress and revert was overwhelming.

I am missing something.

When what I want and what I need and some damned thing that is going to make sense later is occurring I feel like those cogs and wheels that usually turn fairly smoothly hit some kind of transition position and all of the sudden there is a grinding of gears, a screaming of metal. Jerks and pulls. Fits and starts. And all I want to do is duck and cover my ears and wait for it to be over.

But alas. There are bills to pay and a life to live and the dog needs walking and I know. Pretty soon the cogs will find their counterparts, the gods will grease the wheels once again and it will be smooth sailing for a time.

I usually hate this.

It is human to both want change and resist it.

Maybe it’s just the long awaited and final arrival of summer time. The sunshine making everything look new again. The trees and flowers in full bloom.

But it feels right. Terrifying, but right.

Time to put the past in the rear view and get the fuck out of Dodge.

But for tonight, I will just clean and pray for guidance.

Outta Dodge sounds great, but I wouldn’t mind looking at a map and seeing where I am heading.


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