Tabula Rasa

March 22, 2015


I am watching season 4 of True Blood and daydreaming of amnesia.

It is such an odd sensation to covet what you fear the most.
Except I don’t want to forget.
I just want to be clean.

Tabula Rasa Tabula Rasa Tabula Rasa

I always liked old chalkboards, the ghosts of old words making accidental poetry. But, there is magic to be found being the first to make your mark somewhere, the possibilities are…all.

“All is possible”. ~ Eric

I suffered substantial memory loss after the car accident. Bad. Lost words, worlds, days.

I wasn’t making good memories anyways, so s’okay.
And I get to watch a bunch of movies and TV shows over again like it’s the first time, so that’s pretty cool.

I retained one conversation with kidlet and Baby Who and another friend. We had fetched an X-mas tree so the apartment had that sharp pine smell, we were drinking tea and belly laughing whilst they tried to explain the plotline of “Lost” to me… a polar bear, really? I still think the show is one big intelligent joke, like Scientology.

Weird (not weird) I managed to, a year later, lose 10 folders of all corresponding photos to the gap in my brain. If that ain’t the Universe screaming out “let it go”, I don’t know what is. That one was a big ol’ lit up Vegas marquee, it said “RUN”.

But that was back in a time when I was deaf dumb and blind to the signs. I stayed put and suffered for it.

I have since taught myself to read.
Quieted my mind so I can hear.
Cried my eyes out until I had new eyes, all the better to see you my dear.

March 20th 2015 the ultimate cosmic reboot. Solar eclipse on a New Moon on the cusp of the astrological New Year and Spring Equinox.

Tabula Rasa Tabula Rasa Tabula Rasa

I have always been superstitious about how I spend New Year’s. Whatever I am doing at midnight is a reflection of the year to come. Always seemed finite, set in stone. Nothing is.

I did a Wikipedia search, keywords New Year’s.
Vernal Equinox, the day the days start getting longer
White People Sparkle Hat Drunky Eve
Tibetan/Vietnamese/Chinese Lunar New Year
The Quickening
Babylonian, Assyrian et cetera et cetera.

Basically, if it suits me (and it suits me just fucking fine) I have a myriad of days between December 21st and June 21st I get varying degrees of do-overs, with some new moons thrown in for good measure.

But this, this was a big un.

There was a war between old me and new me. I was torn in two.
Fuck it, that wasn’t the only war, but the other one has become unspeakable.

The Great Conjunction.
What was sundered and undone,
Shall be whole,
The two made one.

The Dark Crystal

I have seen the future.
I remember as much of the past as I need to.
History repeats.
I know what is going to happen.

“Tell her I was born the night she found me.” ~ Eric

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  • LittleOne March 23, 2015 at 12:21 am

    I hope the future you see is as bright and brilliant as you; fates hands are idle play things, and all that can be done is to live for the moment… to live in peace, kindness and acceptance, will bring more hope and chance of a good eternity..
    my fingers are crossed, hands in prayer, that
    can make it

    • sexloveandgrace March 23, 2015 at 3:26 pm

      i hope we all make it and thank you.

  • Cindy March 24, 2015 at 1:21 am

    wonder-full, as always. and, as always, i have questions, which sometimes stops me from commenting. why? because i feel as though you’ve given enough of yourself in whatever you wrote. answering questions is giving even more, and i’m not sure that’s fair to you. my two questions: how did you get your mind to quiet so that you could hear? also, what did you do new year’s eve and what was happening at the stroke of midnight? apologies, three questions.

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